Friday, August 17, 2012

Theory of Wedding Potential

Theory of Wedding Potential by Adeshina ‘Tunde

There is a theory I propounded to explain the major criteria women use when selecting who to date and have a relationship with. I asked single women from their early-twenties the most important criteria they used in deciding who to have a relationship with and I got answers that included spirituality, good looks, responsibility, caring. The next question I asked was if they would love to get married someday, and they replied affirmative. Their response was followed by another question, “Will you date a very spiritual/good-looking/responsible/caring guy if there was no possibility of him settling down [for marriage]?” The significant of their answers was “NO”. One interesting response was, “Then he must be sick! No one would date him”. My final question was, "will you agree the marriage potential was more important than the criteria you mentioned earlier?" The response was an outstanding "Yes!".

My theory, Theory of Wedding Potential, would explain the [real] criteria women unconsciously use to decide who to date. That criterion was the wedding potential they perceived with the man. In general, Theory of Wedding Potential says:

• Marriage plays an important role from the start of a relationship

• The potential of marriage was the most important criteria females use to decide with who to have a relationship.

• The perception of wedding potential varies according to factors and assumptions made by the female [which would be explained later in the article]

• The higher the wedding potential a woman perceive in a man, the more she finds herself attracted to him.

• Acceptance of wedding potential precedes acceptance of personal qualities of the man the woman admired in him.

• The longer the wedding potential a woman perceive in a man, the less likely she would find herself in a relationship with him.

• Women are not always accurate in their assessment of Wedding Potential because it was purely subjective

The theory of Wedding Potential did not come up by asking the questions I stated in the first paragraph but by personal experiences, those of the people around me, and the media.
It all began with my personal experience. I have been in situations ladies I asked out tell me they liked me but couldn’t date me. It wasn’t a situation they lied in order not to make me feel bad for rejecting my offer. I believe they genuinely did. I ended up making up with few of them yet they insisted they could not have a relationship with me. I had sex with a girl with that mentality and as she was about to leave she said, “hope you remember we are not in a relationship”.

Their excuse was they had reached a point in their life they couldn’t date anyone for the fun of it. They wanted a relationship that would lead somewhere and I know that ‘somewhere’ was marriage. I found it confusing, yet hilarious. Here I was asking a girl to date me and she was already talking about marriage. My idea of dating someone was an opportunity to get to know each other and determine if we were compatible. These girls made it appear they knew where the relationship would lead before getting to know me. All my wonderful personal qualities did not matter because their decision wasn’t based on that but on what I have identified as wedding potential. All they did was subjectively assess me and determine if I had the potential to get married. I was a job seeking fresh undergraduate, no wonder they did not see any early wedding potential. As much as I attempted to sweet talk them, their response was “You are not yet ready”.

I have friends who had been in relationships I assumed would lead to a nuptial. The female breaks up and in less than few months she was married to a man she knew for less than a year. One of the women confessed to me she loved her ex more than her husband and the only ‘flaw’ she saw in her ex was he wasn’t ready to get married. She did love her husband though, just not as much as the ex. I asked, “did you marry your husband because you love him OR you loved him because he could be your husband OR you believe you loved him because he was your husband?” I learnt from that experience the power wedding potential had over feelings, even one as strong as love. Once a woman had perceived that wedding potential in a man she began to see desired qualities in him. This was contrary to what women believe: that they see what they desire before falling in love.

An older friend of mine received a phone call from his ex who left him years earlier for a more financially stable, older man. She called to catch up on old times. From their conversation, it became obvious she was still dating the guy, in fact engaged, but he recently left the country for an 18-month Masters programme. She was in her late twenties and perceived 18 months as a long time to wait before marriage. My friend now had a higher wedding potential, after all he was still in the country. I learnt women were willing to throw away years of relationship along with the potential of a wonderful future if marriage was not included.

Mila Kunis character in the movie ‘Ted’ showed the theory of wedding potential. On the fourth anniversary of her character’s relationship with the boyfriend she hoped he would propose. He didn’t, so she began to question his maturity and for a short period ended the relationship. But that’s a movie and that was why it had a happy ending.

Women have various subjective ways of assessing wedding potential. It could be based on factors including religion, race, age, tribe, family acceptance, social status, and educational qualifications. A woman might take any of the listed factors and use it in her assessment. She could believe a man from her own religious group, race, and social status had higher wedding potential than those that were not. A woman that perceives her family would not accept her to date a particular man might not see the wedding potential in that man and decide not to date him. If she even accepts to be in a relationship with him without their approval, he must have guaranteed her marriage.

Wedding Potential could also be based on assumptions. One of them was the assumption a financially stable man was more likely to get married than a man who was barely employed. Another was a relatively older man was more likely to get married than their peer. Like I said, these assumptions vary and it doesn’t matter what it was as long as there was a wedding potential.

The theory of wedding potential shows the importance marriage had been given in our society. Significant percentage of women had seen it as a must. Despite the increase in failed marriages, females put their happiness on the line. They ignore all the personal qualities they want from the man they were in a relationship with because of no wedding potential, they just want to be recognized as a Mrs. in the society. Maybe that was why marriages were failing on an increase. Women ignored all the personal qualities they want from want from the man they were in a relationship with because of no wedding potential.

The challenge now for women is how to know if they were not in a current relationship where wedding potential was not the major criteria for dating the man.


  1. Interesting article, and I agree with some of your points. I would like to republish it on my blog as a guest post to get some comments going. Please email it to me myne if interested.

  2. Wow.... I absolutely love this post. Right on point.

    1. Thanks.

      I'll also appreciate criticism.

  3. i didnt get the gist of it... first time here..

    so in a nutshell?? women are???

    1. Strongly motivated by marriage. Love & other factors come after.

  4. This is a very interesting article, and I have a feeling a lot of women (for whatever reason) will not honestly state that they are currently in relationships because of the wedding potential (I choose to call it marriage/commitment potential because there is more to a wedding than just the fancy occasion)that you state.

    I am currently engaged to a wonderful man and outside of his positive qualities; I can admit that one of the core reasons I fell in love with him was because of his "marriage/commitment potential". I keep adding commitment because that’s what it boils down to. It’s the willingness to commit that makes a man attractive. If he has all those good qualities but is unwilling to commit it makes him unattractive in a woman’s eyes. We don’t like people who waste our time! I would say your theory is spot on, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the nature of women although we’re too quick to deny it.

    1. You made a very valid point. I did consider calling it "Marriage Potential" but it as wasn't catchy as "Wedding Potential".

      I totally ruled out commitment because I was interested in why date women who they do and not on factors that would make relationships work. My take on commitment is one of the desired qualities women perceive after Marriage/Wedding Potential.

      Thank You for your insight, I appreciate it.

    2. Thank you for writing it. It is very insightful.

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