Sunday, September 30, 2012

September 2012: What? Why? How?

This is the end of September 2012, what have you achieved so far this year? Anyway, before the clock ticks October here are questions I hope will be answered before the end of that month.

• Will Chelsea FC continue there good run in the English Premier League?

• What will be the outcome of this [induced] fuel scarcity?

• Why is it that I'm still single? #rhetoric

Let's hope Boko Haram do not put dark clouds over our independence celebration this year.

She still remains in my heart.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Thank You for Coming/ Consolation Prize

Growing up, and I'm referring from quite an early age, I was familiar with "thank you for coming" gifts. As a child, it was what you got when an older relative visit or when you were the visitor. It was usually money that was handed out. Some you say, "Have this for you and your siblings". That's when you contemplate if you should let them know, not to mention parents.

A friend of mine had a visitor from the United States, he had been there for over a decade and decided to return to Nigeria for good. As he was taking his leave, he decided to share his finacial blessing and gave my friend his siblings cash ranging from ₦150 to ₦200 all in ₦50 denomination. The issue with it was the youngest child in the house was in the university and this was a period the best ₦200 could do was 10 minutes call card. Maybe he assumed ₦50 had the same value as $50. One of 'em kindly place his 'donation' into an envelope and gave him before he left. The man received his own thank you for coming gift.

Things have changed now, I don't see anyone that could give me thanks for coming gift. Instead people demand especially girls. If you step into Stamford Bridge you would probably compare it to a hotel room. Apart from that being my taste: all you see is the bed and the only thing you could hold is a pillow. With time I learnt it had it's advantages...

When girls come over they love leaving with a thanks for coming gift or a consolation prize. I mean, a girl comes over for a match and she expects to leave with something synonymous with the match ball for her performance. The point is she doesn't want to leave empty handed. I didn't get that quite early, girls come over and I would offer magazines to read. They always end up 'borrowing' it never to return it. The same thing began to happen to my deodorant collection. Girls believe they earned one. They jokingly pick one and put it in their Sport Billy bag that had everything. That's why I loved it when I cleared everything, there was no souvenir a girl to take as a consolation prize. But I learnt that was only an assumption.

A chic came over and she wanted to leave with my sexy lamp. Should I begin to hide lamps now? Another asked for my key holder when there was nothing she could part with. A few of them open my wallet for anything they could find OR they asked if I had call credit to call someone and from the way the conversation would go, it becomes obvious they hadn't spoken in a while. All I hear is, "So you've forgotten me". The point is they just want to leave with something.

I'm starting to believe it was embedded in their DNA to take anything to make a guy 'lesser' than they came, even if it was only by ₦1.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Call Me Homophobic but F*ck This Gay

You know what, I consider myself as a liberal individual but that doesn't mean I should be fed bullshit and believe it was cake. I have no problem with gays, I don't give a f*ck how they f*ck. One thing I do know is it cannot be as sweet as sexing a chic. I learnt early in life if I had to force myself to enjoy something then it doesn't worth it.

Anyway, I realised there are two gay guys in my neighbourhood. I had no issue with entry at my exit so I don't give a damn. Lately, one of the guys had taken the expression of his sexuality to another level. He needs to get gay laid and had been hitting on guys in the area. The problem was these guys that he was after were kids, like below 16.

The guy was systematic with his approach. He would start by acting all friendly, asking these kids how their day was. Days after he request to be their friend till he eventually ask them over. A boy that made it into his room had a story to tell. He requested to see the colour of his underwear...that was when the boy signalled something was wrong. This gay went ahead to pick up a metal rod to threaten him, trust Nigerians (regardless the age). The boy raaaaaaan, like 82km/hr on a 50km/hr type of speed.

I understand trying to f*ck someone of the same sex but is it also imbedded in their DNA to f*ck underaged. If I should attempt to get down on an underaged...I won't even try it because it isn't right.
The gist is some guys want to beat him up...might be fun to watch a gay guy get fucked up than f*ck.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Embrace Your Stereotype OR Embrace Insults

My favourite line from the movie 21 Jump Street was "embrace your stereotype". We are all predisposed to certain generalizations based on how we are [subjectively] grouped: either by race or how we look. The categories people use to group us was more than the two and varies depending on the individual. Some perceive stereotyping as negative, for example, why should you assume an individual smokes marijuana all because he was Jamaican.

I am of the opinion of embracing [not accepting] our stereotype. So what if someone expect you to act/talk certain way because of where you are from, it should only become an issue if you take the road of self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've noticed a lot of jokes and insults were based on stereotype. For instance, you could diss a black man of acting like a monkey. If you phrase the statement in a funny tone it could be perceived as a joke, in another context it might be regarded as an insult. If the black man involved embrace such stereotype, I don't see any of the statements getting to him. He would be most likely not cool with it but not to the extent of getting physical and blowing the issue to a wider proportion.

The same goes for fat people, it was best to embrace stereotypes of people their size otherwise a lot of things people say would get to them.

Personally, I joke a lot using stereotypes. It might be insensitive…ok, it is insensitive BUT it wasn't out of hatred. I remember a guy with an amputated arm back in school. One day, the guy was getting on my nerves, I looked at him, smiled, and said one word, "clap". That wiped the smile off his face. If he was cool with his one arm, I sure he would have had a wonderful comeback line to make me look stupid.
The same goes for gays and lesbians. Not every joke about your sexuality should be interpreted as an attack on your sexuality, it does not make the speaker homophobic. I mean, you don't have to sue everyone that calls you faggot, after all you want to be seen as normal…welcome to the club. Just the way rappers conveniently call women bitches, you have to get use to it. Everyone knows gays suck cock so why feel offended when called a cocksucker. You do not see a straight guy getting angry for being described as fucking/eating pussy.

Ashley Cole once said his former manager, Jose Mourinho, told him after a match he played like Mickey Mouse. That simile made no sense, I don't have an idea how Mickey Mouse play football. I am certain if he had said he played like a monkey it would have been seen as a racist comment, because Ashley Cole was black, despite that simile also made no sense. Unless you know how monkeys play football. People should just embrace their stereotypes- celebrities, footballers…everyone should just take a chill pill. Embrace your stereotype or embrace insults.

Now comment…

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

4000 Words' Essays for an Interview

When I thought school was over, I receive an assignment to be completed in 24 hours for a job interview.

Their demands are beginning to get to me. First, series of interviews were conducted at odd hours now I got essay questions with a total of 4000 words required. I could just write "Because I need the Job" enough times to make up the required number of words.

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Interview

I was called for a job interview by a financial institution a.k.a bank after I passed their recruitment test. I am not a big fan of the industry, and it was out of respect I sat for the recruitment test. A woman had given me her business card to take to the HQ and urged me to attempt the test. I had no idea who she was and I didn't want to appear rude to a stranger by turning down her offer. She said all I had to do was pass the test.

I got to the bank and was asked by the HR guy when I would like to write the test, I replied "Now". The HR guy told me I could take time to prepare but how do people prepare for things like that? That would be my first test and I wanted to get it over with. I kept smiling as I attempted the questions because I had no idea how any individual was expected to pass. The questions looked ambiguous, I later learnt it was GMAT. They looked like they were missing instructions and I based my answers on guesses. You see sh!t like "Car is to road, as Spoon is to _____" The options could be Tongue, Plate, Pot...

Anyway, weeks later a text came in that I passed and scheduled to appear for an interview at 5pm. Who conducts interview in the evening?

We were 12 present for the interview and I noticed the chic by my side was reading about the Bank on her website. I figured out that might be a potential question, "Tell us about what you know about the bank?" But I was not in the mood to start such research, I would freestyle.

I stepped in to a panel composed of a guy and a sexy woman. That was enough motivation. "Tell us about you?"

"My name is Ade…I am very interesting".

"We will see how interesting you are by the end of the day."

What these guys might not have noted was I attended University of Lagos, Department of Psychology, with the likes of Dr. Akinfala. Presentation and public speaking was his preferred mode of teaching and you had to be interesting.

The chic read my CV and asked, "You wrote here you like reading, tell us the last book you read?"

The fact is I don't read books…often but I couldn't say that. The last book I flipped through was 50 Shades of Grey and I definitely could not say that. I told them,
"The fact is I read, but I'm a realist and I don't deal with fiction. I read blogs, journals, newspapers and not some events that occurred in an alternate reality. The last material I read was Forbes Africa…"

"So you want to be the next richest man in the world?"

"But at what expense. Most of these Billionaires are obsessed with making that extra Dollar…I read between the lines to balance both work and family life. The richest man to me would be one that was satisfied financially and had time for his family. If that is what you mean, then I would love to be the richest man in the world."

I was asked what I knew about the bank...
"Let's' start with today, I learnt from Bloomberg this morning this institution made…and as 10:30 am the share price was…" The interviewer and I both said what the share price was together.
That was the moment I knew this was it. I didn't have to tell them any history about the bank.

"Tell us about Nigeria?" he asked.

"Well, Nigeria is a very complicated country…" I gave them my theory of "Observed Nigeria, Expected Nigeria". To be successful in Nigeria, an individual should attempt to bridge what Nigerians expect with what they observed. The guy told me that was what the bank was about. He continued by giving me info about her achievement.

The next question was why did I apply to the bank and I was better off in a consulting firm or as a public speaker.

"Public speaking is a wonderful idea and I've thought of doing that but like I said I am a realist. I have bills to pay and expenses to settle and I would need a source of constant stream of income while I do that by the side, because the truth is not everyone can become like the brand Fela Durotoye overnight".

"So you believe in dreams?"

"I believe in making them reality".

From that moment is was more of a conversation than an interview but I just wanted to go home. The last question was related to what I dreaded about that industry, what if you were given a ₦10,000,000 target before you could be given your appointment letter.

"Wow!" I quoted a line I heard in the movie 'Silence of the Lambs'. "What do we covet? We covet the things around us. I will start with the people around me, obviously there are people that would say 'No!' but I believe everyone is a bridge and not an island. Any 'No' response must be supported with a referral. That person must bridge me to someone else, and that is a way to get things done. My point is I would put in effort".


I walked out with the belief this banking industry wasn't for me. Nothing I saw convinced me to stay and I would not feel bad if I ended up not called back.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

If You Don't Want to F*ck Me, Please F*ck Off

I know the title might be offensive to some, that's why I included "please".

The thing is, I've noticed my female friends were stronger cock blockers than male friends. I remember back in school, there were certain guys I avoided letting them know about girls I was interested in dating. I would ignorantly provide info about the babe while they responded with opinions, detailing the best way for me to get the chic. I would think they had my interest, you know, "F*ck her for me" moment. One of such guys ended up fucking the chic I told him about. He made it appear it wasn't his fault, like it just happened. But the truth was he exploited the profiling I had provided to create a persona to suit her desired man.

I made a rule, no guy knows about a chic I was on to, girlfriend or not until after I fucked her. If you f*ck her after, I would blame her for fucking my friend. If not, she would claim since we didn't have sex there was nothing serious between us. A girl said that once and my response was "bullshit". She said we should allow sex define the relationship and later disregarded what we had as one because we didn't f*ck.

I mentioned females were the stronger cock blockers. If a guy did such it was understandable, all guys would f*ck anything even relatives if norms permitted. But why should a female do the same. I have females friends who clearly made their intention known and clear that they were not interested in dating me. Yet, these set of females are fond of cock blocking.

There was this particular chic who made habit of coming over when I had a match. I mean, you no wan f*ck but why f*ck up my runs. She made up an excuse once her roommate locked her outside and had no where to go. Why my place? She would chill with us in my room and I usually end the day with dry balls.

Such happened to a friend of mine, he would visit his girlfriend in the one room she shared with her friend. She was a very stubborn girl who refused to excuse them to nack. It got to an extent they decided to f*ck with her present in the room. She stormed out halfway...too bad.

But why? A girl went to the level of telling her friend, I was toasting, to distance herself from me. Yet, she ignored the warning she gave her friend and came over to my place anyhow, like we were dating. We weren't even fucking.

Some take a milder, yet effective approach. Girls be asking about my girlfriend, with keen interest in who I was dating. In the end, they hardly have something positive to say about the girl who agreed to date me. One implied I could do better.

I've noticed female cock blockers were single or in a horrible relationship. They just want to spread the hate. Female cock blockers should just park well. If you won't f*ck me, please f*ck off.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Nigerian Celebrities and Fake Twitter Followers

I once had less than 50 followers for years on twitter (@adebsrk) and I wasn't bothered. I was more interested in those I followed because my twitter account was primary for receiving information; access to breaking news, headlines, and a few friends. I read a headline about an application by Status People, a British start-up company, devised to identify fake Twitter accounts or bots. These bots were accounts created for marketing purpose. There are websites you could pay less than $20 and have 5000 of these bots/fake accounts at your disposal. Celebrities or whoever needed to boost the number of their followers could use it as a means to have large number of Twitter followers. StatusPeople's app makes it possible to search Twitter accounts to know how many of their followers were Fake, Inactive users, and Good. In other words, separating the bots from the ones opened by you and me. For example, Obama might have 19 million followers on Twitter, but 70%, or approximately 13 million of them are fake or "inactive". According to the application, Kim Kardashian had the most [real] followers on Twitter and not Lady Gaga who had a significant percentage of bots.

The face value of having 100,000 followers might do a lot to the self-esteem of certain people on Twitter and you might envy them, but it reduces drastically if you realise only 100 of the followers were accounts of real people. I read a statement online about most celebrities not being aware how they go that many followers overnight and it was the job of their PR. Most of them believed the number of "followers" was important for star power. I won't deny once believing an individual with >10,000 followers was really social and would have loved to use them promote stuffs.

NOTE: Number of Twitter followers was recorded in the early hours of Sunday 2nd of September, 2012.

For instance, Don Jazzy (@DONJAZZY) is believed to be huge on Twitter because of his 402,171 followers. His faker scores showed he had only 52,282 followers. 349,889 of his followers were fake or inactive accounts. I doubted it at first until I decided to check out his followers as well as other top Nigerian celebrities.
I noticed bot accounts quite easy. The Twitter handle have unusual names, no avi, opened recently, no tweet, no follower, and following only celebrities. One of them was @amgelogis, tweeting since 2nd of September [time of writing] and already following 2Face, Ice Price, MI, elDee, to name a few. Imagine, in 2 hours I saw eLDee's followers (@elDeeTheDon) rise from 204,645 to 205,417. That was an increase of 772 [fake] followers.

I decided to make my list of Celebrities with most followers without including fake accounts and see how popular they really are. @elDeeTheDon's over 200,000 would have placed him in the top 10 of celebrities with most Twitter followers, but most of them were fake/inactive. He had only 24,645 active users and did not make the top 20. @PastorChrisLive 1,083,421 followers fell to 390,031 followers However, he still maintained the top spot as the handle with the most followers. @Wizkidayo 34% of his 333,472 followers were actually real but still came second. Linda Ikeji (@LindaIkeji) is the celebrity with the highest percentage of active followers, 61%, and still made the top 20. It was only Linda Ikeji, Davido, and Skales that had over 50% of active followers. I was disappointed because I expected Vic-O to be the one buying followers. He had only 135 followers and 67% of them were real. That guy now has my respect but that doesn't mean I will listen to his songs...just respect.
For the fun of it I checked out few of the people that flood my timeline, Omojuwa & Tolu Ogunlesi. 56% of @omojuwa's 36,367 followers were active while 65% of @ToluOgunlesi 21,814 followers were active.
I checked my faker score, out of my 51 followers 80% were active.

StatusPeople notes that their results are inexact, as their algorithm samples a portion of a Tweeter's followers and then extrapolates relative percentages across the entire data sample. In addition, pioneer Tweeters with longstanding Twitter accounts are more apt to have a higher percentage of inactive users. However, given that all of these are mature Twitter accounts, it is safe to assume that the results are accurate/inaccurate on a relative basis.

Saturday, September 1, 2012