Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Chicken That Survived Christmas

What more could a chicken ask for after going through a lot this year. That was the mentality this chicken had after surviving Christmas. The chicken retrospected, from January straight down to December there was an highlight of events worth being greatful for being alive. The chicken however had friends that ended up grilled, fried, boiled, or BLOWN UP.

The chicken had friends that were owned by Barcelona FC fans who had trophies to celebrate 4 times this year. Fortunately this chicken was owned by Arsenal FC no worries there. The Nigerian presidential election was also a fortunate event for him, his owners were CPC. Wonderful losers. It wasn't all smiles especially when the chicken saw how the friends were wasted in the election period. The joy of any chicken was to be cooked with the tastiest sauce during old age but the friends didn't live such life. During that election period a lot were killed for the fun of it at a very young age. Those that thought they had won the election began celebrating before INEC declared them winners. That didn't happen but the chicken was in the pot already.

Boko Haram coward activities also ended the lives of some of this chicken's friends. Some were simply crossing the road when bomb explosion spread their body parts and feathers all across Nigeria. Those were dark days and there seemed to be no end.

The chicken that survived Valentine, Birthdays, Easter, Sallah....Christmas knew he had one more thing to say, "Thank you Almighty God." If this Chicken could praise God....what about you?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Santa and the Hollywood Haram: Another Christmas Tale

Santa was feeling all hyped up as Christmas day slowly approached. Compared to the previous year he could not foresee any event that could jeopardise his spirit and the spirit he was willing to share with the children all over the world. An extra boost to his joy came when the Association of Santa's Little Helpers [the union made up by the elfs] approved several millions of Dollars to fund the once in a year event. In a few minutes he was going to sign the document to finalise the deal. Santa was initially shocked by their approval for extra funding for Christmas despite the Europe financial crisis. Last year, they had proposed a total rebranding of the Father Christmas image. They wanted someone buff like Brad Pitt [in Fight Club] and a sexy assistant like Rihanna [in her "Rude Boy" video]. But...that's all past now.
Santa stepped into the board room, his thought drowned in the applause that followed. He saw Chi clapping excitedly in a corner. Chi was the Chief Accountant of the North Pole, he was also a Nigerian. He helped Santa get to Nigeria in the previous year to save Christmas. The document he was to sign was the only paper on the table. The room went dead silent as he picked up the pen to sign above the dotted line. Every one had their eyes on the that spot as he signed "S.H.C". The silence was broken with another round of thunderous applause until one of Santa's Little Helpers asked.
"Hey Santa, what is the 'H' for?"
"That's my middle name," he replied.
"Shouldn't it be 'N' for Nicolas, St. Nicholas?"
Santa gave a smile that turned into a giggle, "My middle name starts with an 'H', Hakeem."
The room went dead silent once more. "What?" Santa asked, he was uncomfortable with the mood change and the stares.
"That doesn't sound like a Christian name to me" one of them said.
"That is because I am a muslim." The "muslim" echoed for 5 seconds in the room.
That didn't go down well with Santa's Little Helpers who were no doubt shocked. No one had an idea Santa was a muslim all these while [even You!]. He defended himself by saying he never said he was a christian, he added, "You don't see Santa walking into a church or joining a church choir to sing. I am a muslim and if you have a problem with just have to try not have a problem with that." He had nothing else to say.
The news that Santa was a Muslim went viral on all social networks. It spread faster that Beyonce's pregnancy announcement, the tweets went like this...
@JoblessTwitter: santa is a muslim and his name is also Hakeem
@mosque_boy: @JoblessTwitter i can't believe santa is a devoted muslim called Hakeem
@Ginger_girl: i just heard santa is an obsessed muslim named Hakeem
@RumourGuy: Santa & muslim is trending. So santa is a muslim. No wonder he keeps his beards like dem terrorists
@TheFact: heard santa is a terrorist named hakeem
The United States Home Land Security summoned Santa Claus. They claimed they found out from a "reliable and confidential source" called TheFact that Santa was a terrorist named Hakeem. The closing statement of the hearing wasn't good for Santa. Santa was identified as the most suitable culprit to carry out the "most terrifying terrorist act". They noted he had the best experience of how to sneak into homes, that was why he was able to deliver Christmas presents without being detected. He also had a flying sleigh that could prove to be a suitable escape vehicle. He could drop bombs in every homes that would detonate on Christmas day. The whole world supported the USA to prevent him from delivering gifts in their countries and Christmas was CANCELLED. Santa was down...his hope for another Merry Christmas was dashed.
As Santa Clause stepped out of the hearing he was approached by an FBI agent, code name: Jor Oh. Jor Oh asked Santa to walk with him and suggested ways he could clear himself. Santa was excited by the gleam of hope.
Joh Oh said, "It seems I'm the only person that understands this is a misunderstanding understood. The only reason I behaved 364 days in a year and 365 days in a leap year when I was young was because I wanted a present from you Santa. If there was no more Santa, I fear the worst for parents. Children would misbehave all year round. I'm going to tell you how you could clear your name. There is a register, a book, which contains all the names of terrorists in the world. It was called the Book of Terrifying Terrorists. All the law enforcing agencies in the world know about this book but haven't been able to find it. Their motive of having a book and all their names in one place was to identify undercover agents. If a person's name wasn't in the book, the terrorists were aware the individual was undercover. If you could get that book and your name isn't in it, which I'm sure it isn't, you would be cleared. I only hope you could make it early enough before Christmas day."
"But how can I get it? Even you admitted no agency had been able to find it."
"Santa, we just got intel the register is currently in Nigeria, a group just got recognised as terrifying terrorists so it was moved there to have their names. The name of the group is Hollywood Haram, literally meaning Western Movie is a sin. They are against every thing portrayed in Hollywood movies and believe watching it was the cause of moral decay. They have been terrorising cinemas that showed Hollywood movies for a while and now, they have the recognition of international terrorist organisations. If you want to clear your name you have to infiltrate this organisation and steal the book."
Santa gave a deep sign, "That means I'll have to go to Nigeria once again Agent Jor oh." Agent Jor oh tapped him slightly on his shoulder, "You have to do this Santa, the world is counting on you. And when you do get this book, that would be the biggest gift you can give the world. A huge blow in the world of terrorism."
Santa knew he had no choice and there was no use hesistating. With Agent Jor Oh's help, he was able to secure a flight to Nigeria and a make over that involved dying his hair and beards pitch black that made him look really gangster. The only item missing was an AK47 and he would have been fit to cross any middle east border.
Santa was back in Nigeria and he had less than 48 hours to get the book, get to the USA and get his name cleard in time for Christmas. He knew the first step was to get their attention and that was easier than he thought. Since the U.S had labelled him a threat the news spread in the circle of terrorists. Each wanting him to be their spokesperson. He responded to Hollywood Haram's invitation and was to be picked up at the airport. It was a young guy, about 21 years old that was waiting for him. He was holding a cardboard that red "Mel Gibson can't act". That was the code Santa was given earlier to know who was going to pick him up. He walked towards the guy and said, "Nollywood is the best Hollywood" which was the secret response. Together they left in a Van as they begun their hours drive to a secret location in eastern Nigeria. Santa had no idea where he was but he spotted a street sign that read "Iweka Road". "My name is Dandare," the guy said. "Mind if I call you Dan," Santa requested. "No, my name is Dandare". Santa sensed this kid was defensive. They barely talked despite Santa attempt to form a conversation.
They got to the secret location at Iweka road. Where Santa was greated by some Hollywood Haram officials. He learnt the top guy, Action! wasn't around to welcome him. Action! was only seen by full pledged members. Santa was surprised because he thought he was already one of them. One of the officials named Cut! laughed before explaining, "Santa, it is not that easy to get employed here in Nigeria."
"Employed? I thought this was just a terrifying terrorist group."
"Santa you have to write an exam if you pass then you'll be selected. There are so many people that want to join a group that chills, terrify, and get cool cash from government organised amnesty programme BUT we only have few slots. Now we have a vacancy for 3 terrorists. The guy that drove you down here, Dandare, is also one of those that would be taking this exam."
That was how Santa understood why Dandare had given him the cold shoulder, his presence reduced the probability of him being selected. "What a nice kid," he said to himself. Santa sat for the exam few hours later along with about 2000 candidates.
The first 3 questions were...
1) Who was taller between Aki and Pawpaw?
2) How many roles did Mercy Johnson act as a university undergraduate?
3) Who was more handsome Van Vicker, RMD, or Ramsey Noah?
Santa was lost...he knew he had little chance of passing and being selected until an invigilator walked up to him. He gave Santa a paper that contained the solved answers and demanded Santa repay him with $20 which he did. [Writer's note: You see, Santa isn't corrupt but desperate times called for such measures]. Santa passed by scoring the highest. Dandare was 4th, two points was what he needed to have made the top 3and would have been selected. He saw him in the corner...crying his eyes out.
They organised a party for them that night, which was also the night they would sign their names in the book of terrorists. Santa would finally have the chance to come in contact with it and steal it. The ceremony begun with the introduction of the new recruits to the main man, Action! He looked familiar to Santa but he had no idea where they met. All through the celebration his mind kept going back/forth, trying to remember where he had seen him until he was shook to reality to pen his name. He asked Cut! what would happen to Dandare and the others not selected. He was told, "We let them go and they try next year. But Dandare really wanted to join so we strapped him with a bomb and asked him to blow up a cinema that was showing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol tonight, that way he would have the honour he always wanted by being a member of the Hollywood Haram. Santa was in a fix, should he go ahead with the plan or save Dandare from getting himself and so many people killed? When he thought of the word "Killed" he found the answer to what he had been thinking of for the past few minutes.
He excused himself and snuck out of Iweka road to find Dandare. He flagged down a taxi and asked him to take him to the nearest cinema where he spotted Dandare as he was about to step into the building. He rushed to him and grabbed him by the oversized trench coat with the hope of talking him out of it. Santa was successful in doing that with the help of few clips of movies he downloaded on his way to the cinema.
Santa and Dandare stepped into the celebration at Iweka road. Action! and Cut! were shocked to see Dandare still alive. They realised Santa talked him out of blowing himself up for the sake of Hollywood Haram, Action! ordered to have them tied up, as they approached them Dandare called Acton! a liar. "Tell us why you started this group in the first place?" Everyone paused, by now the DJ had stopped the music, they all wanted to hear his response.
"How many times will I say it, Hollywood movies are bad...they teach corruption, homosexuality and all those things."
"You are lying," Dandare said. He connected Santa's phone to a computer and played the video clips he had showed him earlier. They were scenes of failed Hollywood movies Action! acted and most of the scenes were him being killed. His Hollywood roles had been limited to the blackman who got killed in the beginning of movies/series and that was what got him angry.
Action! began to confess, "It wasn't fair, I was the best actor in most of those movies and they kept killing me in everyone of them. No one gave me a chance and I vowed to destroy that industry."
Cut! felt betrayed, "So you were using us to have your revenge. So we were puns."
Action! wasn't going to take all the blame, "Don't pin it all on me, do you think I don't know you have all the American Pie movies under you bed. I've seen even some of you watch "The A-Team" intead of sleeping. None of you believed in this cause of Hollywood Haram from the day you joined. You were only interested in the work-free amnesty salary."
While they were still putting blames on each other, Santa Hakeem Claus stole the Book of Terrifying Terrorists and had a clean escape. He had a quick chat with Dandare about the joy of living for a positive purpose. He described the irony of how he was on his way to kill himself for a group that was busy celebrating and he upheld their cause more than the founder.
Santa got to United States, cleared his name and he was able to share Christmas joy once more. That was how Santa Hakeem Claus saved Christmas this year.
Merry Christmas Everybody.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Fat Detected...Please Step Back

By the way, this is the first post I would be typing/uploading from a computer.

WARNING: If you are a plus size individual or you are sensitive to issues of plus size individuals PLEASE (na so I beg you) you can stop reading from this point ----> .

One thing about me is that I am attracted to sweet scent...I love it. That's why I've got different types of air freshers in my Stamford Bridge. I woke up one afternoon and realised I was out of air freshners. Like they all planned it. I decided to go to one "Shoprite" in my area to get refills. After several stopovers gisting with friends I got there around 8: 25pm which was close to their closing time (8:30pm). A fat woman was ahead of me so I had to wait for her to enter. The doors were those locally made revolving one with metal frames and no glass.

Her first attempt to enter was a failed one...she got stuck and had to come back out. Her second attempt was also a failed one. The security officer begin to give her techniques, if felt like when you attempt to enter a bank and the doors won't open because you had a metal object on you. Then the security officer begins to ask you questions about what you had in your possession and you begin to get yourself "naked" just to find that metal. This woman was in a similar condition and I needed her to get her fat ass in because I needed to get my air freshers. She kept changing styles and tucking her tummy but all attempts failed. A queue began to form inside the building of shoppers that wanted to exit. In the end she gave up. By the time I wanted to get in with my small frame I was stopped by the security officer and told me it was pass their closing time. I checked the time on my watch it was 8:35pm. 

I had to go home like that. The woman just wasted my time.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ade Soundtrack of 2011

It's that time of the year a great lover of music it is only right to take time out and recognised the songs that not only impressed me, but I also regard as the soundtrack of my year. Just like last year, these songs weren't the "best" or released in 2011, but due to the period I was in my life those were the songs I played a lot.
Recap of last year...I predicted Lady Gaga would be the artiste to watch out for in 2011 and I had to admit she did had the momentum prior to her album release to have the highest album sales of 2011 BUT who saw Adele rolling in the deep. If I had predicted top 10 albums I doubt I would have mentioned her. I loved her songs from the first time I watched the video of "Chasing Pavements". The question asked in the chorus, "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads no where?" Made a whole lot of sense to me. I'm glad a whole lot of people are now into the talent called Adele.
Let's begin with the Most Impressive Songs of the Year, the Sountrack of My 2011...
Most Impressive Pop Song: "Breathe Slow" by Alesha Dixon. Yea it was released 2008 but this song would remain evergreen to me. Counting 1 to 10 with eyes closed is a good therapy to regain composure. That was something I needed to do a lot in 2011.
Most Impressive Pop Album: "Lungs" by Florence + the Machine. Released in 2009 but the songs crept their way in my heart this year. Initially it was "Dog Days Are Over" I kept on repeat until "Between Two Lungs" and the rest of the tracks made sense.
Most Impressive Producer: Ryan Tedder. If you ask an average music lover to list greatest music producers I doubt Tedder would be included. I began to understand this artiste and I don't think he is getting enough credit. For one he penned two of the most played songs in the world, "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis & "Apologise" by his band One Republic. He also worked on "Halo" by Beyonce which I regard as one of the most haunting love songs. He contributed two songs to the highest selling album of 2011, "21" by Adele, "Rumour Has It" & "Turning Tables". I also love "Got 2 Love Ya" by Sean Paul ft. Alexis Jordan<---- I still have my eye on you.
Most Impressive R&B Song/Album: "Trust Issues"/ "Take Care" by Drake. Drake did what he could do best, sing/croon his way through songs but it wasn't his voice that did was pure lyrics with their subject matter. I hear some lines and I'm like, "wow! He goes through that as well?" hear lines like "you say it's only a couple of guys you've been with...I'll trust you, give you the benefit of the doubt"...but in my case I'll not trust the girl, I won't give any benefit of the doubt. I know a group of people might regard him as a rapper but I prefer to regard him as a singer who raps.
Most Impressive Hip-Hop Album: "Lasers" by Lupe Fiasco. It was a typical Lupe album except all he needed was to sing a little then it would have been a Pop album. "I Don't Wanna Care Right Now" did it for me though. The title was what I did most of the year.
Most Impressive Collaboration: "I'm On One" DJ Kaled/Drake/Rick Ross/Wayne. From the first time I heard the track I knew it was that track any hip-hop fiend could confidently jam in his car. It wasn't your typical rap collabo where you are out to listen to who rapped the best verse. It was three totally different styles on an instrumental that spoke for itself.
Most Annoying Song: BLACK EYED PEAS....EVERYTHING they worked on this year was annoying. It was the same monotonous sound. Anytime their songs comes on it was a sign for me to change the channel. That's why I don't know the name of any of their songs but I remember the first 2 seconds of the video.
Most Impressive Dance Song: "Hello" by Martin Solveig & Dragonette. Simple and sweet...this songs always kept me alert.
Most Impressive Nigeria Artiste: Wiz-Kid/Whiz-Kid/Wiz Kid/Whiz Kid/WizKid/WhizKid [however he decides to spell his name]. I never saw this coming, I saw him as a noise maker on tracks he featured on last year but I gotta to admit he did deliver. "I Love My Baby" was a track I found myself playing on repeat despite the lack of originality.
Most Impressive Rock/Alternative Album: "Sign No More" by Mumford and Sons. This is a must have by anyone who loves music. This is one album I find it difficult to mention the names of the tracks because they were all good and I had no need to shuffle to a favourite. I was ready to listen to whatever song played next. One of my fav lines was "Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free. Be more like the man you were made to be."
Artiste to Watch Out for in 2012: Nicki Minaj, for some reasons I believe Nicki Minaj would have the highest selling album in 2012. For her to achieve it she definitely has to break records and she isn't new to that. A setback I see is that she suffers from poor selection of singles off her album. It was like she randomly select songs from a hat. The first supposed single from her first album was so wack it didn't make her album. Her must successful single "Super Bass" was a bonus track on the album. Even her first single off her next album "Roman in Moscow" is not a major force on the chart. Despite these I still believe she would have the highest selling album next year.
First of all...Hip-Hop/R&B had turned to one of the top money making genres. In the last eleven years, 2 r&b albums had made the top of the end of the year chart while 4 hip-hop albums had made the end of the year chart. Even Adele's "21" album was heavily influenced by music of black origin. Nicki sings/rap which puts her at an advantage. Also her label mate had topped the year end chart once and that makes me believe she has the management to make it happen. She also had the opportunity to feature Madonna after touring with Britney Spears which would definitely expose her to new listeners. So watch out for "Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded" on Valentine's Day 2012.
Anyway...although the year isn't over I'll still say bye to 2011 in music...see you in 2012.

Monday, December 19, 2011

RIP* Kim Jong-il [*p stands for purgatory]

Who was Kim Jong-il? Some say [practically the whole world] he was a tyrant BUT the Kimmy I knew was a funny little guy...had his pecks no doubt but f@*k it, he made me laugh. The Kim [sounds feminine] I knew was in Team America World Police and was one of the funniest guys. The world lost one of it's laughing stock.

The transcript below was when Hans Blix wanted to inspect Kim's palace if he had weapons of mass destruction.

Hans Blix: Let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind.
Kim Jong-il: Hans, ya- breakin' my barrs here, Hans, ya breakin' my barrs!
Hans Blix: I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me see your whole palace, or else...
Kim Jong-il: Or erse what?
Hans Blix: Or else we will be very, very angry with you... And we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
Kim Jong-il: Ok, I show you around. First, move to your to reft a rittle [Blix moves]
Kim Jong-il:Rittle more.
[moves again]
Kim Jong-il:Good. [opens trap door then walks to shark tank]
Kim Jong-il:There you go Hans Brix! How you rike that you fucking cock sucker? [watching a shark tear Hans apart] Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am? Werr, fuck you. You want inspection? Werr inspect that you butt-fucking piece of shit. What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer? I'm pranning the attack. Congraturations Team America, you have stopped nothing.

Friday, December 16, 2011

It's My Party & I'll Write If I Want To

The year I was born the world was Living on a it was only right a blessing conceived as me be born in the last month of the year. What a great way to end the year.
Incase you don't know me, call me Ade and today marks the date I was born. This is my party and I'll write if I want to. The last 365 days had been one of great discovery of who I am/should be...and the people around me. I found love in a hopeless place, lived there for a while and packed up my bags...I'll be gone till November. I also found out the true meaning of deceptive people could be with the mask they wear to cover their faces/intentions. Biggest lesson I learnt was you can't please ANYBODY. Do the best [the person deserves from you] and move ahead.
December last year wasn't special...I can't remember much except wandering around on Christmas day for Christmas food...hunger was nothing compared to what the new year had in store. [Any] continued her silent treatment in the new year...refusing to pick calls and all that sh!t ONLY for her to send a text one day about how it was all my fault...trying to make up or whatever. It would have meant something to me, probably I would have sensed her sincerity if her hair wasn't all messed up and it wasn't few days to her birthday. Yea, maybe I was jumping into a conclusion but she was that selfish. She did the same thing before going for service [that NYSC crap], this time the pretext was "borrow"...the money wasn't much, probably 3 to 4 thousand...BAD DEBT. The last time she "borrowed" and I reminded her to repay, she cried. I'm ready to do some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ish to delete her from my life but I need one thing from her. One jackass synced my ipod [of over ten thousand songs] on a system with only 2 songs...left me with those two songs. And they were even the same songs copied twice. [Any] has a back-up of my songs on her laptop and I've been trying to get them since July. This is December right? Still on it. Things have changed for her...I realised she has a boyfriend and I wish her good...and by "good" I mean the boyfriend fucks her good.
I had school mates/peers that got married, maybe that's a sign I should be thinking about doing that. It was easier/faster to f@*k girls nowadays with marriage format BUT I aint going to deceive myself. One of 'em fucks her lover when her husband goes to work. Blames herself for getting married early. It started with I can test your microphone but I can't allow you sex me cause that would be cheating...Let's just say I don't have any special regard for marriage nowadays, weddings were mere dress rehearsal of a decision you've made before that date. And it changes nothing...the girls would only change their husbands name to "my husband" for the first few years.
I saw a girl I once regarded as "the most intelligent female I know" after [more or less] a year. She said if she had seen me in January she would have shot me. Fact is sh!t happened...back in school [final year] some pussies attempted some Gossip Girl sh!t, dissing people on Facebook. There were two usernames used, one was the name of the course adviser while the other had a cool name [I must admit] Parrot King. And the girl happened to be one of those attacked...for obvious reasons I had to be suspected for being at least one of 'em because I was that guy you could expect anything from. Fact is I don't do any sh!t I can't take credit for and didn't trash the girl. She obviously believed I was the guy. Now I'm in a position where I can say who was responsible and I aint saying sh!t...thanks for pointing fingers at me BUT if you insist, the last name was YOU while the first name was FUCK.
In the last 365 days I found out my worst enemy is a relative...I know a lot of haters would be disappointed I aint giving them this award [better luck hating next year]. Fact is I pride myself as one of the easiest person to relate with but some people are not just cool with that. I can't even count the number of times I've heard "I'll crack your skull" for practically doing nothing. This hater would find fault in anything, even when I said "I'm not talking to you"...I guess that's life, even if you aint looking for trouble, trouble would look for you. From that experience I learnt a new definition of what family meant. If home is where the heart are those that live in your home, your heart. Looking at it from that perspective you'll realise friends were more family to us than blood.
I realised my personal life is messed up and I don't love anyone...I suffer from lack of "object permanence" when attempting to build a relationship- out of sight was definitely out of mind. For the first time I consciously attempted to build a relationship & make it work BUT I don't trust these bitches, I, I, I don't trust these bitches. You know, Trust Issues.
I was hoping to be [at least] a millionaire [in $] by this year...I'm guessing it didn't come because I had revenge on my mind. Maybe because I wanted to f@*k some people up sooooooo bad they would need 9 months of anti-hating care to be delivered. Now I just don't give a f@*k about those peeps....I must have been so hard to watch, what a year for you niggas.
I wished I had beautiful tales to tell about these last 365 days...I had my laughs no doubt but the lows were there...some lows were lower than others and that created a false perception of an high. The next 365 days I have no idea of what to expect but if I'm alive to write then it's all good.
Happy Birthday to I'll go ahead and delete those comments on my Facebook wall...those "HB LLNP Dearie/Honey/Baby/Sweetheart", "Where the party at?" know, all those unoriginal, creativity deprived birthday wishes.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Benefit of Benefit of the Doubt

Have you heard the story of a woman that did one last shopping before boarding a plane? She decided to buy chocolates for her kids back home which she put in a small bag. Half way during the flight she had to use the bathroom and dropped the bag of chocolates on her seat. She returned to see a father and his daughter that occupied the seat beside her feeding off a bag of chocolates. She was dumbfounded especially when the girl looked up at her and smiled. All the woman could say was "I can't believe you are doing this, it is rude." Instead of missing out on the treat entirely she joined them. The daughter increased the speed which she used in unwrapping the chocolate bars and the woman did the same. She didn't chill to finish chewing a bar before putting another one in her mouth. Afterall, it was her money used in purchasing it and she wanted to eat as much as possible. The man had a disapproving look on his face but she didn't care. After they emptied the bag she sat comfortably in her seat and spotted her own bag of chocolates. She looked at the father and daughter without an idea of how to explain her actions.
Virtually everyone have been in situations where they jump to conclusions early. They make decisions based on gut feelings, decisions which in most cases might come with repercussions unlike the instance described above. I am referring to those where someone is accused for an action they didn't commit but we were conviced they were the culprit and we proceed to taking actions. Such accusations might lead to death of the cordial relationships between the accused and the accuser.
I remember back in school when I had a roommate who was notorious for "borrowing" stuffs without permission. His hands itched like he had chlorophyll on 'em, so by the time one of my items was missing he was the prime suspect. I had to use my discretion...I accused him and as expected he denied. That wasn't the first time he would deny an act he carried out...all you needed was force and he would begin to sing like a tweety bird. All the effort put in to make him say what I expected him to say was wasted when I found what I accused him of stealing. I had to swallow my pride and apologise and THAT is what most people find difficult to do in such situation.
I'll give you a technique you could use to make that easy no matter how much you accused the person/dent the image. When you accuse someone always give the person the benefit of the doubt but not enough for the person to use it as defence. Say stuffs like, "if you aren't the one...I'm sorry, I really am. But I have a gut feeling you are the one and I know if you were in my shoes you would do the same" then you can go ahead and slap the person silly but keep saying the same thing. Let the person know you aren't doing it out of hate but dissapointment [even if it was a lie]. Apologising shouldn't be difficult if the accused wasn't the culprit...then again, you've even appologised.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Appendix Friends

I have lots of useless people in my appendix useless, just there with no useful function. Like your appendix the only thing they cause is pain and by then you have no choice but to cut them off. I call them Appendix Friends...and everybody have one, two, three, damn! Like malaria they keep coming back, and stronger. They are always there when you take that decision you now regret and they attempt to reorganise your L.I.F.E, twist the "F" and "L" for them to read you easily like a FILE. Some date them and say all those romantic bullshit to 'em. Those are the Appendix boyfriend/ girlfriend...useless as an airconditioner on a bicycle. Like books, these appendix friends deserve to be in the back, yeah....where appendix was meant to be, way after the important stuffs that have meanings.

Too bad most of my appendix friends were females...I have 99 problems and they all bitches...and good for 'em that they all know it. Imagine, don't imagine because I lived it. A girl know you are interested in her and after talking your blah! Blah! Blah! Sh!t She asks you for your friend's number. A guy she happened to meet once and had no interest in her. This guy never mentioned her and as his friend I would have known but he NEVER decleared 1% interest. I gave her the number...least she would get fucked. Then she twists it and claims I'm acting somehow...bitch please?

I witnessed appendix friends at its best when a company retrenched some of her workers...these appendix friends were willing to save their asses and acted shocked and sympathetic when their supposed friend told 'em they were fired. Life is bullshit no doubt but these appendix friends bring it close to your face to make the stench be a constant reminder.

I wish I could tell you to pray against appendix friends and it would all be OK buy Jesus Christ had an appendix friend, Judas...and see how he ended up.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Survival of the Fittest...Fitting into the Crowd

I was walking down a street and I heard a sermon about "Survival of the fittest". About how Charles Darwin had suggested in his theory of evolution we should get rid of the ugly/fat/weak/smelly/dumb people to increase the chances of giving birth to "better" species. Probably in years to come the ugliest/least desirable humans would look like Denzel, Brad Pitt, and Beyonce with the intelligence of Stephen Hawking. Those weren't the specific words but that was the basic idea. They simply criticised the Law of Natural Selection Charles Darwin proposed from a religious angle.
I thought about theory, getting rid of the least desirable humans should have its benefit BUT who determines who is not desirable? Who decides on who was ugly and shouldn't be allowed to have an offspring since he/she's genes contains "ugliness". The most important question I asked myself was "Did Charles Darwin propose that?"
In the song "Diallo" by Wyclef Jean he sang, "Survival of the fittest, only the strong will survive..." I have to make it clear at this point Darwin didn't coin the phrase, "survival of the fittest". It was Herbert Spencer. Others who related this phrase to the work of Darwin got it twisted. Some even reference Darwin on the Nazi's extermination of the Jews. He said "law of natural selection" not "law of discriminatory selection". The survival of the fittest in his context where those who best adapt to their environment.
Adaptation is very important...if you fail to, you get weeded out by the laws of natural selection. Take for instance you lived in an area close to a would have a better chance of survival if you could swim. When you bring that idea in a social context you would realise following the crowd might be the best way to fit in and survive. After all, what people say you are isn't who you really are. Take music for instance, sometimes a musician might have sing the kind of song he doesn't like to have a hit. Especially if the kind of song was what was reigning. I know a group of people might not be comfortable with "following the crowd" but majority indeed carries the vote. They determine trends and you just have to learn to fit in and when the majority decides to change to another trend you follow.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Sack Letter...Original Collected By Me

There were times I wished my posts were Super Story and not experiences that involved people's lives. Those were the ones that didn't make me smile...the ones that evoke emotions that all I could say was, "Well, such is life."
Anyway....some us of grew up believing we had special powers. As kids, our minds...imagination, had no limit. I believed I had the special ability of premonition...that sensation absent of any stimulus of something unpleasant was about to go down [the details would be for another post].
I was on my way home from work and had this sensation the building where I worked would be on fire. For some reasons [unknown] I believed it. But the thing about premonition was that there was little to nothing you could do to change it from happening. I got to work the next day and saw the unusual appearance of police-men in the compound. My thoughts went wild, did someone attempt to burn the know, stuffs like that. Stepping in, the only thing unusual was the dull clouded the atmosphere. Minutes later I realised massive retrenchment was taking place. It was then I realised what the premonition of "fire" in my building meant. It definitely set people's hearts ablaze and no one had an idea who would stay and who would go. The GM locked himself in the board room alone and refused to see anyone. If anyone attempt such...well, police-men were on duty for the day.
The first staff that got his letter was a man I admired. He loved his work, he was so passionate about it that he gave me a speech about it once. The importance of placing love of work over money. He walked into the Admin department with pending documents and told the admin officer that he should contact him whenever his replacement needed assistance. He was the first I saw sign on the acknowledge copy of his sack letter, "Original copy collected by me on Friday, 9th of December 2011." It felt like cementing the date in your heart and literally using one's hands to accept rejection.
The next set of people that got their letters made up a department. From the HOD to the secretaries, they all got the boot. The HOD wasn't around to personally receive her letter. The other person that didn't turn up switched off his phone [as if that would change any thing]. Things became quiet for a while to the point we thought the dust had settled then the GM summoned the admin manager and demanded more people were to leave. One of the staffs that had been sympathising with the ones that got their letters earlier had to be one of the ones consoled this time. At this point the tension increased. For the first time I saw some of the staffs use the toilet...the rate of toilet use was so high that for the first time the floors were dirty. As in, they had to release the tension. People that never used the office toilet to piss used it that day to sh!t.
The fact that no one saw it coming [that's my opinion] put people in the position to rationalise and I began to hear gists of happenings I had no idea was going down. Like 2 months ago a staff decided to retire...just like that. It was unexpected [that was my own opinion]. I heard [no be talk am] the reason a staff was given the letter was because he used to have sex with her. Both of them had their respective spouse, kids...everything to constitute a family but that didn't stop them from having extra-marital affairs. The "couple" were caught serveral times and the woman decided to retire, hoping her action would prevent the termination of their appointments and continuation of their sex romp. Her husband found out and pleaded with the management to get rid of the guy...and now, he had his sack letter.
There weren't the only ones involved in office romance that got letters. I had no idea one was married with kids until that day...damn! She was endowed and the guy that was fucking her? I couldn't blame him. I wrote about this guy once on "How To Annoy Your Boss". He was the one reading how to online. I can't believe I didn't think of that "sleep with a co-worker that your Boss [might] admire". Guess he finally got what wanted.
One lady got a letter and she had to be the biggest shock [to me], luckily, hers was one of promotion to fill up a managerial position. I was happy for her.
I learnt so many things on that day, and one of them was a fact of life- expect the unexpected. As I saw some of the [ex] staffs clear their tables [ASAP] I noticed none had planned on doing so anytime soon [if at all]. Their workplace had been their second home. Take for instance a receptionist that sold top-up/recharge care/credit card [depending on your country]. She had debtors in the office and virtually all her debtors were given the boot including herself. She was on her way out when then phone on her rang and for a moment she paused...then walked out. Virtually all of them said "this is they key to MY office/desk/car" as they signed out.
As for me...I had to see ALL their faces as I recorded the company's *ID cards and other possession they dropped.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Beggar With A Swag

Those of you that live/work in Ikeja, close to Computer Villiage, might have seen this...this sophisticated Beggar [not even sure I should call him a beggar]. This dude is the Lasgidi version of the Naked Cowboy in New York. The dude is blind [at least that was his claim to beg] and wears coloured fashionable suits like the one in the picture. Unlike some low class Lagos beggars, he has a stool to sit, just in case he needs to rest his legs after a long day's work. The height of the stool makes it difficult to look down on/at him because he maintains close to the same height with when he was on his feet. He also has a stick to support his hand as he leaves his palm wide open for people to drop alms. This beggar with a swag doesn't have to pray for you. Sometimes he was busy gisting with his friends, like that guy shining a shoe behind him. That guy polish his shoes too. There was another guy in-charge of his pedicure but he was busy working elsewhere during this photo shoot.

I'm not trying to jack this guy's swagz but why on earth do people give him money. Obviously he isn't a millionaire [then again, maybe he was] but this guy looked comfortable. The best dressed Nigerian have got nothing on him. Did I mention I saw him with a phone once, he wasn't PINGING though. That might be because his hardworking friends, like the one polishing didn't have money to buy a Blackberry so he had no one to add to his BBM.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

WEMA Bank...Big, Strong, Re...oh! That's Union Bank

So few minutes ago I was in Wema Bank, I don't bank with them but had to deposit some amount into someone's account. I already had the perception the staff were old and slow and guess what...what?...I wasn't totally proved wrong. They were slow alright but not that old. By the way, I'm referring to the branch at Ikeja close to "under bridge". I stepped in and the first thing I noticed was the floor was littered with sweet wrappers. It looked like a playground. Apparently the bank left sweets in a bowl on the counter as part of "customer service" but forgot about waste bins to dispose the wrappers. So, trust dirty Nigerians...impatient to get rid of wastes.

I'm a kind of person that is happy when I'm in the presence of beautiful people. And by that I meant people that wear the most beautiful outfit called a SMILE. These guys were too damn moody plus they had two pregnant staffs who made sure the environment was gloomy. One "good" thing I noticed was the equality amongst the staffs...It was difficult to distinguish a cashier from a cleaner especially the females. Their hair was unkempt and EVERYONE [except one] used a rubber band as a hair ribbon. Wema bank operates what they call regional banking so they don't exist in the Northern & Eastern Nigeria...only here in the west. I'm guessing that was the criteria for recruiting because Yoruba was the language of communication. Everything about the bank felt wrong...I have this feeling it extended to their customers.

A lot of them were they had to save the world. Even Jack Bauer had 24 hours to save the world but a minute to these guys was like a year. One woman had an issue with accessing her account. She was asked to provide any form of identification which she gave. The customer care representative asked her name and she said, "Iya Toyin". She said she needed her full name + surname. She said Iya Toyin Adebanjo. The rep was confused...she confirmed her surname as Adebanjo. The name she gave didn't match the one with the account so the rep asked if she opened the account before she got married and she replied, "Yes". She requested for her maiden name but the customer had no idea what "maiden name" meant. So she explained that would be the name she was called before she got married. She replied, "Bisi". By the way the customer care rep was pregnant and didn't find it a bit funny. She told her to tell her her father's name and guess what she said...Baba Bisi. The rep got tired of the guessing game and told her the name on the account and made it clear the name didn't match the one on her identification card. She responded by saying the surname on the account was that of her first husband and the rep never asked the name she used to open the account, true. The man beside me kept dissing the bank on their the time he got to the cashier he was told he didn't write the account name on the withdrawal slip. He blamed the bank slip's design for not noticing that. In the end he was asked, "Are you expecting money in this account?" Meaning " no get bar for your account". The guy stammered a bit and was directed to the floor manager.

As much as I might have dissed Wema bank that wasn't my intention. Just unfortunate my first experience in a branch outside the University of Lagos was...but damn, the bank sucks.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I'm a Marriage Virgin

I was commenting on a blog [] the post was about waiting to have sex on your wedding know, stuffs that would interest/motivate virgins. That was when I realised doesn't matter if you were a virgin or not, aborted, of even gone platinum rounds with your sex life. The fact/truth was your wedding night would be the first time you would have sex with your wife/husband.

It reminds me of a saying, why try so hard to survive- you are never going to leave this world alive. The similarity I see is that you put so much effort to achieve something despite the fact that the outcome can't be changed. So now you know, but I don't expect you to agree with me. Even if I've gone all positions with my chic, our wedding night would be the first time I have sex/make love to her as my wife. So technically why should I save myself for a wife when I know we would be our firsts on the wedding night regardless. I'm a marriage virgin.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Police is [Not] Your Friend

I once told a guy we don't waste our time convincing anyone of the obvious, it won't even cross our mind. If you see a mother talking to two of her kids and tells one of them "make sure you clean your room" while the other received a smile. That was a giveaway that the one she smiled at had no problem with getting the room cleaned up. This is why I don't believe in the unofficial slogan of the Nigeria Police, "Police is your friend". As in, if it were true and Nigerians had no issue with the police there would be no need in trying to convince the public. A lot of them are corrupt because they are broke and exploit the position of power they were in. I'm sure every Nigerian would have their tale of how a policeman messed up their day [or life].

Now imagine my shock/surprise this morning as I boarded a bus and by my side was a policeman with a book on his laps. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't surprised that a policeman could actually read BUT the book was titled "Human Rights" by Israel John. I used to think policemen didn't know jack about human rights...I mean, the word didn't exist to them. I kept staring until he became uncomfortable and put the book in a bag. In my mind I was thinking this was a new dawn in the Nigeria Police...reading about human rights.

On my way home this night I noticed a crowd gathered with everyone shouting. Initially I thought someone passed away but as I got closer a friend told me a policeman came to arrest a guy in my area. He pointed at a car surrounded by a mob where the policeman sat in front with his gun in hand. The guy that was arrested occupied the back seat, in the middle of two other men. He added that it was a friend of the guy arrested that invited the policeman to settle a "dispute". The "dispute" was the most stupid I've heard. A friend arresting a friend for sleeping with his girlfriend. Initially the friend was ashamed to say it when the crowd demanded to know the crime his friend committed. He kept on saying it had nothing to do with money until he lost his cool and blurted what went down. Apparently the girl had been sleeping with his friend for the past 3 days. If he had even been there earlier he would have met his girlfriend "ridin' dirty". Before the guy got in the car he slapped the policeman because he took it as a joke. That angered people more, if the police were called during a robbery they would have taken their time like a diva preparing to go on a red carpet evert. Now they showed up armed to arrest a guy for enjoying himself. The girl also resides in my area....she was one of those girls that put smiles into the faces of lonely men. The chic was definitely not one to take home to your mama, short, take serious in a relationship. As the drama was taking place, the girl who was at home kept calling the guy by my side if the policeman had left. She was staying with her Uncle and didn't want the drama to be brought to his door step.
I can't even believe a policeman came armed and prepared just to arrest a man for sleeping with a girl. This so contracted what I so that morning.'s alright, Nigeria we hail thee.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Kinky Love Triangle

I'll start by saying this post is not rated Jenim. Jenim is a girl I know that described some of my writings as "vile" and tagged me as "professor of masturbatory studies". If you also have such opinion about my posts, I can assure you this one won't perform any justice in changing your mind. Since Jenim might not like it that was why I chose the rating.
In my defense my blog isn't Super Story, I am not preaching family values but my experiences which we all have our unique ones but I've decided to put mine in words. Like this one I've titled "Kinky Love Triangle".

Where do I begin to make you understand the feeling I had throughout this experience. It was back in the University of Lagos, sophomore, and I was in a period where I thought I had discovered myself. I would describe myself as socially-reclusive but still had my guys with bonds stronger than the rest. These were the guys you could make sacrifices for and no pussy or dough could come between [theoretically]. One of 'em told me about a girl he was interested in dating...the girl was fine I aint gonna lie & she had an innocent look about her that could either attract or discourage a guy regardless of his intentions. The conflicting thing about such looks was that a guy could either see the girl as naïve and get what he wanted [is there any need to spell it out?] Without stress OR the girl could be too naïve and dull the guy until he came to his senses to move ahead. This girl was a mix of the two, she was like a faulty street light. One second you see the green light and before you could move an inch it turns red. My guy got fed up and officially proclaimed he no longer had the chic on the parole list. I decided to collect the baton because I had this feeling I was fast enough to cross that line when I see the green light before it turned red. I decided to take it slow to achieve that, girls like that were moved by words and I was good combining them to compose wonderful sentences. The frustrating aspect for me was I never saw the green light.

I was on my way to the library when I heard someone call my name, it was her. I told her where I was off to and she decided to tag along. That was good enough for me...I saw that as an opportunity and I took it. My purpose of visiting the library was to find reference materials for an assignment on rites of passage- how certain cultures celebrated a child's transition into adulthood. Some how the discussion about my assignment became sexual in nature. And that was before we even stepped into the library. If my assignment was based on sex, her mind was enough reference material and she facinated me more because it contrasted her persona/appearance. As we stepped into library my eyes began to scan for a location that was coded. Where it would be possible to run things. I spotted one between some old shelves in a corner. In the pretext of finding books I led her to that spot and the first thing I did was to clear doubts and make her know "No one can see us standing here". She went 360 degrees to confirm. Next thing I knew, we began to really kiss. At one point I had my fingers in her pants and hers in mine. What tripped me the most was we kept on laughing and commenting on what we were doing. You only experience such things with people you were comfortable with...physically. From that day on our make out sessions began in the mornings before class, like before 7 o'clock, it was one of the best ways to start the day. I'll be in class, sitting with my heart filled with bliss while I watched the lecturer's lips move before I fall asleep in class. Then one day she told me my guy, who said he was no longer interested, was making moves. As in, he wanted to continue from where he stopped and this time he was determined to date her.

I was in a position where I definitely didn't want to be. I was beginning to really like her and...maybe I was at fault. Although I told my guy I was interested, I left out what went down in the library as well as other lips touching sessions. More over all our moves had been coded while his was for all to see. The reason I decided to keep it on a low was to avoid his interest in her resurfacing but it did eventually. If I dated her I knew people would tell me I fucked up my guy's moves. Still I didn't want to let go like that, it wasn't that easy. I left the decision open for her to make [as if I had a choice]. She told me to make it to school early one morning...apparently she told my guy the same thing. He got to her before me and that was what her decision to date him was based on, because he got to her early.

Their relationship blossomed no doubt. Any feeling I had had to be buried somewhere way deeper than my unconscious. I tried to distance myself from her but it wasn't possible. The fact that she was dating my guy meant we would still be seeing each other just as much. I went to my guy's place one day and noticed they were both in his room...the soundtrack was bloody in the sense that I had to hear her moan as she lost her virginity. I mean, I shouldn't feel anything but I did. No one noticed I was there and I preferred to keep it that way. I couldn't look at her in the eyes from then on because all the innocence was gone as I looked from mine. Maybe it was a selfish/jealous feeling but I knew if for a reason we ended up dating, she would NEVER be the way I left her.

They say opportunity comes once and when I met her younger sister, I saw it as an opporunity presenting itself twice. The younger sister reminded me of the girl I knew in the library. Not for the make out part but for the fun loving aspect. Maybe it was my uncouscious rooting the feeling I had for her sister and directing it to her. The sister wasn't in support of me making any move but I didn't care, as far as I was concerned she shouldn't have a say in this. I wasn't going to let go of this opportunity. My relationship with her sister began and at a point I got confused. Was I interested in her because I couldn't get her sister or because I liked times I find myself calling her her sister's name. My guy travelled to the UK for his masters but not before ending the relationship with the girl. Apparently the relationship was stretched to the limit that the incompatibility was obvious. To be honest, I do know they both seem to be happy together...seperated.

She is single, I'm dating her sister but would preferred if it were her and she knows that and waiting for me to make a move this time. Now I'm here typing this thinking...should I follow my heart this time and fight for this feeling or should I let this slip away and cease this kinky love triangle. I know people are going to have things to say...names to call but if that was going the cost of having a happy relationship was it worth it? I have decided that this time, like the last, I'm going to leave my arms wide open and sees if she runs to embrace. The twist now is I'll walk away from both of them if she comes late.

Monday, November 28, 2011

How To Annoy Your Boss

I was at work one day and noticed a co-worker had a rather strange behaviour. Anytime anyone walked close to him he tilted the monitor screen away from the person's view OR he minimised the page. I felt he was probably watching porn but I had doubts when I realised he was taking notes as he kept on clicking the mouse. I mean, no one takes notes when watching porn [it was a visual learning experience]. As he stepped out I walked to his table and maximised the browser. Initially I was puzzled until I found the humour in it [strangely]. He had been reading articles on "How to annoy your Boss".

I used to think having a job was like a boob in hand was worth two in the bra ish. I mean, lots of people were unemployed and it wouldn't be advisable to annoy one's boss which would probably lead to getting fired. I do understand where his frustration could have come from, his monthly salary was some co-workers weekend allowance...damn!

I decided to come up with some ideas you could use to annoy your Boss BUT I'll take no responsibility if you get fired. Feel free to add yours.

• Use earphones when your boss is talking to you with music blaring.

• When your boss calls you on your phone/intercom, begin the conversation by saying "this better be important because I'm on the last stage of Zuma."

• Talk to your boss in a language she/he doesn't understand.

• During meetings especially ones with potential customers, walk in, fart, and leave without saying a word.

• Accuse your Boss of not flushing the toilet after use.

• Whenever your Boss tells you to do something you find stressful, tell him you can't because it was against your ethics, principles, and religion.

• Follow your Boss on twitter/ Facebook and keep talking trash about her/him online.

• Wear a branded shirt of a competing firm to work.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

A Lannister Always Pays His Debts...and You Are Not A Lannister

The world's economy is being run by debts, you see, I don't have to be an economists to know these things. If a world power like America could be over $15 Trillion in debts and rising, who are we to say being a debtor is a bad thing. We have America owing Mexico and all these proves two things, anybody can owe any and status does not exist in the world of debtors. All you had to do was prove/promise/deceive that you were going to pay back, simple. In George R. R. Martin's "A Song of Fire and Ice" there was a statement, a Lannister always pays his debts. The Lannisters were the richest family in the fiction determined to owe no one and WE are far from the Lannisters.

My first exposure to debt management would be in Nursery/Primary school. We weren't owing money then, it was promises and like they say, "a promise is a debt". We would say things like "I promise to play with you during break-time" and during that period the kid would be left alone...ignored, while the person that made the promise would be playing "catcher" with the other kids. As kids I would say we didn't know the consequences of making promises or owing someone and we made it everyday. In secondary school, things changed. Money replaced promises as debts, promises became the collateral used to get the debt. You borrowed the cash and promised to pay back. That was how it worked. It became difficult to pay back because people made promises when they were in need and at that point they might be convinced they would pay back...but a principle of motivation says a satisfied need is not a motivator. The debt takes care of their need and the motivation to repay the debt no longer existed. The debtor could even begin to intimidate you all in an effort to frustrate you.

As we grow older, things change once more and we become wiser. Promises no longer guaranteed debt repayment. We borrow/lend based on personal assessment of 2 things. One, the possibility of the person to repay based on past records and two, incase the person proved stobborn, we consider the possibility of forcing the person to repay. Sometimes we demand for a collateral for the second. When a student decided to sell Brazillian hair products in school she knew the risk involved. A lot of girls wanted it but couldn't afford it and often negotiated contract payment. The issue with contract payment was you had to constantly keep tabs on your debtors like an FBI agent. You even end up calling them more than your loved ones. One "chic" in school decided to have one of those Brazillian hair weave-on...that was the trend and she didn't want to be left out. BUT she didn't have the full amount...she was twenty thousand Naira short. She became one of those "I'll pay next week". Next week turned to weeks and months without the girl showing signs of repaying. She had a nice chat with her twenty thousand Naira debtor and gave her a condition to repay the debt...she accepted. The condition was....*read on*. The debtor went with the girl to visit a man in his office, a married man I must add. She introduced the debtor as "the girl I told you about". He invited the debtor to sit on his laps and she obeyed with zero hesitation. In the presence of the girl, he stripped the debtor naked...played with her boobs and every other part that could produce liquid before he fucked her on his table. While he was doing this, he kept having a casual conversation about how sweet the girl's pussy was and asked if she had any other debtor that needed to repay debt. By the end of the day everyone was satisfied. The man covered the debt after fucking the debtor, the debtor no longer became a debtor. She still had her Brazillian hair but I'm not sure about her dignity. The debt literally fucked her up.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Touch Of My Hand

"I’m not ashamed of the things that I dream
I find myself flirting with the verge of obscene
Into the unknown, I will be bold
I’m going to places I can be out of control
And I don’t want to explain tonight
All the things I’ve tried to hide
I shut myself out from the world so I
Can draw the blinds and I’ll teach myself to fly
I love myself
It’s not a sin
I can’t control what’s happenin’
‘Cause I just discovered
Imagination’s taking over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand
The touch of my hand..."

That song by Britney Spears is all this post is about, and if you don't get it by now...sorry, I'm not going to use the M word but I'll give you another clue, self-gratification. I once said the number one lie people tell was, "I don't lie". I think this should be the second. People deny they do this. But I know, whether you are a virgin or not OR you are simply confused if you are still a virgin, you can't bullshit me you haven't done was human nature for you to understand the touch of your hand as you explore erogenous zones. You know, those places that takes you to a higher place.

I aint gonna lie, it helped me a lot. For one, it helped me understand where sperm was released from. And also that sperm didn't look like a tad pole with the naked eye. You see I grew up a great thinker and when I learnt about sperm from a science teacher who was scared to cross the imaginary line of decency I was left confused. In my own understanding of his words, sperm came out from the balls. I knew where the balls were, after all I had be kicked there a few times BUT which channel did it exit the body from? If the school teacher had said sperm was produced by the balls and released through the penis, next time I was drawing the female reproductive system I would have written at the vigina "Insert Penis Here" to show I understood. Like sweat, I use to think sperm would be released through the balls sack *why did I even have that thought?* Anyway, by the touch of my hand I discovered Sperm.

Like I said, self-gratification had taught a lot of people so many things and one of them was that the female body indeed had a delayed sexual response cycle. Most girls complain that they weren't being satisfied by their men...he cums early and they were left half-way and all that. If it was the guy's fault how come when it comes to self-gratification guys still cum faster than girls. Guys don't even need toys...but girls, they have a multi-millon dollars industry designing dildos, vibrators, and Ben Wa balls to satisfy them. My point is, guys if you can't make a girl cum, relax, even they have difficulty in making themselves cum.

Self-gratification was no doubt a remedy for sexually frustrated individuals especially men. It was a quick temporary fix for a rush of blood to the penis. I remember in camp...where men had to sleep in what could have passed for a wearhouse. There were bunk beds arranged in rows but that didn't help in the perception of overcrowding. The room was poorly ventilated and the heat emanating from the bulbs only made the condition worse. A decision was reached to switch off the bulbs at night. On one of those nights someone for whatever reason switched them on as he stepped in...with the sudden illumination everyone became wide awake and eyes shifted to a guy jerking in his bunk. That was what caught our eyes. The guy had reached a point of no return as he was about to release...which he did and came back to his senses. Trust guys...this guy became the joke of the night. But he was bold o. He confessed that wasn't the first time he did that in the bed and passed the blame to girls. He added he doesn't have a girlfriend and girls were fond of turning him down. On a good year he would have sex twice. I felt for him...having sex twice a year, it was traumatic having wet balls only twice a year. Did I mention this guy was in his thirties? He was. If he was my friend I would have introduced him to some gehs from Imo state...then, on a bad year he would not have had sex twice that year.

Monday, November 21, 2011


Take this quiz, Brag is to ____ (Men/Toys) as Nag is to ____(Sky/Females). I'll give you a hint, those verbal actions are associated with humans. I know I'm generalising, I know there are men who nag but females have the exclusive right those men only...licenced it. I hate nagging, that is one of my natural turnoffs (others include bad breathe and body odour). Even if you are my Rihanna in Beyonce's body, as soon as you begin to nag I begin to sing "to the left, to the left".
The Bible recognises the dangers associated with a nag. Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a QUARRELSOME WIFE.
Proverbs 27:15-16 A QUARRELSOME WIFE is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil in the hand.

Like I implied, I cannot date a girl that nags. There was no need to be in that relationship because nagging is one of the most obvious signs of incompability. Don't get me wrong, you might love the person but you are not compatible. It shows communication between you two is faulty and there was difficulty in making the other see things your way. So you keep repeating the same thing until it becomes annoying. It feels like trying to fix a square peg in a round hole where the square peg is the info you want to pass across while the round hole is the person you want to pass it to. Nagging is when you try to force the square peg/info into the person by all means. With enough force you might succeed but that would change the shape of the the square peg, the round hole or both. The bottomline is whatever you wanted to pass across won't be taken the way it was intended. The info or suggestion you wanted to pass across is therefore distorted and someone gets hurt emotionally. Now imagine if every suggestion you have in a relationship could be described in the context I gave.

I was listening to a radio programme, a man called in and said he wanted to remain anonymous. His voice sounded like he was tired....emotionally. He asked "How do you know you married the wrong person and your wife wasn't suppose to be your wife?" Then he admitted, "I think I married the wrong person." The presenter attempted to give the speech of marriage isn't a bed of roses but the caller wasn't buying it. The caller said his wife complains a lot about everything he did. The presenter was still trying to play love doctor and gave the whole opposite attract sh!t and the wife was there to checkmate him blah blah blah and keep him grounded. The caller still didn't buy it. He gave a situation, he lived in an area with bad roads/drainage [that could be anywhere in Lagos] and decided a sport utility vehicle (SUV) would be the best type of car to purchase. The wife objected and called it a waste of money. He knew if he got the car there wouldn't be peace in his house as long as he had it. The caller added, "I'm tired". Although the caller gave an instance it was obvious this was one too many. Even if the wife had a point their being incompatible won't allow her to pass it across in a way it wouldn't threaten his peace. There are ways some wives would talk to their husbands, make suggestions, and the guy would believe it was his own decision. He would walk around satisfied like the man of the house while the wife would sit behind pulling the strings. A nagging wife would demand an amount of money from her husband and he would say he was short on cash, his mistress would know how to present it to him and he would drop double the amount the wife asked.

Each man would have his way to deal with a female that loves to nag, but one thing is certain and that is it would lead to the failure of the relationship/marriage. A failed marriage isn't only divorce, it also includes the death of love and affection in the home. A guy got married to a beautiful intelligent girl. She was also a barrister and guess what? She could also nag. No guy would want to f@*k with a lawyer/barrister that've lost the case before you commit the crime. The guy became happiest when he was at work and dreaded going home because his wife was ready to nag him till he pretends he was asleep. He decided to get himself wasted before going home...just drink and smoke weed, that way he would have no idea what the wife was nagging about and have a wonderful smile on his face. His wife began to nag about that unaware the only way to stop him from drinking was to take a moment and shut up about his drinking/smoking habit. He got bored of the whole ish and left his home. He went to a friend's place, switched off his phone and stayed there for three days without any contact with the outside world. No one except the friend knew where he was. The wife began to panic. She called his friends, family members and work colleagues but no one knew where he was. By the time he came home she was intelligent enough to know what drove him away and apologised. She said "I didn't know it had that much impact on you". If I were the guy, I would have spent a whole week away.
"A nagging wife will rot the bones, kill the spirit and dry up any creative thinking. She will drive a man into the desert to free his mind of the constant drip. She will torture him slowly and he will die a slow painful death".
If you nag STOP, no good thing comes out of it and the easiest way to know if you nag is to ask. A lot of people won't get married because of that and those that nag their way to the altar won't have a happy marriage. If you do want to stop the act adopt patience and know when to pass your point across. Maybe I should write another piece on that...

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I began writing since...can't remember. I would scribble experiences and give them titles like "A White Man With Tribal Marks". Then someone came along and suggested I open a blog and I did, a year later I'm still blogging and loving it. I see it as my vault of experiences and I gave myself one rule- never mention names. That aside, I began to read works by other bloggers and one that caught my attention was
KevinWithanL would have to be the most interesting blogger I know and definitely one of the most talented writers. The interesting part is not solely based on what he writes but you can't help but wonder what goes on in his head. Like everyone with above average talent it was obvious he had issues and it became apparent with each post. This was someone whose first posts were inspirational words from Peju Oyemade...months later he was talking about how he fucked a girl he met on Twitter. To be honest, that was when he became really interesting. He did the one thing I wouldn't do- mention names- and when you have as many followers he had on twitter that doesn't sound like a nice idea. I remember he became a threading topic once on twitter [in Lagos sha]. The next thing I observed was he "imploded", this occurs when you make a sudden drastic decision. This was common with celebrities who find the price of fame to high to pay, like when Britney Spears cut her off her hair for no reason. Or when Michael! Feels like he kept imploding throughout his career. First, his twitter handle @KevinWithanL got deleted or something and that was the medium he used he spreading his word. Then he wrote what he claimed would be his last post on his blog [I know he will be back, people like him love attention]. I have to add that was his best piece I've read. That guy is a genius.

The truth is, it is soo easy for writers to get carried away with what they choose to reveal. Kanye West once rapped "I'm on TV talking like it is just you and me". The same feeling applies to writers, you pick up your pen and as you express yourself you believe your audience are only those you have in mind. Before you know it, even those you never thought could read have accessed it. What you wrote can now be freely taken out of context. Another of my favorite blogger @Keet_kat wrote her last post "Encore" would be her last, she doesn't want "to spill her guts out anymore".

Then one thought came to mind...was this the effect of excess self-disclosure. These bloggers including myself literally type our life out for all to read and most of them don't know the consequences. Self-disclosure is really important in creating a strong PERSONAL relationship. You feel a bond with anyone you self-disclose imagine self-disclosing to thousands of people who really don't give a sh!t about you or what you revealed from your past. You write "I think I love this girl" and someone responds "try saying that after you f@*k her". On the long run, stuffs that leaves a vacuum in your self-appraisal. Your personal life become their entertainment, KevinWithanL becomes Nigeria's funniest blogger and with such label every other thing you want to disclose about yourself isn't relevant if it isn't funny. By describing yourself your audience defines you.

Still, I love blogging and bloggers out there and damn! there are a lot. I have to admit, even if these guys stopped writing I doubt they would be missed.
That is just life, no one is indispensable...there is always someone to carry the torch.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Mr. & Mrs.

Being a married couple is more of a girl's dream than a guy. Fairy tales including the Walt Disney classics suggest from the wedding day, the couple lives happily every after. In reality, that was far from the truth and most people have come to accept that. I see couples in my neighbourhood with smiles and their beautiful kids being so carefree and I say to myself, "this couple must be really really happy". I saw a couple one morning, the husband was holding the hands of his two daughters as he walked them to school, while the wife was few steps behind with their school bags. If I didn't know better I would have thought all was well, that that was a happy family.

Months earlier, I had seen the husband returning from work in his car. I can't say what the time was but I'm guessing it was probably two hours to midnight. Barely 10 minutes had passed from the time the guy parked in his compound when I saw him running out with only his boxers on and his wife chasing after him. This wasn't a late night jogging exercise, his wife was determined to beat the hell out of her husband as she rained curses during the chase. The street was empty so the guy had to run until he saw people come to his rescue. It took great verbal and physical persuasion to calm the wife. Apparently the husband had been a punching bag all this while. That was when this Mr. & Mrs. actions made more sense, he had taken the "role" of the wife. I remember one time he was driving home, and as his car approached his house which was one away from mine he began to slow down. His hands weren't on the steering wheel but his phone. As he drove pass I noticed he was deleting messages and call logs. Probably he had something to hide but with a wife that could beat the sh!t out of the husband, it was best to hide everything.

There are some Mr. and Mrs. that you don't need to know what goes on behind closed doors to know they weren't meant to be together. It felt as if the girl couldn't wait for Prince Charming to save her so she settled for one of her captors. I knew this Mr. before the Mrs. came along and I didn't like him. He was one of those who was no doubt accomplished in the business world but his personal life sucked because he sucked personally. He got tired of the girl and wanted her to leave but he knew that won't be as easy feat. Getting married was as easy as saying "I do" but dissolving the union wasn't as easy as saying "I don't" or "I'm tired of you" OR "Move ahead!". She was one of those Mrs. that had nothing outside their matrimonial home to fall back on. So whatever bullshit the Mr. threw at her she was ready to swallow it. During her pregnancy he deprived her of so many things in an attempt to frustrate her to move in with her mum for that period but she didn't take a step. When the Mrs. delivered, while others bought gifts, he bought a new lock...the girl's mum came to their home to stay for a while but he kicked her out. He wanted it to be the other way round where the girl would stay with her mum. He intended to change the lock during that period but this Mrs. sensed it and didn't move an inch. The only way she would leave her matrimonial home was if he killed her.

One other Mr. & Mrs. lasted 2 years in my area along with their marriage. The Mrs. was from a wealthy/influential family, even her dad was a commissioner while the Mr was...let's just say he had a family. That wasn't the only contrast, the Mrs was also on the fat side which would make people question why the Mr got married to her. It was either he had a taste for big women or the money. The wife got pregnant and travelled to America leaving the husband alone in the house. This Mr didn't hesistate to take full advantage of being home alone. He was so promiscuous that by the time his wife was to arrive after delivery, his mother went door-to-door to plead with neighbours not to allow the Mrs know of her son's behaviour. The cracks in the marriage finally led to the failure when she found out. The Mrs moved out of their home when she couldn't stand seeing the guy and the Mr decided to also move his things out. Their home remained empty for weeks. During that period, I walked in and saw what was left of the marriage. Both Mr & Mrs had taken with them what they brought into the home and left behind what they both shared. In their scattered bedroom was a typed note on the floor with other pile of papers. It was writted by the wife to the husband. The title was "20 Things I Would Do To Make You Happy". It was a list of things the wife wanted to achieve to satisfy the husband and included things like losing weight and always respecting him. It showed the Mrs was determined to make the marriage work but I have to admit, I might not know if she fulfilled the remaining items on the list but I do know she didn't succeed in shedding the weight.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Last Name Ever, First Name Greatest

At one point in our lives we would want to be known as a name other than ours. Where our last name would be Ever, while the first name would be Greatest. Being called Greatest Ever____ [fill in the blank] is no easy feat. People have their own recipe on what makes people great. One consistent idea I've noticed is to be persistent on a single goal because every race in life has its own unique track. Even Usain Bolt won't run against Ferrari F1 cars on a speed race track. Like I said, being Greatest Ever____ isn't easy and won't happen overnight. If being Greatest Ever___ takes time, then I've got all it takes.

I see time as the major determinant people use to decide if they should give up on their race of become Greatest Ever____, either they perceive time as telling them they were getting too old or time was telling them "no more time". I've got no time to watch and I know even a second of being called the Greatest Ever____ was enough even if the next breath between this two lungs would be the last. My point is, if it was something your heart desire a lifetime isn't enough time to spend getting it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

You Know The Problem, So What's The Problem

They say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting you have one. That way you would be open to change. I don't agree knowing a problem solves much, if it does anything at all it would be making you aware of what frustrates you. I mean, we practically know a whole lot more about obstacles we need to overcome but how come they are difficult to get rid of. Below is a post a girl wrote on her Facebook wall. It is about...[Just read it]

"Chioma breakup wit him,u will see dat he cnt tell his friends dat he his an animal in human clothing or can he tell his family,pls bt if u marry him dat will b your greatest mistake,u r 2beautiful 4 him 2 hurt,let him go,a better man is near u,pls,u pple shld tell me wat to tell my friend b4 her lunatic boyfriend that claim 2 v swag kills her,his swag is beating her not treating her like a woman,guys pls wat do i say 2 this boyfriend of hers?he doesn't give you anythi,neva hs he giving u money 2mk hair,u buy him everything even phones,haba wake up,he is using u,he is hanging on cos of wat he is gettin 4rm u.s."

In case you didn't understand the post I'll explain. A girl wrote on her Facebook wall about her friend who was in an abusive relationship. The friend, apparently was finding it difficult to break-up from that relationship. The post was open for people to comment, giving their advice on how she should help her friend see that she deserves more than the abusive guy.
The reason for copying the post here is only to prove knowing our problems does little to solve it.

First of all, let's focus on the girl's friend. Being in an abusive relationship is an obvious problem. Like I wrote in an earlier post "A Slap Should Convince You". No one gets hurt and feels good about it. Now focus on the girl that wrote the post. It was also obvious she knew what the problem was and was determined to find a solution to help her friend. Now here is the twist, the girl that wrote the post was referring to herself. She made up a fictitious friend to cry for help [read the post again if you didn't notice]. This girl has "a lunatic" boyfriend that beats her up and she finds it difficult to leave him. The truth was she can't help her[self/friend]

That was just an instance. There are people who find themselves in other situations that give them sleepless nights, yet they "wake up" to face it the following day. It could be school, work, family or relationships. They know what the problem was and can't solve it. The truth is no one was born to suffer, the body is self regulatory and it gives signs when something becomes waste and not needed by the body, for example, you don't tell your body to sweat, your body tells you. Frustrations and sleepless nights are also signs that they body regards certain endeavours & relationships as waste, and as much as you might want to make something out of it, your body might fail you. Walk away when in such situations and don't think with your heart or rationalise with your head. If to overcome that problem isn't that easy to walk away, PRAY.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Hellooo...Too Much Info

I'm going to write below statements I've heard from girls. After reading each statement, I want you to take note of what goes through your mind.

• I have to make my hair
• I am so tired
• I feel like eating Pizza

For someone like me, anything I hear is represented in a vivid mental imagery. So when a girl says, "I have to make my hair", as I think about that I picture her in a salon getting all glamed-up. It doesn't end with a mental imagery, I also ask myself "why is she telling me?" My answer is usually subjective but makes sense to me. "I have to make my hair" to me might imply "I need you to give me some money to make my hair". And if she feels like eating pizza it meant "I'm hungry and I need you to buy me pizza". "I'm so tired" simply means, "Can you please let me be by myself for the meantime?"
The point I'm trying to make is whatever I hear goes through a lot of thought process and I have a wild imagination that might lead to the weirdest rationalisation.

Now, imagine what goes through my head when I hear girls say...

• Do you have a tissue I need to go to the toilet
I told a girl I was washing and she said...
•Can you wash my panties
I asked a girl why she was feeling down and she said...
• I'm having my period

Those are too much info if you ask me and you wouldn't want to see the horror that goes through my mind when I hear those. I know it is human nature to experience those but it isn't one to share. The same way girls can't spread all their panties under the sun depending their "condition" is the same way they shouldn't share those info. If you are bleeding through your pussy, keep it to yourself...and if don't wear panties, good for you, and if you do I don't want to know. When the girl told me to wash her panties I knew she said it as a joke but it wasn't funny. To wash something meant it was, imagine dirty female panties. The horror doesn't end there, most girls mostly wear panties during their period. Now, imagine a female panties that got dirty during her period. Bloody.

I have to end this here because I'm disgusted already.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Dancing Nude For A Blind Man/Love Responsibly

A friend once said loving someone who does not appreciate you is like a beautiful lady dancing nude for a blind man. TOTAL WASTE OF TIME! I totally agree with the statement and the unfortunate part was most of us end up being that beautiful lady dancing nude for someone "blind" in our lives. We hear the rhythm of our heart beat [sic] as it skips for that person and we keep dancing...totally wasting our time.

Now, I'll add I've danced a few styles for someone. I also have to add that I am also a bad "dancer" but lucky for me "the music stopped". A question I'll ask & give my opinion is, Whose fault was it when we fall in love with someone that doesn't feel the same way, who is to blame? My answer is the individual that fell in love. Take this instance, you walk into a gallery and out of hundreds of artworks displayed you fancy a particular one. And you say to yourself "This one is beautiful?". Another individual might take a glance at the same artwork and feel the opposite emotion and walk away, without a second thought. Even if you can't put the reason you love the artwork in words [which might be due to your limited vocabulary] You end up buying the piece and have a spot for it in your home. You bought the idea the artwork was beautiful and it would make you feel good.
When you bring the same idea into relationships, you'll realise that we are the ones that decided what we want to love in people therefore we indirectly decide on who we want to love. The person becomes the SUMMARY of human qualities we love. If you love human qualities such as kindness, humour, and patience, and we noticed/assume Mr Jack/Miss Jill posses those qualities. Instead of saying "I love kindness or I love humour", we say "I love Mr Jack/Miss Jill". The point I want to make at this point is people don't love by mistake or forced to. Even those who love at first sight are those who were able to see all that they would like a person to have at first sight. This is possible because we tell ourselves what we are hearing are the kind of things I want to hear. And what I'm seeing are the kind of things I want to see. When we feed our eyes, nose, and ears and we like what we perceive, we feel good within ourselves and that culminates to what is known as emotions. Since the person posses qualities that elicits pleasant emotions within and also makes us feel joy, they become our source of joy. And no one in their right senses would want their source of joy go away. So we attach ourselves to them because they best satisfy us.

As long as we experience those pleasant emotions we are selfish enough not to care if the other person was feeling the same. We only become aware when they start acting up and they stop displaying those qualities we love. These emotions are like drugs, a crack addict does not decide to stop using and become her/his normal self in a day. Even as she/he quits, there are bound to be withdrawal syndrome. When someone is trying to take the pleasant emotions you feel away, there are also bound to be withdrawal syndrome/unpleasant emotions. Some cry, some feel totally useless and used. And like drug addicts, despite the fact you say "this is my last one", or "I'm not going back to him/her" we find ourselves going back and saying it all over again.

This might sound like a cliche but the best way to love and not end up dancing nude for a blind man is to love yourself. If you want to love any human quality, love the ones you have. That way you'll always feel loved and be the source of your joy.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

What A Wonderful Lie

One of the biggest lies would have to be "I don't lie". If every misinterpretation of fact is a lie [which I believe that is what a lie is] then we are all liars since we do that all the time. I have met liars...and I've believed some and obviously doubted a whole lot. But the fact is, [and I ain't gonna lie] lying is fun if you are getting away with it.

I had this friend who was in a gathering of university graduates. It was supposed to be an intellectual one so they began by stating the discipline they studied and institution attended. The first mentioned something like Business & Logistics at University of Michigan, the second person mentioned a university in the UK. The last person to talk was my friend....he noticed everyone had their university degree outside Africa not to mention Nigeria where he studied. He graduated from the University of Maiduguri with a degree in Electrical Engineering. If they thought they could intimidate him, he had something in store. Without flinching he said, "I studied Aircraft and Missile Propulsion at the University of Kabul, Afghanistan." Those guys believed him and to me...that was a wonderful lie. The look they gave him signified respect as he bamboozled with using terms like "applied
compressible flow and thermodynamics" to describe what it was about. I have no doubt they were thinking not only did he have a degree in a "complicated discipline" but in Afghanistan. Those guys must have good lecturers to take subjects related to that know...they love bombs and stuffs like that. Also he must be fricking intelligent. One fact was if they didn't place any prestige in the discipline they studied and where they got it from, they wouldn't have been....Wow!ed.

Most guys lie to get attention from girls...I don't need to do that except I realised the girl's stupidity was less than a typical girl's average I allow her spin for a while. I was with one early this year and after five minutes I was bored with what was coming out from her mouth. It was one of those egocentric statements about how different and unique she was from other girls. I interrupted her...I told her I was leaving Lagos soon for Abuja and that I was the head of the political campaign team of the president representing the youth. Her eyes lit up...I just sat there relaxed. There were so many things I can fake comfortably but intelligence? I don't need to. I kept talking sweet political nonsense and ending statements with "...but I wouldn't want to bore you with that". Like every good magic trick, I needed to Wow! Her. I remembered I had a text message on my phone, it was one of those sent by the president's campaign organisation. Instead of a phone number as the sender it was a name, and it was the president's name. I showed her the text and the next thing that happened....[Is rated 18 SNL]. It was a damn wonderful lie.

People shouldn't be allowed to be stupid to believe such lies but they just do. And if you find anyone believing a ridiculous lie, play along for a while, let their head spin.