Friday, August 31, 2012
The highlight of August 2012 was a low, dark period in my life. Heaven embraced one of her angels here on earth. Fiyin, I'm still not over the grief of your death...
• What is the point of you gone?
• Why You?
• How will I ever forget you?
Once again Rest In Peace. I know you have a lot to do where you are but please, watch over me.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Now, you should have an idea why I called this girl Pavlov's Daughter. She told me about her relationship and the problems they faced. My opinion of their relationship was they weren't meant to be a couple but that wasn't what interested me though. It was how she had involved various levels of conditioning to sustain it. The most interesting part was she had no idea of what she was doing... unconsciously applying the levels of conditioning.
She told me about the boyfriend. She really liked him and won't mind being his Mrs. but Pavlov's Daughter had a clause in their relationship contract, there would be no pre-marital sex. She wasn't a virgin though. She believed men were motivated by sex and didn't want it to determine her relationship. So Pavlov's Daughter's boyfriend was going to have dry balls.
Anyway, after more than a year of dating they had sex.
"Finally!" the guy must have thought, "I have endured to the point where we can now have sex on a regular". But he was so wrong. Pavlov's Daughter made him realise it was a one time thing and it won't happen anytime soon OR ever again. In about six months time it happened again and he must have known her decisions were reversible but the next time was totally unpredictable.
When she told me that part of the relationship, I was confident the boyfriend was cheating. She felt otherwise, she knew her man. I had a couple of reasons...
First reason was the obvious fact; love cannot prevent a guy deprived of sex from cheating. Sex was a biological need. Especially a guy who had been sexually and active closing in on his 30s. Sex isn't a big deal to him and it shouldn't be to her. She wasn't a virgin, he didn't disvirgin her, yet she was playing the card of no sex in the relationship but would allow if she felt like it. It was an insult to any man...playing with his manhood.
Second, you do not apply a varied reinforcement schedule on basic human needs, I'll explain.
Reinforcement is a term associated with [operant] conditioning, but I won't bore you with that. In simple terms, it means anything that would affect the likelihood of something happening again. For example, if a girl is given money for helping any old lady cross the road. That money was the reinforcement that would make her want to do it again. If the girl was given money every [specific] time she helped an old lady cross the road, that was known as fixed reinforcement schedule. If the girl had no idea how many times she had to help an old lady cross the road before she got paid, that was a varied reinforcement schedule.
I argue you don't apply a varied reinforcement schedule on basic human requirement like food, using the bathroom, sleep...and sex. Take using the bathroom for instance. Imagine a guy had to press a bottom attached to the bathroom door five times before it opened [fixed]. He would walk to the door everytime because he knew what to do to have access. Now imagine he had no idea the number of times he had to press the button before the door opened [varied]. Everytime he urgently needed to use the bathroom, he would most likely avoid that one. He would likely give himself a target which would depend on his level of patience/urgency. He could press it every five times and if failed to open move on to another one.
Now, apply that to Pavlov's Daughter sex life. The boyfriend had no idea of what/when/how to make the girlfriend want to have sex with him. It would have been better if he wasn't getting any or he had an idea of what to do to earn some. He could only try and get himself turned on while at it. He would have to keep himself satisfied elsewhere pending she opens up.
After an unexpected round of sex, she was surprised his eye wasn't on her body as she stood naked. She mentioned there was a time he couldn't take his eyes off her body underneath her clothes but he had lost interest. I explained such is life, no boy is equally excited unwrapping the same present twice. We weren't on the same page, she expressed her fear that they weren't even married and his eyes were bored of her naked body. Truth was she had better find something else that doesn't age/sag that would glue his eyes. Until couples find that something else in their relationship they are not permitted to use the word 'love'. His action, however, was a prelude to a fight... that led to the next situation.
Pavlov's Daughter said they had been fighting a lot and over 'little things' they previously overlooked. Such fights would lead to a silent treatment with him making efforts to get on her good side and their relationship back on track. He would remind her of the reason she dated him in the first place; all those attention, pampering, that made "I love you" more than words. His effort was short-lived after being forgiven as he returned to his 'normal' self. Days later he would end up doing something stupid and the cycle begins all over. She never understood why it happened.
I explained to Pavlov's Daughter the reason they fought was that she [unconsciously] wanted it. There is a saying "the best thing about breakups is the makeup sex". What if a girl loved makeup sex, which could only be achieved by breaking up. She would find herself breaking up over trivial issues because of what came next.
Naturally, Pavlov's Daughter was a hopeless romantic and her demand from a boyfriend was more of his time than money. After their first fight and he went all romantic on her, she figured out that was one way she would see that romantic side of him. Whenever she craved for that attention, she gives him a wakeup call by encouraging a fight because of what came next which she loved. She fought/threaten to end the relationship while anticipating his apology and pampering. Any fight they had had been conditioned with pampering. That led to two issues that would break the relationship in the long run.
The first issue was they end up fighting a lot and it would only get bigger.
Another was the boyfriend [unconsciously] knew what to do to get her back and that was the most important secret best not to reveal in a relationship. Once your partner was aware of that, they could treat you anyway they liked because they knew how to make up. The worst part was they would never be tormented by the fear of losing you and could treat you however they liked.
What the boyfriend had in mind was totally different from hers. Anytime they fought, either he messed up or her, he had it at the back of his mind what he had to do to make her smiling again. His pampering that followed a fight had been conditioned with making up and proven on a fixed reinforcement schedule.
My opinion/advice was to have a fixed reinforcement schedule for sex but vary what he had to do to get on your good side after a fight. Probably have sex with him every week he treats you well and if he likes you he would make a habit of it. Always surprise him with what gets your attention after a fight, if he likes you he would avoid it in order not to lose you and never have you back.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
This song pointed out that I should consider what I had to offer in a relationship before making any demands..
I regard the song as one of the most beautiful songs & a soundtrack to my life.
Sometimes you know you push me so hard I don't know how I feel
You almost make me doubt I feel at all
It's not as though I always listen but there's just so much I don't hear
Maybe I'll never be what you want
I know that all you're asking for is a little place in my heart
But I don't find it easy to give
Maybe I get a little selfish sometimes
Why shouldn't I?
I used to say I love you but would it make a difference this time?
And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down?
That no-one else could love you half as much as I do now
And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall?
Well I, I wouldn't be myself at all
I wouldn't be myself at all, at all.
I always find a reason why I didn't put you first
It's not that complicated, I know
I really hate it when you shake your head like this ain't gonna work
Maybe you'll never reap what you sow
I didn't want to do what everybody does
And hide the truth to find we never knew a thing about love
'Cos this is real life, real love
And knowing what it comes down to
It just might be enough
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Raising the money might be fast but it wasn't easy. As expected there were people who regarded the campaign as a scam and probably the biggest social media con in Nigeria. They believed it was an exploitation of people's gullible nature of what they read on social networks. People were more likely to believe what was seen repeatedly on social media without verifying it, and the [un]fortunate part was it spreads fast.
For instance, someone sent a broadcast to me about the #SaveFunmi campaign and the first line read "Help my friend Funmi…"
It was only natural for me to ask, "Do you actually know the gitl?"
The response was, "No, someone that knew the girl sent it to me."
"Are you sure the person knows the girl?"
The response was, "Of course now, why would she send it if she didn't know the girl?"
"Well, you did."
Imagine I did not verify it and decided to pass it along. Imagine I assumed that my friend knew her and used that as a reference to defend the campaign. My credibility increases the credibility of the campaign/con. People usually include on their Twitter bio "ReTweets are not Endorsements" but it was, always. You shouldn't expect to say something and not want people to assume you stand for it. It was better off not to write at all. Twitter might be 140 characters yet people find it difficult to pay attention to every single word.
I am not interested if the campaign was fact/scam but I have to applaud the organizers, they reached their goal. This campaign also revealed to me a fear I have of the growth of social media in Nigeria. Nigerians [on average] are too lazy to verify any information. Once they read any news/information their first action was to pass it on to their friends.
Monday, August 20, 2012
"This Ramadan I woke up expecting nothing more than an update of death toll in Syria: huff.to/QjAGwm"
My 2012 Eid Mubarak celebration was like any other day. I was born into a Muslim family, living in Nigeria, and had observed fasting in the month of Ramadan since I could remember. This year was different because I did not fast. The excitement that usually preceded the period was missing this year and I had no motivation to fast. I felt I was losing my religion, maybe because it made me unhappy.
My Imam once told me Islam is the religion of peace. A retrospect of the last 24 months proved otherwise. The political unrests in Muslim states totally contradict that. Hollywood movies contradict that. News contradicts that. I watched on Bloomberg TV a Hindu talk about his community. He made a statement about how they [Hindu] were tolerant and lived in peace with Muslims in their community. If this was the religion of peace, should Muslims keep putting in effort to prove that point? Why can't everyone that claimed to fight for the cause of Islam put down his or her guns? Why was it breaking news Bashar al-Assad, Syrian president, attended prayers at a Damascus mosque to mark the start of Muslim holiday of Eid?
Ramadan 2012 was a period I woke up expecting nothing, probably an update of the death toll in Syria. That was why I woke up on the day of Eid Mubarak and what I looked forward to was the English Premier League. What put a smile on my face was Chelsea FC win because that was the only place I witnessed peace amidst differences. Not among my Muslim brothers, but on the football pitch.
Friday, August 17, 2012
There is a theory I propounded to explain the major criteria women use when selecting who to date and have a relationship with. I asked single women from their early-twenties the most important criteria they used in deciding who to have a relationship with and I got answers that included spirituality, good looks, responsibility, caring. The next question I asked was if they would love to get married someday, and they replied affirmative. Their response was followed by another question, “Will you date a very spiritual/good-looking/responsible/caring guy if there was no possibility of him settling down [for marriage]?” The significant of their answers was “NO”. One interesting response was, “Then he must be sick! No one would date him”. My final question was, "will you agree the marriage potential was more important than the criteria you mentioned earlier?" The response was an outstanding "Yes!".
My theory, Theory of Wedding Potential, would explain the [real] criteria women unconsciously use to decide who to date. That criterion was the wedding potential they perceived with the man. In general, Theory of Wedding Potential says:
• Marriage plays an important role from the start of a relationship
• The potential of marriage was the most important criteria females use to decide with who to have a relationship.
• The perception of wedding potential varies according to factors and assumptions made by the female [which would be explained later in the article]
• The higher the wedding potential a woman perceive in a man, the more she finds herself attracted to him.
• Acceptance of wedding potential precedes acceptance of personal qualities of the man the woman admired in him.
• The longer the wedding potential a woman perceive in a man, the less likely she would find herself in a relationship with him.
• Women are not always accurate in their assessment of Wedding Potential because it was purely subjective
The theory of Wedding Potential did not come up by asking the questions I stated in the first paragraph but by personal experiences, those of the people around me, and the media.
It all began with my personal experience. I have been in situations ladies I asked out tell me they liked me but couldn’t date me. It wasn’t a situation they lied in order not to make me feel bad for rejecting my offer. I believe they genuinely did. I ended up making up with few of them yet they insisted they could not have a relationship with me. I had sex with a girl with that mentality and as she was about to leave she said, “hope you remember we are not in a relationship”.
Their excuse was they had reached a point in their life they couldn’t date anyone for the fun of it. They wanted a relationship that would lead somewhere and I know that ‘somewhere’ was marriage. I found it confusing, yet hilarious. Here I was asking a girl to date me and she was already talking about marriage. My idea of dating someone was an opportunity to get to know each other and determine if we were compatible. These girls made it appear they knew where the relationship would lead before getting to know me. All my wonderful personal qualities did not matter because their decision wasn’t based on that but on what I have identified as wedding potential. All they did was subjectively assess me and determine if I had the potential to get married. I was a job seeking fresh undergraduate, no wonder they did not see any early wedding potential. As much as I attempted to sweet talk them, their response was “You are not yet ready”.
I have friends who had been in relationships I assumed would lead to a nuptial. The female breaks up and in less than few months she was married to a man she knew for less than a year. One of the women confessed to me she loved her ex more than her husband and the only ‘flaw’ she saw in her ex was he wasn’t ready to get married. She did love her husband though, just not as much as the ex. I asked, “did you marry your husband because you love him OR you loved him because he could be your husband OR you believe you loved him because he was your husband?” I learnt from that experience the power wedding potential had over feelings, even one as strong as love. Once a woman had perceived that wedding potential in a man she began to see desired qualities in him. This was contrary to what women believe: that they see what they desire before falling in love.
An older friend of mine received a phone call from his ex who left him years earlier for a more financially stable, older man. She called to catch up on old times. From their conversation, it became obvious she was still dating the guy, in fact engaged, but he recently left the country for an 18-month Masters programme. She was in her late twenties and perceived 18 months as a long time to wait before marriage. My friend now had a higher wedding potential, after all he was still in the country. I learnt women were willing to throw away years of relationship along with the potential of a wonderful future if marriage was not included.
Mila Kunis character in the movie ‘Ted’ showed the theory of wedding potential. On the fourth anniversary of her character’s relationship with the boyfriend she hoped he would propose. He didn’t, so she began to question his maturity and for a short period ended the relationship. But that’s a movie and that was why it had a happy ending.
Women have various subjective ways of assessing wedding potential. It could be based on factors including religion, race, age, tribe, family acceptance, social status, and educational qualifications. A woman might take any of the listed factors and use it in her assessment. She could believe a man from her own religious group, race, and social status had higher wedding potential than those that were not. A woman that perceives her family would not accept her to date a particular man might not see the wedding potential in that man and decide not to date him. If she even accepts to be in a relationship with him without their approval, he must have guaranteed her marriage.
Wedding Potential could also be based on assumptions. One of them was the assumption a financially stable man was more likely to get married than a man who was barely employed. Another was a relatively older man was more likely to get married than their peer. Like I said, these assumptions vary and it doesn’t matter what it was as long as there was a wedding potential.
The theory of wedding potential shows the importance marriage had been given in our society. Significant percentage of women had seen it as a must. Despite the increase in failed marriages, females put their happiness on the line. They ignore all the personal qualities they want from the man they were in a relationship with because of no wedding potential, they just want to be recognized as a Mrs. in the society. Maybe that was why marriages were failing on an increase. Women ignored all the personal qualities they want from want from the man they were in a relationship with because of no wedding potential.
The challenge now for women is how to know if they were not in a current relationship where wedding potential was not the major criteria for dating the man.