Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Chicken That Survived Christmas

What more could a chicken ask for after going through a lot this year. That was the mentality this chicken had after surviving Christmas. The chicken retrospected, from January straight down to December there was an highlight of events worth being greatful for being alive. The chicken however had friends that ended up grilled, fried, boiled, or BLOWN UP.

The chicken had friends that were owned by Barcelona FC fans who had trophies to celebrate 4 times this year. Fortunately this chicken was owned by Arsenal FC no worries there. The Nigerian presidential election was also a fortunate event for him, his owners were CPC. Wonderful losers. It wasn't all smiles especially when the chicken saw how the friends were wasted in the election period. The joy of any chicken was to be cooked with the tastiest sauce during old age but the friends didn't live such life. During that election period a lot were killed for the fun of it at a very young age. Those that thought they had won the election began celebrating before INEC declared them winners. That didn't happen but the chicken was in the pot already.

Boko Haram coward activities also ended the lives of some of this chicken's friends. Some were simply crossing the road when bomb explosion spread their body parts and feathers all across Nigeria. Those were dark days and there seemed to be no end.

The chicken that survived Valentine, Birthdays, Easter, Sallah....Christmas knew he had one more thing to say, "Thank you Almighty God." If this Chicken could praise God....what about you?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Santa and the Hollywood Haram: Another Christmas Tale

Santa was feeling all hyped up as Christmas day slowly approached. Compared to the previous year he could not foresee any event that could jeopardise his spirit and the spirit he was willing to share with the children all over the world. An extra boost to his joy came when the Association of Santa's Little Helpers [the union made up by the elfs] approved several millions of Dollars to fund the once in a year event. In a few minutes he was going to sign the document to finalise the deal. Santa was initially shocked by their approval for extra funding for Christmas despite the Europe financial crisis. Last year, they had proposed a total rebranding of the Father Christmas image. They wanted someone buff like Brad Pitt [in Fight Club] and a sexy assistant like Rihanna [in her "Rude Boy" video]. But...that's all past now.
Santa stepped into the board room, his thought drowned in the applause that followed. He saw Chi clapping excitedly in a corner. Chi was the Chief Accountant of the North Pole, he was also a Nigerian. He helped Santa get to Nigeria in the previous year to save Christmas. The document he was to sign was the only paper on the table. The room went dead silent as he picked up the pen to sign above the dotted line. Every one had their eyes on the that spot as he signed "S.H.C". The silence was broken with another round of thunderous applause until one of Santa's Little Helpers asked.
"Hey Santa, what is the 'H' for?"
"That's my middle name," he replied.
"Shouldn't it be 'N' for Nicolas, St. Nicholas?"
Santa gave a smile that turned into a giggle, "My middle name starts with an 'H', Hakeem."
The room went dead silent once more. "What?" Santa asked, he was uncomfortable with the mood change and the stares.
"That doesn't sound like a Christian name to me" one of them said.
"That is because I am a muslim." The "muslim" echoed for 5 seconds in the room.
That didn't go down well with Santa's Little Helpers who were no doubt shocked. No one had an idea Santa was a muslim all these while [even You!]. He defended himself by saying he never said he was a christian, he added, "You don't see Santa walking into a church or joining a church choir to sing. I am a muslim and if you have a problem with just have to try not have a problem with that." He had nothing else to say.
The news that Santa was a Muslim went viral on all social networks. It spread faster that Beyonce's pregnancy announcement, the tweets went like this...
@JoblessTwitter: santa is a muslim and his name is also Hakeem
@mosque_boy: @JoblessTwitter i can't believe santa is a devoted muslim called Hakeem
@Ginger_girl: i just heard santa is an obsessed muslim named Hakeem
@RumourGuy: Santa & muslim is trending. So santa is a muslim. No wonder he keeps his beards like dem terrorists
@TheFact: heard santa is a terrorist named hakeem
The United States Home Land Security summoned Santa Claus. They claimed they found out from a "reliable and confidential source" called TheFact that Santa was a terrorist named Hakeem. The closing statement of the hearing wasn't good for Santa. Santa was identified as the most suitable culprit to carry out the "most terrifying terrorist act". They noted he had the best experience of how to sneak into homes, that was why he was able to deliver Christmas presents without being detected. He also had a flying sleigh that could prove to be a suitable escape vehicle. He could drop bombs in every homes that would detonate on Christmas day. The whole world supported the USA to prevent him from delivering gifts in their countries and Christmas was CANCELLED. Santa was down...his hope for another Merry Christmas was dashed.
As Santa Clause stepped out of the hearing he was approached by an FBI agent, code name: Jor Oh. Jor Oh asked Santa to walk with him and suggested ways he could clear himself. Santa was excited by the gleam of hope.
Joh Oh said, "It seems I'm the only person that understands this is a misunderstanding understood. The only reason I behaved 364 days in a year and 365 days in a leap year when I was young was because I wanted a present from you Santa. If there was no more Santa, I fear the worst for parents. Children would misbehave all year round. I'm going to tell you how you could clear your name. There is a register, a book, which contains all the names of terrorists in the world. It was called the Book of Terrifying Terrorists. All the law enforcing agencies in the world know about this book but haven't been able to find it. Their motive of having a book and all their names in one place was to identify undercover agents. If a person's name wasn't in the book, the terrorists were aware the individual was undercover. If you could get that book and your name isn't in it, which I'm sure it isn't, you would be cleared. I only hope you could make it early enough before Christmas day."
"But how can I get it? Even you admitted no agency had been able to find it."
"Santa, we just got intel the register is currently in Nigeria, a group just got recognised as terrifying terrorists so it was moved there to have their names. The name of the group is Hollywood Haram, literally meaning Western Movie is a sin. They are against every thing portrayed in Hollywood movies and believe watching it was the cause of moral decay. They have been terrorising cinemas that showed Hollywood movies for a while and now, they have the recognition of international terrorist organisations. If you want to clear your name you have to infiltrate this organisation and steal the book."
Santa gave a deep sign, "That means I'll have to go to Nigeria once again Agent Jor oh." Agent Jor oh tapped him slightly on his shoulder, "You have to do this Santa, the world is counting on you. And when you do get this book, that would be the biggest gift you can give the world. A huge blow in the world of terrorism."
Santa knew he had no choice and there was no use hesistating. With Agent Jor Oh's help, he was able to secure a flight to Nigeria and a make over that involved dying his hair and beards pitch black that made him look really gangster. The only item missing was an AK47 and he would have been fit to cross any middle east border.
Santa was back in Nigeria and he had less than 48 hours to get the book, get to the USA and get his name cleard in time for Christmas. He knew the first step was to get their attention and that was easier than he thought. Since the U.S had labelled him a threat the news spread in the circle of terrorists. Each wanting him to be their spokesperson. He responded to Hollywood Haram's invitation and was to be picked up at the airport. It was a young guy, about 21 years old that was waiting for him. He was holding a cardboard that red "Mel Gibson can't act". That was the code Santa was given earlier to know who was going to pick him up. He walked towards the guy and said, "Nollywood is the best Hollywood" which was the secret response. Together they left in a Van as they begun their hours drive to a secret location in eastern Nigeria. Santa had no idea where he was but he spotted a street sign that read "Iweka Road". "My name is Dandare," the guy said. "Mind if I call you Dan," Santa requested. "No, my name is Dandare". Santa sensed this kid was defensive. They barely talked despite Santa attempt to form a conversation.
They got to the secret location at Iweka road. Where Santa was greated by some Hollywood Haram officials. He learnt the top guy, Action! wasn't around to welcome him. Action! was only seen by full pledged members. Santa was surprised because he thought he was already one of them. One of the officials named Cut! laughed before explaining, "Santa, it is not that easy to get employed here in Nigeria."
"Employed? I thought this was just a terrifying terrorist group."
"Santa you have to write an exam if you pass then you'll be selected. There are so many people that want to join a group that chills, terrify, and get cool cash from government organised amnesty programme BUT we only have few slots. Now we have a vacancy for 3 terrorists. The guy that drove you down here, Dandare, is also one of those that would be taking this exam."
That was how Santa understood why Dandare had given him the cold shoulder, his presence reduced the probability of him being selected. "What a nice kid," he said to himself. Santa sat for the exam few hours later along with about 2000 candidates.
The first 3 questions were...
1) Who was taller between Aki and Pawpaw?
2) How many roles did Mercy Johnson act as a university undergraduate?
3) Who was more handsome Van Vicker, RMD, or Ramsey Noah?
Santa was lost...he knew he had little chance of passing and being selected until an invigilator walked up to him. He gave Santa a paper that contained the solved answers and demanded Santa repay him with $20 which he did. [Writer's note: You see, Santa isn't corrupt but desperate times called for such measures]. Santa passed by scoring the highest. Dandare was 4th, two points was what he needed to have made the top 3and would have been selected. He saw him in the corner...crying his eyes out.
They organised a party for them that night, which was also the night they would sign their names in the book of terrorists. Santa would finally have the chance to come in contact with it and steal it. The ceremony begun with the introduction of the new recruits to the main man, Action! He looked familiar to Santa but he had no idea where they met. All through the celebration his mind kept going back/forth, trying to remember where he had seen him until he was shook to reality to pen his name. He asked Cut! what would happen to Dandare and the others not selected. He was told, "We let them go and they try next year. But Dandare really wanted to join so we strapped him with a bomb and asked him to blow up a cinema that was showing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol tonight, that way he would have the honour he always wanted by being a member of the Hollywood Haram. Santa was in a fix, should he go ahead with the plan or save Dandare from getting himself and so many people killed? When he thought of the word "Killed" he found the answer to what he had been thinking of for the past few minutes.
He excused himself and snuck out of Iweka road to find Dandare. He flagged down a taxi and asked him to take him to the nearest cinema where he spotted Dandare as he was about to step into the building. He rushed to him and grabbed him by the oversized trench coat with the hope of talking him out of it. Santa was successful in doing that with the help of few clips of movies he downloaded on his way to the cinema.
Santa and Dandare stepped into the celebration at Iweka road. Action! and Cut! were shocked to see Dandare still alive. They realised Santa talked him out of blowing himself up for the sake of Hollywood Haram, Action! ordered to have them tied up, as they approached them Dandare called Acton! a liar. "Tell us why you started this group in the first place?" Everyone paused, by now the DJ had stopped the music, they all wanted to hear his response.
"How many times will I say it, Hollywood movies are bad...they teach corruption, homosexuality and all those things."
"You are lying," Dandare said. He connected Santa's phone to a computer and played the video clips he had showed him earlier. They were scenes of failed Hollywood movies Action! acted and most of the scenes were him being killed. His Hollywood roles had been limited to the blackman who got killed in the beginning of movies/series and that was what got him angry.
Action! began to confess, "It wasn't fair, I was the best actor in most of those movies and they kept killing me in everyone of them. No one gave me a chance and I vowed to destroy that industry."
Cut! felt betrayed, "So you were using us to have your revenge. So we were puns."
Action! wasn't going to take all the blame, "Don't pin it all on me, do you think I don't know you have all the American Pie movies under you bed. I've seen even some of you watch "The A-Team" intead of sleeping. None of you believed in this cause of Hollywood Haram from the day you joined. You were only interested in the work-free amnesty salary."
While they were still putting blames on each other, Santa Hakeem Claus stole the Book of Terrifying Terrorists and had a clean escape. He had a quick chat with Dandare about the joy of living for a positive purpose. He described the irony of how he was on his way to kill himself for a group that was busy celebrating and he upheld their cause more than the founder.
Santa got to United States, cleared his name and he was able to share Christmas joy once more. That was how Santa Hakeem Claus saved Christmas this year.
Merry Christmas Everybody.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Fat Detected...Please Step Back

By the way, this is the first post I would be typing/uploading from a computer.

WARNING: If you are a plus size individual or you are sensitive to issues of plus size individuals PLEASE (na so I beg you) you can stop reading from this point ----> .

One thing about me is that I am attracted to sweet scent...I love it. That's why I've got different types of air freshers in my Stamford Bridge. I woke up one afternoon and realised I was out of air freshners. Like they all planned it. I decided to go to one "Shoprite" in my area to get refills. After several stopovers gisting with friends I got there around 8: 25pm which was close to their closing time (8:30pm). A fat woman was ahead of me so I had to wait for her to enter. The doors were those locally made revolving one with metal frames and no glass.

Her first attempt to enter was a failed one...she got stuck and had to come back out. Her second attempt was also a failed one. The security officer begin to give her techniques, if felt like when you attempt to enter a bank and the doors won't open because you had a metal object on you. Then the security officer begins to ask you questions about what you had in your possession and you begin to get yourself "naked" just to find that metal. This woman was in a similar condition and I needed her to get her fat ass in because I needed to get my air freshers. She kept changing styles and tucking her tummy but all attempts failed. A queue began to form inside the building of shoppers that wanted to exit. In the end she gave up. By the time I wanted to get in with my small frame I was stopped by the security officer and told me it was pass their closing time. I checked the time on my watch it was 8:35pm. 

I had to go home like that. The woman just wasted my time.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ade Soundtrack of 2011

It's that time of the year a great lover of music it is only right to take time out and recognised the songs that not only impressed me, but I also regard as the soundtrack of my year. Just like last year, these songs weren't the "best" or released in 2011, but due to the period I was in my life those were the songs I played a lot.
Recap of last year...I predicted Lady Gaga would be the artiste to watch out for in 2011 and I had to admit she did had the momentum prior to her album release to have the highest album sales of 2011 BUT who saw Adele rolling in the deep. If I had predicted top 10 albums I doubt I would have mentioned her. I loved her songs from the first time I watched the video of "Chasing Pavements". The question asked in the chorus, "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads no where?" Made a whole lot of sense to me. I'm glad a whole lot of people are now into the talent called Adele.
Let's begin with the Most Impressive Songs of the Year, the Sountrack of My 2011...
Most Impressive Pop Song: "Breathe Slow" by Alesha Dixon. Yea it was released 2008 but this song would remain evergreen to me. Counting 1 to 10 with eyes closed is a good therapy to regain composure. That was something I needed to do a lot in 2011.
Most Impressive Pop Album: "Lungs" by Florence + the Machine. Released in 2009 but the songs crept their way in my heart this year. Initially it was "Dog Days Are Over" I kept on repeat until "Between Two Lungs" and the rest of the tracks made sense.
Most Impressive Producer: Ryan Tedder. If you ask an average music lover to list greatest music producers I doubt Tedder would be included. I began to understand this artiste and I don't think he is getting enough credit. For one he penned two of the most played songs in the world, "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis & "Apologise" by his band One Republic. He also worked on "Halo" by Beyonce which I regard as one of the most haunting love songs. He contributed two songs to the highest selling album of 2011, "21" by Adele, "Rumour Has It" & "Turning Tables". I also love "Got 2 Love Ya" by Sean Paul ft. Alexis Jordan<---- I still have my eye on you.
Most Impressive R&B Song/Album: "Trust Issues"/ "Take Care" by Drake. Drake did what he could do best, sing/croon his way through songs but it wasn't his voice that did was pure lyrics with their subject matter. I hear some lines and I'm like, "wow! He goes through that as well?" hear lines like "you say it's only a couple of guys you've been with...I'll trust you, give you the benefit of the doubt"...but in my case I'll not trust the girl, I won't give any benefit of the doubt. I know a group of people might regard him as a rapper but I prefer to regard him as a singer who raps.
Most Impressive Hip-Hop Album: "Lasers" by Lupe Fiasco. It was a typical Lupe album except all he needed was to sing a little then it would have been a Pop album. "I Don't Wanna Care Right Now" did it for me though. The title was what I did most of the year.
Most Impressive Collaboration: "I'm On One" DJ Kaled/Drake/Rick Ross/Wayne. From the first time I heard the track I knew it was that track any hip-hop fiend could confidently jam in his car. It wasn't your typical rap collabo where you are out to listen to who rapped the best verse. It was three totally different styles on an instrumental that spoke for itself.
Most Annoying Song: BLACK EYED PEAS....EVERYTHING they worked on this year was annoying. It was the same monotonous sound. Anytime their songs comes on it was a sign for me to change the channel. That's why I don't know the name of any of their songs but I remember the first 2 seconds of the video.
Most Impressive Dance Song: "Hello" by Martin Solveig & Dragonette. Simple and sweet...this songs always kept me alert.
Most Impressive Nigeria Artiste: Wiz-Kid/Whiz-Kid/Wiz Kid/Whiz Kid/WizKid/WhizKid [however he decides to spell his name]. I never saw this coming, I saw him as a noise maker on tracks he featured on last year but I gotta to admit he did deliver. "I Love My Baby" was a track I found myself playing on repeat despite the lack of originality.
Most Impressive Rock/Alternative Album: "Sign No More" by Mumford and Sons. This is a must have by anyone who loves music. This is one album I find it difficult to mention the names of the tracks because they were all good and I had no need to shuffle to a favourite. I was ready to listen to whatever song played next. One of my fav lines was "Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free. Be more like the man you were made to be."
Artiste to Watch Out for in 2012: Nicki Minaj, for some reasons I believe Nicki Minaj would have the highest selling album in 2012. For her to achieve it she definitely has to break records and she isn't new to that. A setback I see is that she suffers from poor selection of singles off her album. It was like she randomly select songs from a hat. The first supposed single from her first album was so wack it didn't make her album. Her must successful single "Super Bass" was a bonus track on the album. Even her first single off her next album "Roman in Moscow" is not a major force on the chart. Despite these I still believe she would have the highest selling album next year.
First of all...Hip-Hop/R&B had turned to one of the top money making genres. In the last eleven years, 2 r&b albums had made the top of the end of the year chart while 4 hip-hop albums had made the end of the year chart. Even Adele's "21" album was heavily influenced by music of black origin. Nicki sings/rap which puts her at an advantage. Also her label mate had topped the year end chart once and that makes me believe she has the management to make it happen. She also had the opportunity to feature Madonna after touring with Britney Spears which would definitely expose her to new listeners. So watch out for "Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded" on Valentine's Day 2012.
Anyway...although the year isn't over I'll still say bye to 2011 in music...see you in 2012.

Monday, December 19, 2011

RIP* Kim Jong-il [*p stands for purgatory]

Who was Kim Jong-il? Some say [practically the whole world] he was a tyrant BUT the Kimmy I knew was a funny little guy...had his pecks no doubt but f@*k it, he made me laugh. The Kim [sounds feminine] I knew was in Team America World Police and was one of the funniest guys. The world lost one of it's laughing stock.

The transcript below was when Hans Blix wanted to inspect Kim's palace if he had weapons of mass destruction.

Hans Blix: Let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind.
Kim Jong-il: Hans, ya- breakin' my barrs here, Hans, ya breakin' my barrs!
Hans Blix: I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me see your whole palace, or else...
Kim Jong-il: Or erse what?
Hans Blix: Or else we will be very, very angry with you... And we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
Kim Jong-il: Ok, I show you around. First, move to your to reft a rittle [Blix moves]
Kim Jong-il:Rittle more.
[moves again]
Kim Jong-il:Good. [opens trap door then walks to shark tank]
Kim Jong-il:There you go Hans Brix! How you rike that you fucking cock sucker? [watching a shark tear Hans apart] Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am? Werr, fuck you. You want inspection? Werr inspect that you butt-fucking piece of shit. What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer? I'm pranning the attack. Congraturations Team America, you have stopped nothing.

Friday, December 16, 2011

It's My Party & I'll Write If I Want To

The year I was born the world was Living on a it was only right a blessing conceived as me be born in the last month of the year. What a great way to end the year.
Incase you don't know me, call me Ade and today marks the date I was born. This is my party and I'll write if I want to. The last 365 days had been one of great discovery of who I am/should be...and the people around me. I found love in a hopeless place, lived there for a while and packed up my bags...I'll be gone till November. I also found out the true meaning of deceptive people could be with the mask they wear to cover their faces/intentions. Biggest lesson I learnt was you can't please ANYBODY. Do the best [the person deserves from you] and move ahead.
December last year wasn't special...I can't remember much except wandering around on Christmas day for Christmas food...hunger was nothing compared to what the new year had in store. [Any] continued her silent treatment in the new year...refusing to pick calls and all that sh!t ONLY for her to send a text one day about how it was all my fault...trying to make up or whatever. It would have meant something to me, probably I would have sensed her sincerity if her hair wasn't all messed up and it wasn't few days to her birthday. Yea, maybe I was jumping into a conclusion but she was that selfish. She did the same thing before going for service [that NYSC crap], this time the pretext was "borrow"...the money wasn't much, probably 3 to 4 thousand...BAD DEBT. The last time she "borrowed" and I reminded her to repay, she cried. I'm ready to do some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ish to delete her from my life but I need one thing from her. One jackass synced my ipod [of over ten thousand songs] on a system with only 2 songs...left me with those two songs. And they were even the same songs copied twice. [Any] has a back-up of my songs on her laptop and I've been trying to get them since July. This is December right? Still on it. Things have changed for her...I realised she has a boyfriend and I wish her good...and by "good" I mean the boyfriend fucks her good.
I had school mates/peers that got married, maybe that's a sign I should be thinking about doing that. It was easier/faster to f@*k girls nowadays with marriage format BUT I aint going to deceive myself. One of 'em fucks her lover when her husband goes to work. Blames herself for getting married early. It started with I can test your microphone but I can't allow you sex me cause that would be cheating...Let's just say I don't have any special regard for marriage nowadays, weddings were mere dress rehearsal of a decision you've made before that date. And it changes nothing...the girls would only change their husbands name to "my husband" for the first few years.
I saw a girl I once regarded as "the most intelligent female I know" after [more or less] a year. She said if she had seen me in January she would have shot me. Fact is sh!t happened...back in school [final year] some pussies attempted some Gossip Girl sh!t, dissing people on Facebook. There were two usernames used, one was the name of the course adviser while the other had a cool name [I must admit] Parrot King. And the girl happened to be one of those attacked...for obvious reasons I had to be suspected for being at least one of 'em because I was that guy you could expect anything from. Fact is I don't do any sh!t I can't take credit for and didn't trash the girl. She obviously believed I was the guy. Now I'm in a position where I can say who was responsible and I aint saying sh!t...thanks for pointing fingers at me BUT if you insist, the last name was YOU while the first name was FUCK.
In the last 365 days I found out my worst enemy is a relative...I know a lot of haters would be disappointed I aint giving them this award [better luck hating next year]. Fact is I pride myself as one of the easiest person to relate with but some people are not just cool with that. I can't even count the number of times I've heard "I'll crack your skull" for practically doing nothing. This hater would find fault in anything, even when I said "I'm not talking to you"...I guess that's life, even if you aint looking for trouble, trouble would look for you. From that experience I learnt a new definition of what family meant. If home is where the heart are those that live in your home, your heart. Looking at it from that perspective you'll realise friends were more family to us than blood.
I realised my personal life is messed up and I don't love anyone...I suffer from lack of "object permanence" when attempting to build a relationship- out of sight was definitely out of mind. For the first time I consciously attempted to build a relationship & make it work BUT I don't trust these bitches, I, I, I don't trust these bitches. You know, Trust Issues.
I was hoping to be [at least] a millionaire [in $] by this year...I'm guessing it didn't come because I had revenge on my mind. Maybe because I wanted to f@*k some people up sooooooo bad they would need 9 months of anti-hating care to be delivered. Now I just don't give a f@*k about those peeps....I must have been so hard to watch, what a year for you niggas.
I wished I had beautiful tales to tell about these last 365 days...I had my laughs no doubt but the lows were there...some lows were lower than others and that created a false perception of an high. The next 365 days I have no idea of what to expect but if I'm alive to write then it's all good.
Happy Birthday to I'll go ahead and delete those comments on my Facebook wall...those "HB LLNP Dearie/Honey/Baby/Sweetheart", "Where the party at?" know, all those unoriginal, creativity deprived birthday wishes.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Benefit of Benefit of the Doubt

Have you heard the story of a woman that did one last shopping before boarding a plane? She decided to buy chocolates for her kids back home which she put in a small bag. Half way during the flight she had to use the bathroom and dropped the bag of chocolates on her seat. She returned to see a father and his daughter that occupied the seat beside her feeding off a bag of chocolates. She was dumbfounded especially when the girl looked up at her and smiled. All the woman could say was "I can't believe you are doing this, it is rude." Instead of missing out on the treat entirely she joined them. The daughter increased the speed which she used in unwrapping the chocolate bars and the woman did the same. She didn't chill to finish chewing a bar before putting another one in her mouth. Afterall, it was her money used in purchasing it and she wanted to eat as much as possible. The man had a disapproving look on his face but she didn't care. After they emptied the bag she sat comfortably in her seat and spotted her own bag of chocolates. She looked at the father and daughter without an idea of how to explain her actions.
Virtually everyone have been in situations where they jump to conclusions early. They make decisions based on gut feelings, decisions which in most cases might come with repercussions unlike the instance described above. I am referring to those where someone is accused for an action they didn't commit but we were conviced they were the culprit and we proceed to taking actions. Such accusations might lead to death of the cordial relationships between the accused and the accuser.
I remember back in school when I had a roommate who was notorious for "borrowing" stuffs without permission. His hands itched like he had chlorophyll on 'em, so by the time one of my items was missing he was the prime suspect. I had to use my discretion...I accused him and as expected he denied. That wasn't the first time he would deny an act he carried out...all you needed was force and he would begin to sing like a tweety bird. All the effort put in to make him say what I expected him to say was wasted when I found what I accused him of stealing. I had to swallow my pride and apologise and THAT is what most people find difficult to do in such situation.
I'll give you a technique you could use to make that easy no matter how much you accused the person/dent the image. When you accuse someone always give the person the benefit of the doubt but not enough for the person to use it as defence. Say stuffs like, "if you aren't the one...I'm sorry, I really am. But I have a gut feeling you are the one and I know if you were in my shoes you would do the same" then you can go ahead and slap the person silly but keep saying the same thing. Let the person know you aren't doing it out of hate but dissapointment [even if it was a lie]. Apologising shouldn't be difficult if the accused wasn't the culprit...then again, you've even appologised.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Appendix Friends

I have lots of useless people in my appendix useless, just there with no useful function. Like your appendix the only thing they cause is pain and by then you have no choice but to cut them off. I call them Appendix Friends...and everybody have one, two, three, damn! Like malaria they keep coming back, and stronger. They are always there when you take that decision you now regret and they attempt to reorganise your L.I.F.E, twist the "F" and "L" for them to read you easily like a FILE. Some date them and say all those romantic bullshit to 'em. Those are the Appendix boyfriend/ girlfriend...useless as an airconditioner on a bicycle. Like books, these appendix friends deserve to be in the back, yeah....where appendix was meant to be, way after the important stuffs that have meanings.

Too bad most of my appendix friends were females...I have 99 problems and they all bitches...and good for 'em that they all know it. Imagine, don't imagine because I lived it. A girl know you are interested in her and after talking your blah! Blah! Blah! Sh!t She asks you for your friend's number. A guy she happened to meet once and had no interest in her. This guy never mentioned her and as his friend I would have known but he NEVER decleared 1% interest. I gave her the number...least she would get fucked. Then she twists it and claims I'm acting somehow...bitch please?

I witnessed appendix friends at its best when a company retrenched some of her workers...these appendix friends were willing to save their asses and acted shocked and sympathetic when their supposed friend told 'em they were fired. Life is bullshit no doubt but these appendix friends bring it close to your face to make the stench be a constant reminder.

I wish I could tell you to pray against appendix friends and it would all be OK buy Jesus Christ had an appendix friend, Judas...and see how he ended up.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Survival of the Fittest...Fitting into the Crowd

I was walking down a street and I heard a sermon about "Survival of the fittest". About how Charles Darwin had suggested in his theory of evolution we should get rid of the ugly/fat/weak/smelly/dumb people to increase the chances of giving birth to "better" species. Probably in years to come the ugliest/least desirable humans would look like Denzel, Brad Pitt, and Beyonce with the intelligence of Stephen Hawking. Those weren't the specific words but that was the basic idea. They simply criticised the Law of Natural Selection Charles Darwin proposed from a religious angle.
I thought about theory, getting rid of the least desirable humans should have its benefit BUT who determines who is not desirable? Who decides on who was ugly and shouldn't be allowed to have an offspring since he/she's genes contains "ugliness". The most important question I asked myself was "Did Charles Darwin propose that?"
In the song "Diallo" by Wyclef Jean he sang, "Survival of the fittest, only the strong will survive..." I have to make it clear at this point Darwin didn't coin the phrase, "survival of the fittest". It was Herbert Spencer. Others who related this phrase to the work of Darwin got it twisted. Some even reference Darwin on the Nazi's extermination of the Jews. He said "law of natural selection" not "law of discriminatory selection". The survival of the fittest in his context where those who best adapt to their environment.
Adaptation is very important...if you fail to, you get weeded out by the laws of natural selection. Take for instance you lived in an area close to a would have a better chance of survival if you could swim. When you bring that idea in a social context you would realise following the crowd might be the best way to fit in and survive. After all, what people say you are isn't who you really are. Take music for instance, sometimes a musician might have sing the kind of song he doesn't like to have a hit. Especially if the kind of song was what was reigning. I know a group of people might not be comfortable with "following the crowd" but majority indeed carries the vote. They determine trends and you just have to learn to fit in and when the majority decides to change to another trend you follow.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Sack Letter...Original Collected By Me

There were times I wished my posts were Super Story and not experiences that involved people's lives. Those were the ones that didn't make me smile...the ones that evoke emotions that all I could say was, "Well, such is life."
Anyway....some us of grew up believing we had special powers. As kids, our minds...imagination, had no limit. I believed I had the special ability of premonition...that sensation absent of any stimulus of something unpleasant was about to go down [the details would be for another post].
I was on my way home from work and had this sensation the building where I worked would be on fire. For some reasons [unknown] I believed it. But the thing about premonition was that there was little to nothing you could do to change it from happening. I got to work the next day and saw the unusual appearance of police-men in the compound. My thoughts went wild, did someone attempt to burn the know, stuffs like that. Stepping in, the only thing unusual was the dull clouded the atmosphere. Minutes later I realised massive retrenchment was taking place. It was then I realised what the premonition of "fire" in my building meant. It definitely set people's hearts ablaze and no one had an idea who would stay and who would go. The GM locked himself in the board room alone and refused to see anyone. If anyone attempt such...well, police-men were on duty for the day.
The first staff that got his letter was a man I admired. He loved his work, he was so passionate about it that he gave me a speech about it once. The importance of placing love of work over money. He walked into the Admin department with pending documents and told the admin officer that he should contact him whenever his replacement needed assistance. He was the first I saw sign on the acknowledge copy of his sack letter, "Original copy collected by me on Friday, 9th of December 2011." It felt like cementing the date in your heart and literally using one's hands to accept rejection.
The next set of people that got their letters made up a department. From the HOD to the secretaries, they all got the boot. The HOD wasn't around to personally receive her letter. The other person that didn't turn up switched off his phone [as if that would change any thing]. Things became quiet for a while to the point we thought the dust had settled then the GM summoned the admin manager and demanded more people were to leave. One of the staffs that had been sympathising with the ones that got their letters earlier had to be one of the ones consoled this time. At this point the tension increased. For the first time I saw some of the staffs use the toilet...the rate of toilet use was so high that for the first time the floors were dirty. As in, they had to release the tension. People that never used the office toilet to piss used it that day to sh!t.
The fact that no one saw it coming [that's my opinion] put people in the position to rationalise and I began to hear gists of happenings I had no idea was going down. Like 2 months ago a staff decided to retire...just like that. It was unexpected [that was my own opinion]. I heard [no be talk am] the reason a staff was given the letter was because he used to have sex with her. Both of them had their respective spouse, kids...everything to constitute a family but that didn't stop them from having extra-marital affairs. The "couple" were caught serveral times and the woman decided to retire, hoping her action would prevent the termination of their appointments and continuation of their sex romp. Her husband found out and pleaded with the management to get rid of the guy...and now, he had his sack letter.
There weren't the only ones involved in office romance that got letters. I had no idea one was married with kids until that day...damn! She was endowed and the guy that was fucking her? I couldn't blame him. I wrote about this guy once on "How To Annoy Your Boss". He was the one reading how to online. I can't believe I didn't think of that "sleep with a co-worker that your Boss [might] admire". Guess he finally got what wanted.
One lady got a letter and she had to be the biggest shock [to me], luckily, hers was one of promotion to fill up a managerial position. I was happy for her.
I learnt so many things on that day, and one of them was a fact of life- expect the unexpected. As I saw some of the [ex] staffs clear their tables [ASAP] I noticed none had planned on doing so anytime soon [if at all]. Their workplace had been their second home. Take for instance a receptionist that sold top-up/recharge care/credit card [depending on your country]. She had debtors in the office and virtually all her debtors were given the boot including herself. She was on her way out when then phone on her rang and for a moment she paused...then walked out. Virtually all of them said "this is they key to MY office/desk/car" as they signed out.
As for me...I had to see ALL their faces as I recorded the company's *ID cards and other possession they dropped.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Beggar With A Swag

Those of you that live/work in Ikeja, close to Computer Villiage, might have seen this...this sophisticated Beggar [not even sure I should call him a beggar]. This dude is the Lasgidi version of the Naked Cowboy in New York. The dude is blind [at least that was his claim to beg] and wears coloured fashionable suits like the one in the picture. Unlike some low class Lagos beggars, he has a stool to sit, just in case he needs to rest his legs after a long day's work. The height of the stool makes it difficult to look down on/at him because he maintains close to the same height with when he was on his feet. He also has a stick to support his hand as he leaves his palm wide open for people to drop alms. This beggar with a swag doesn't have to pray for you. Sometimes he was busy gisting with his friends, like that guy shining a shoe behind him. That guy polish his shoes too. There was another guy in-charge of his pedicure but he was busy working elsewhere during this photo shoot.

I'm not trying to jack this guy's swagz but why on earth do people give him money. Obviously he isn't a millionaire [then again, maybe he was] but this guy looked comfortable. The best dressed Nigerian have got nothing on him. Did I mention I saw him with a phone once, he wasn't PINGING though. That might be because his hardworking friends, like the one polishing didn't have money to buy a Blackberry so he had no one to add to his BBM.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

WEMA Bank...Big, Strong, Re...oh! That's Union Bank

So few minutes ago I was in Wema Bank, I don't bank with them but had to deposit some amount into someone's account. I already had the perception the staff were old and slow and guess what...what?...I wasn't totally proved wrong. They were slow alright but not that old. By the way, I'm referring to the branch at Ikeja close to "under bridge". I stepped in and the first thing I noticed was the floor was littered with sweet wrappers. It looked like a playground. Apparently the bank left sweets in a bowl on the counter as part of "customer service" but forgot about waste bins to dispose the wrappers. So, trust dirty Nigerians...impatient to get rid of wastes.

I'm a kind of person that is happy when I'm in the presence of beautiful people. And by that I meant people that wear the most beautiful outfit called a SMILE. These guys were too damn moody plus they had two pregnant staffs who made sure the environment was gloomy. One "good" thing I noticed was the equality amongst the staffs...It was difficult to distinguish a cashier from a cleaner especially the females. Their hair was unkempt and EVERYONE [except one] used a rubber band as a hair ribbon. Wema bank operates what they call regional banking so they don't exist in the Northern & Eastern Nigeria...only here in the west. I'm guessing that was the criteria for recruiting because Yoruba was the language of communication. Everything about the bank felt wrong...I have this feeling it extended to their customers.

A lot of them were they had to save the world. Even Jack Bauer had 24 hours to save the world but a minute to these guys was like a year. One woman had an issue with accessing her account. She was asked to provide any form of identification which she gave. The customer care representative asked her name and she said, "Iya Toyin". She said she needed her full name + surname. She said Iya Toyin Adebanjo. The rep was confused...she confirmed her surname as Adebanjo. The name she gave didn't match the one with the account so the rep asked if she opened the account before she got married and she replied, "Yes". She requested for her maiden name but the customer had no idea what "maiden name" meant. So she explained that would be the name she was called before she got married. She replied, "Bisi". By the way the customer care rep was pregnant and didn't find it a bit funny. She told her to tell her her father's name and guess what she said...Baba Bisi. The rep got tired of the guessing game and told her the name on the account and made it clear the name didn't match the one on her identification card. She responded by saying the surname on the account was that of her first husband and the rep never asked the name she used to open the account, true. The man beside me kept dissing the bank on their the time he got to the cashier he was told he didn't write the account name on the withdrawal slip. He blamed the bank slip's design for not noticing that. In the end he was asked, "Are you expecting money in this account?" Meaning " no get bar for your account". The guy stammered a bit and was directed to the floor manager.

As much as I might have dissed Wema bank that wasn't my intention. Just unfortunate my first experience in a branch outside the University of Lagos was...but damn, the bank sucks.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I'm a Marriage Virgin

I was commenting on a blog [] the post was about waiting to have sex on your wedding know, stuffs that would interest/motivate virgins. That was when I realised doesn't matter if you were a virgin or not, aborted, of even gone platinum rounds with your sex life. The fact/truth was your wedding night would be the first time you would have sex with your wife/husband.

It reminds me of a saying, why try so hard to survive- you are never going to leave this world alive. The similarity I see is that you put so much effort to achieve something despite the fact that the outcome can't be changed. So now you know, but I don't expect you to agree with me. Even if I've gone all positions with my chic, our wedding night would be the first time I have sex/make love to her as my wife. So technically why should I save myself for a wife when I know we would be our firsts on the wedding night regardless. I'm a marriage virgin.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Police is [Not] Your Friend

I once told a guy we don't waste our time convincing anyone of the obvious, it won't even cross our mind. If you see a mother talking to two of her kids and tells one of them "make sure you clean your room" while the other received a smile. That was a giveaway that the one she smiled at had no problem with getting the room cleaned up. This is why I don't believe in the unofficial slogan of the Nigeria Police, "Police is your friend". As in, if it were true and Nigerians had no issue with the police there would be no need in trying to convince the public. A lot of them are corrupt because they are broke and exploit the position of power they were in. I'm sure every Nigerian would have their tale of how a policeman messed up their day [or life].

Now imagine my shock/surprise this morning as I boarded a bus and by my side was a policeman with a book on his laps. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't surprised that a policeman could actually read BUT the book was titled "Human Rights" by Israel John. I used to think policemen didn't know jack about human rights...I mean, the word didn't exist to them. I kept staring until he became uncomfortable and put the book in a bag. In my mind I was thinking this was a new dawn in the Nigeria Police...reading about human rights.

On my way home this night I noticed a crowd gathered with everyone shouting. Initially I thought someone passed away but as I got closer a friend told me a policeman came to arrest a guy in my area. He pointed at a car surrounded by a mob where the policeman sat in front with his gun in hand. The guy that was arrested occupied the back seat, in the middle of two other men. He added that it was a friend of the guy arrested that invited the policeman to settle a "dispute". The "dispute" was the most stupid I've heard. A friend arresting a friend for sleeping with his girlfriend. Initially the friend was ashamed to say it when the crowd demanded to know the crime his friend committed. He kept on saying it had nothing to do with money until he lost his cool and blurted what went down. Apparently the girl had been sleeping with his friend for the past 3 days. If he had even been there earlier he would have met his girlfriend "ridin' dirty". Before the guy got in the car he slapped the policeman because he took it as a joke. That angered people more, if the police were called during a robbery they would have taken their time like a diva preparing to go on a red carpet evert. Now they showed up armed to arrest a guy for enjoying himself. The girl also resides in my area....she was one of those girls that put smiles into the faces of lonely men. The chic was definitely not one to take home to your mama, short, take serious in a relationship. As the drama was taking place, the girl who was at home kept calling the guy by my side if the policeman had left. She was staying with her Uncle and didn't want the drama to be brought to his door step.
I can't even believe a policeman came armed and prepared just to arrest a man for sleeping with a girl. This so contracted what I so that morning.'s alright, Nigeria we hail thee.