Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Kinky Love Triangle

I'll start by saying this post is not rated Jenim. Jenim is a girl I know that described some of my writings as "vile" and tagged me as "professor of masturbatory studies". If you also have such opinion about my posts, I can assure you this one won't perform any justice in changing your mind. Since Jenim might not like it that was why I chose the rating.
In my defense my blog isn't Super Story, I am not preaching family values but my experiences which we all have our unique ones but I've decided to put mine in words. Like this one I've titled "Kinky Love Triangle".

Where do I begin to make you understand the feeling I had throughout this experience. It was back in the University of Lagos, sophomore, and I was in a period where I thought I had discovered myself. I would describe myself as socially-reclusive but still had my guys with bonds stronger than the rest. These were the guys you could make sacrifices for and no pussy or dough could come between [theoretically]. One of 'em told me about a girl he was interested in dating...the girl was fine I aint gonna lie & she had an innocent look about her that could either attract or discourage a guy regardless of his intentions. The conflicting thing about such looks was that a guy could either see the girl as naïve and get what he wanted [is there any need to spell it out?] Without stress OR the girl could be too naïve and dull the guy until he came to his senses to move ahead. This girl was a mix of the two, she was like a faulty street light. One second you see the green light and before you could move an inch it turns red. My guy got fed up and officially proclaimed he no longer had the chic on the parole list. I decided to collect the baton because I had this feeling I was fast enough to cross that line when I see the green light before it turned red. I decided to take it slow to achieve that, girls like that were moved by words and I was good combining them to compose wonderful sentences. The frustrating aspect for me was I never saw the green light.

I was on my way to the library when I heard someone call my name, it was her. I told her where I was off to and she decided to tag along. That was good enough for me...I saw that as an opportunity and I took it. My purpose of visiting the library was to find reference materials for an assignment on rites of passage- how certain cultures celebrated a child's transition into adulthood. Some how the discussion about my assignment became sexual in nature. And that was before we even stepped into the library. If my assignment was based on sex, her mind was enough reference material and she facinated me more because it contrasted her persona/appearance. As we stepped into library my eyes began to scan for a location that was coded. Where it would be possible to run things. I spotted one between some old shelves in a corner. In the pretext of finding books I led her to that spot and the first thing I did was to clear doubts and make her know "No one can see us standing here". She went 360 degrees to confirm. Next thing I knew, we began to really kiss. At one point I had my fingers in her pants and hers in mine. What tripped me the most was we kept on laughing and commenting on what we were doing. You only experience such things with people you were comfortable with...physically. From that day on our make out sessions began in the mornings before class, like before 7 o'clock, it was one of the best ways to start the day. I'll be in class, sitting with my heart filled with bliss while I watched the lecturer's lips move before I fall asleep in class. Then one day she told me my guy, who said he was no longer interested, was making moves. As in, he wanted to continue from where he stopped and this time he was determined to date her.

I was in a position where I definitely didn't want to be. I was beginning to really like her and...maybe I was at fault. Although I told my guy I was interested, I left out what went down in the library as well as other lips touching sessions. More over all our moves had been coded while his was for all to see. The reason I decided to keep it on a low was to avoid his interest in her resurfacing but it did eventually. If I dated her I knew people would tell me I fucked up my guy's moves. Still I didn't want to let go like that, it wasn't that easy. I left the decision open for her to make [as if I had a choice]. She told me to make it to school early one morning...apparently she told my guy the same thing. He got to her before me and that was what her decision to date him was based on, because he got to her early.

Their relationship blossomed no doubt. Any feeling I had had to be buried somewhere way deeper than my unconscious. I tried to distance myself from her but it wasn't possible. The fact that she was dating my guy meant we would still be seeing each other just as much. I went to my guy's place one day and noticed they were both in his room...the soundtrack was bloody in the sense that I had to hear her moan as she lost her virginity. I mean, I shouldn't feel anything but I did. No one noticed I was there and I preferred to keep it that way. I couldn't look at her in the eyes from then on because all the innocence was gone as I looked from mine. Maybe it was a selfish/jealous feeling but I knew if for a reason we ended up dating, she would NEVER be the way I left her.

They say opportunity comes once and when I met her younger sister, I saw it as an opporunity presenting itself twice. The younger sister reminded me of the girl I knew in the library. Not for the make out part but for the fun loving aspect. Maybe it was my uncouscious rooting the feeling I had for her sister and directing it to her. The sister wasn't in support of me making any move but I didn't care, as far as I was concerned she shouldn't have a say in this. I wasn't going to let go of this opportunity. My relationship with her sister began and at a point I got confused. Was I interested in her because I couldn't get her sister or because I liked times I find myself calling her her sister's name. My guy travelled to the UK for his masters but not before ending the relationship with the girl. Apparently the relationship was stretched to the limit that the incompatibility was obvious. To be honest, I do know they both seem to be happy together...seperated.

She is single, I'm dating her sister but would preferred if it were her and she knows that and waiting for me to make a move this time. Now I'm here typing this thinking...should I follow my heart this time and fight for this feeling or should I let this slip away and cease this kinky love triangle. I know people are going to have things to say...names to call but if that was going the cost of having a happy relationship was it worth it? I have decided that this time, like the last, I'm going to leave my arms wide open and sees if she runs to embrace. The twist now is I'll walk away from both of them if she comes late.

Monday, November 28, 2011

How To Annoy Your Boss

I was at work one day and noticed a co-worker had a rather strange behaviour. Anytime anyone walked close to him he tilted the monitor screen away from the person's view OR he minimised the page. I felt he was probably watching porn but I had doubts when I realised he was taking notes as he kept on clicking the mouse. I mean, no one takes notes when watching porn [it was a visual learning experience]. As he stepped out I walked to his table and maximised the browser. Initially I was puzzled until I found the humour in it [strangely]. He had been reading articles on "How to annoy your Boss".

I used to think having a job was like a boob in hand was worth two in the bra ish. I mean, lots of people were unemployed and it wouldn't be advisable to annoy one's boss which would probably lead to getting fired. I do understand where his frustration could have come from, his monthly salary was some co-workers weekend allowance...damn!

I decided to come up with some ideas you could use to annoy your Boss BUT I'll take no responsibility if you get fired. Feel free to add yours.

• Use earphones when your boss is talking to you with music blaring.

• When your boss calls you on your phone/intercom, begin the conversation by saying "this better be important because I'm on the last stage of Zuma."

• Talk to your boss in a language she/he doesn't understand.

• During meetings especially ones with potential customers, walk in, fart, and leave without saying a word.

• Accuse your Boss of not flushing the toilet after use.

• Whenever your Boss tells you to do something you find stressful, tell him you can't because it was against your ethics, principles, and religion.

• Follow your Boss on twitter/ Facebook and keep talking trash about her/him online.

• Wear a branded shirt of a competing firm to work.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

A Lannister Always Pays His Debts...and You Are Not A Lannister

The world's economy is being run by debts, you see, I don't have to be an economists to know these things. If a world power like America could be over $15 Trillion in debts and rising, who are we to say being a debtor is a bad thing. We have America owing Mexico and all these proves two things, anybody can owe any and status does not exist in the world of debtors. All you had to do was prove/promise/deceive that you were going to pay back, simple. In George R. R. Martin's "A Song of Fire and Ice" there was a statement, a Lannister always pays his debts. The Lannisters were the richest family in the fiction determined to owe no one and WE are far from the Lannisters.

My first exposure to debt management would be in Nursery/Primary school. We weren't owing money then, it was promises and like they say, "a promise is a debt". We would say things like "I promise to play with you during break-time" and during that period the kid would be left alone...ignored, while the person that made the promise would be playing "catcher" with the other kids. As kids I would say we didn't know the consequences of making promises or owing someone and we made it everyday. In secondary school, things changed. Money replaced promises as debts, promises became the collateral used to get the debt. You borrowed the cash and promised to pay back. That was how it worked. It became difficult to pay back because people made promises when they were in need and at that point they might be convinced they would pay back...but a principle of motivation says a satisfied need is not a motivator. The debt takes care of their need and the motivation to repay the debt no longer existed. The debtor could even begin to intimidate you all in an effort to frustrate you.

As we grow older, things change once more and we become wiser. Promises no longer guaranteed debt repayment. We borrow/lend based on personal assessment of 2 things. One, the possibility of the person to repay based on past records and two, incase the person proved stobborn, we consider the possibility of forcing the person to repay. Sometimes we demand for a collateral for the second. When a student decided to sell Brazillian hair products in school she knew the risk involved. A lot of girls wanted it but couldn't afford it and often negotiated contract payment. The issue with contract payment was you had to constantly keep tabs on your debtors like an FBI agent. You even end up calling them more than your loved ones. One "chic" in school decided to have one of those Brazillian hair weave-on...that was the trend and she didn't want to be left out. BUT she didn't have the full amount...she was twenty thousand Naira short. She became one of those "I'll pay next week". Next week turned to weeks and months without the girl showing signs of repaying. She had a nice chat with her twenty thousand Naira debtor and gave her a condition to repay the debt...she accepted. The condition was....*read on*. The debtor went with the girl to visit a man in his office, a married man I must add. She introduced the debtor as "the girl I told you about". He invited the debtor to sit on his laps and she obeyed with zero hesitation. In the presence of the girl, he stripped the debtor naked...played with her boobs and every other part that could produce liquid before he fucked her on his table. While he was doing this, he kept having a casual conversation about how sweet the girl's pussy was and asked if she had any other debtor that needed to repay debt. By the end of the day everyone was satisfied. The man covered the debt after fucking the debtor, the debtor no longer became a debtor. She still had her Brazillian hair but I'm not sure about her dignity. The debt literally fucked her up.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Touch Of My Hand

"I’m not ashamed of the things that I dream
I find myself flirting with the verge of obscene
Into the unknown, I will be bold
I’m going to places I can be out of control
And I don’t want to explain tonight
All the things I’ve tried to hide
I shut myself out from the world so I
Can draw the blinds and I’ll teach myself to fly
I love myself
It’s not a sin
I can’t control what’s happenin’
‘Cause I just discovered
Imagination’s taking over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand
The touch of my hand..."

That song by Britney Spears is all this post is about, and if you don't get it by now...sorry, I'm not going to use the M word but I'll give you another clue, self-gratification. I once said the number one lie people tell was, "I don't lie". I think this should be the second. People deny they do this. But I know, whether you are a virgin or not OR you are simply confused if you are still a virgin, you can't bullshit me you haven't done was human nature for you to understand the touch of your hand as you explore erogenous zones. You know, those places that takes you to a higher place.

I aint gonna lie, it helped me a lot. For one, it helped me understand where sperm was released from. And also that sperm didn't look like a tad pole with the naked eye. You see I grew up a great thinker and when I learnt about sperm from a science teacher who was scared to cross the imaginary line of decency I was left confused. In my own understanding of his words, sperm came out from the balls. I knew where the balls were, after all I had be kicked there a few times BUT which channel did it exit the body from? If the school teacher had said sperm was produced by the balls and released through the penis, next time I was drawing the female reproductive system I would have written at the vigina "Insert Penis Here" to show I understood. Like sweat, I use to think sperm would be released through the balls sack *why did I even have that thought?* Anyway, by the touch of my hand I discovered Sperm.

Like I said, self-gratification had taught a lot of people so many things and one of them was that the female body indeed had a delayed sexual response cycle. Most girls complain that they weren't being satisfied by their men...he cums early and they were left half-way and all that. If it was the guy's fault how come when it comes to self-gratification guys still cum faster than girls. Guys don't even need toys...but girls, they have a multi-millon dollars industry designing dildos, vibrators, and Ben Wa balls to satisfy them. My point is, guys if you can't make a girl cum, relax, even they have difficulty in making themselves cum.

Self-gratification was no doubt a remedy for sexually frustrated individuals especially men. It was a quick temporary fix for a rush of blood to the penis. I remember in camp...where men had to sleep in what could have passed for a wearhouse. There were bunk beds arranged in rows but that didn't help in the perception of overcrowding. The room was poorly ventilated and the heat emanating from the bulbs only made the condition worse. A decision was reached to switch off the bulbs at night. On one of those nights someone for whatever reason switched them on as he stepped in...with the sudden illumination everyone became wide awake and eyes shifted to a guy jerking in his bunk. That was what caught our eyes. The guy had reached a point of no return as he was about to release...which he did and came back to his senses. Trust guys...this guy became the joke of the night. But he was bold o. He confessed that wasn't the first time he did that in the bed and passed the blame to girls. He added he doesn't have a girlfriend and girls were fond of turning him down. On a good year he would have sex twice. I felt for him...having sex twice a year, it was traumatic having wet balls only twice a year. Did I mention this guy was in his thirties? He was. If he was my friend I would have introduced him to some gehs from Imo state...then, on a bad year he would not have had sex twice that year.

Monday, November 21, 2011


Take this quiz, Brag is to ____ (Men/Toys) as Nag is to ____(Sky/Females). I'll give you a hint, those verbal actions are associated with humans. I know I'm generalising, I know there are men who nag but females have the exclusive right those men only...licenced it. I hate nagging, that is one of my natural turnoffs (others include bad breathe and body odour). Even if you are my Rihanna in Beyonce's body, as soon as you begin to nag I begin to sing "to the left, to the left".
The Bible recognises the dangers associated with a nag. Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a QUARRELSOME WIFE.
Proverbs 27:15-16 A QUARRELSOME WIFE is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil in the hand.

Like I implied, I cannot date a girl that nags. There was no need to be in that relationship because nagging is one of the most obvious signs of incompability. Don't get me wrong, you might love the person but you are not compatible. It shows communication between you two is faulty and there was difficulty in making the other see things your way. So you keep repeating the same thing until it becomes annoying. It feels like trying to fix a square peg in a round hole where the square peg is the info you want to pass across while the round hole is the person you want to pass it to. Nagging is when you try to force the square peg/info into the person by all means. With enough force you might succeed but that would change the shape of the the square peg, the round hole or both. The bottomline is whatever you wanted to pass across won't be taken the way it was intended. The info or suggestion you wanted to pass across is therefore distorted and someone gets hurt emotionally. Now imagine if every suggestion you have in a relationship could be described in the context I gave.

I was listening to a radio programme, a man called in and said he wanted to remain anonymous. His voice sounded like he was tired....emotionally. He asked "How do you know you married the wrong person and your wife wasn't suppose to be your wife?" Then he admitted, "I think I married the wrong person." The presenter attempted to give the speech of marriage isn't a bed of roses but the caller wasn't buying it. The caller said his wife complains a lot about everything he did. The presenter was still trying to play love doctor and gave the whole opposite attract sh!t and the wife was there to checkmate him blah blah blah and keep him grounded. The caller still didn't buy it. He gave a situation, he lived in an area with bad roads/drainage [that could be anywhere in Lagos] and decided a sport utility vehicle (SUV) would be the best type of car to purchase. The wife objected and called it a waste of money. He knew if he got the car there wouldn't be peace in his house as long as he had it. The caller added, "I'm tired". Although the caller gave an instance it was obvious this was one too many. Even if the wife had a point their being incompatible won't allow her to pass it across in a way it wouldn't threaten his peace. There are ways some wives would talk to their husbands, make suggestions, and the guy would believe it was his own decision. He would walk around satisfied like the man of the house while the wife would sit behind pulling the strings. A nagging wife would demand an amount of money from her husband and he would say he was short on cash, his mistress would know how to present it to him and he would drop double the amount the wife asked.

Each man would have his way to deal with a female that loves to nag, but one thing is certain and that is it would lead to the failure of the relationship/marriage. A failed marriage isn't only divorce, it also includes the death of love and affection in the home. A guy got married to a beautiful intelligent girl. She was also a barrister and guess what? She could also nag. No guy would want to f@*k with a lawyer/barrister that've lost the case before you commit the crime. The guy became happiest when he was at work and dreaded going home because his wife was ready to nag him till he pretends he was asleep. He decided to get himself wasted before going home...just drink and smoke weed, that way he would have no idea what the wife was nagging about and have a wonderful smile on his face. His wife began to nag about that unaware the only way to stop him from drinking was to take a moment and shut up about his drinking/smoking habit. He got bored of the whole ish and left his home. He went to a friend's place, switched off his phone and stayed there for three days without any contact with the outside world. No one except the friend knew where he was. The wife began to panic. She called his friends, family members and work colleagues but no one knew where he was. By the time he came home she was intelligent enough to know what drove him away and apologised. She said "I didn't know it had that much impact on you". If I were the guy, I would have spent a whole week away.
"A nagging wife will rot the bones, kill the spirit and dry up any creative thinking. She will drive a man into the desert to free his mind of the constant drip. She will torture him slowly and he will die a slow painful death".
If you nag STOP, no good thing comes out of it and the easiest way to know if you nag is to ask. A lot of people won't get married because of that and those that nag their way to the altar won't have a happy marriage. If you do want to stop the act adopt patience and know when to pass your point across. Maybe I should write another piece on that...

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I began writing since...can't remember. I would scribble experiences and give them titles like "A White Man With Tribal Marks". Then someone came along and suggested I open a blog and I did, a year later I'm still blogging and loving it. I see it as my vault of experiences and I gave myself one rule- never mention names. That aside, I began to read works by other bloggers and one that caught my attention was
KevinWithanL would have to be the most interesting blogger I know and definitely one of the most talented writers. The interesting part is not solely based on what he writes but you can't help but wonder what goes on in his head. Like everyone with above average talent it was obvious he had issues and it became apparent with each post. This was someone whose first posts were inspirational words from Peju Oyemade...months later he was talking about how he fucked a girl he met on Twitter. To be honest, that was when he became really interesting. He did the one thing I wouldn't do- mention names- and when you have as many followers he had on twitter that doesn't sound like a nice idea. I remember he became a threading topic once on twitter [in Lagos sha]. The next thing I observed was he "imploded", this occurs when you make a sudden drastic decision. This was common with celebrities who find the price of fame to high to pay, like when Britney Spears cut her off her hair for no reason. Or when Michael! Feels like he kept imploding throughout his career. First, his twitter handle @KevinWithanL got deleted or something and that was the medium he used he spreading his word. Then he wrote what he claimed would be his last post on his blog [I know he will be back, people like him love attention]. I have to add that was his best piece I've read. That guy is a genius.

The truth is, it is soo easy for writers to get carried away with what they choose to reveal. Kanye West once rapped "I'm on TV talking like it is just you and me". The same feeling applies to writers, you pick up your pen and as you express yourself you believe your audience are only those you have in mind. Before you know it, even those you never thought could read have accessed it. What you wrote can now be freely taken out of context. Another of my favorite blogger @Keet_kat wrote her last post "Encore" would be her last, she doesn't want "to spill her guts out anymore".

Then one thought came to mind...was this the effect of excess self-disclosure. These bloggers including myself literally type our life out for all to read and most of them don't know the consequences. Self-disclosure is really important in creating a strong PERSONAL relationship. You feel a bond with anyone you self-disclose imagine self-disclosing to thousands of people who really don't give a sh!t about you or what you revealed from your past. You write "I think I love this girl" and someone responds "try saying that after you f@*k her". On the long run, stuffs that leaves a vacuum in your self-appraisal. Your personal life become their entertainment, KevinWithanL becomes Nigeria's funniest blogger and with such label every other thing you want to disclose about yourself isn't relevant if it isn't funny. By describing yourself your audience defines you.

Still, I love blogging and bloggers out there and damn! there are a lot. I have to admit, even if these guys stopped writing I doubt they would be missed.
That is just life, no one is indispensable...there is always someone to carry the torch.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Mr. & Mrs.

Being a married couple is more of a girl's dream than a guy. Fairy tales including the Walt Disney classics suggest from the wedding day, the couple lives happily every after. In reality, that was far from the truth and most people have come to accept that. I see couples in my neighbourhood with smiles and their beautiful kids being so carefree and I say to myself, "this couple must be really really happy". I saw a couple one morning, the husband was holding the hands of his two daughters as he walked them to school, while the wife was few steps behind with their school bags. If I didn't know better I would have thought all was well, that that was a happy family.

Months earlier, I had seen the husband returning from work in his car. I can't say what the time was but I'm guessing it was probably two hours to midnight. Barely 10 minutes had passed from the time the guy parked in his compound when I saw him running out with only his boxers on and his wife chasing after him. This wasn't a late night jogging exercise, his wife was determined to beat the hell out of her husband as she rained curses during the chase. The street was empty so the guy had to run until he saw people come to his rescue. It took great verbal and physical persuasion to calm the wife. Apparently the husband had been a punching bag all this while. That was when this Mr. & Mrs. actions made more sense, he had taken the "role" of the wife. I remember one time he was driving home, and as his car approached his house which was one away from mine he began to slow down. His hands weren't on the steering wheel but his phone. As he drove pass I noticed he was deleting messages and call logs. Probably he had something to hide but with a wife that could beat the sh!t out of the husband, it was best to hide everything.

There are some Mr. and Mrs. that you don't need to know what goes on behind closed doors to know they weren't meant to be together. It felt as if the girl couldn't wait for Prince Charming to save her so she settled for one of her captors. I knew this Mr. before the Mrs. came along and I didn't like him. He was one of those who was no doubt accomplished in the business world but his personal life sucked because he sucked personally. He got tired of the girl and wanted her to leave but he knew that won't be as easy feat. Getting married was as easy as saying "I do" but dissolving the union wasn't as easy as saying "I don't" or "I'm tired of you" OR "Move ahead!". She was one of those Mrs. that had nothing outside their matrimonial home to fall back on. So whatever bullshit the Mr. threw at her she was ready to swallow it. During her pregnancy he deprived her of so many things in an attempt to frustrate her to move in with her mum for that period but she didn't take a step. When the Mrs. delivered, while others bought gifts, he bought a new lock...the girl's mum came to their home to stay for a while but he kicked her out. He wanted it to be the other way round where the girl would stay with her mum. He intended to change the lock during that period but this Mrs. sensed it and didn't move an inch. The only way she would leave her matrimonial home was if he killed her.

One other Mr. & Mrs. lasted 2 years in my area along with their marriage. The Mrs. was from a wealthy/influential family, even her dad was a commissioner while the Mr was...let's just say he had a family. That wasn't the only contrast, the Mrs was also on the fat side which would make people question why the Mr got married to her. It was either he had a taste for big women or the money. The wife got pregnant and travelled to America leaving the husband alone in the house. This Mr didn't hesistate to take full advantage of being home alone. He was so promiscuous that by the time his wife was to arrive after delivery, his mother went door-to-door to plead with neighbours not to allow the Mrs know of her son's behaviour. The cracks in the marriage finally led to the failure when she found out. The Mrs moved out of their home when she couldn't stand seeing the guy and the Mr decided to also move his things out. Their home remained empty for weeks. During that period, I walked in and saw what was left of the marriage. Both Mr & Mrs had taken with them what they brought into the home and left behind what they both shared. In their scattered bedroom was a typed note on the floor with other pile of papers. It was writted by the wife to the husband. The title was "20 Things I Would Do To Make You Happy". It was a list of things the wife wanted to achieve to satisfy the husband and included things like losing weight and always respecting him. It showed the Mrs was determined to make the marriage work but I have to admit, I might not know if she fulfilled the remaining items on the list but I do know she didn't succeed in shedding the weight.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Last Name Ever, First Name Greatest

At one point in our lives we would want to be known as a name other than ours. Where our last name would be Ever, while the first name would be Greatest. Being called Greatest Ever____ [fill in the blank] is no easy feat. People have their own recipe on what makes people great. One consistent idea I've noticed is to be persistent on a single goal because every race in life has its own unique track. Even Usain Bolt won't run against Ferrari F1 cars on a speed race track. Like I said, being Greatest Ever____ isn't easy and won't happen overnight. If being Greatest Ever___ takes time, then I've got all it takes.

I see time as the major determinant people use to decide if they should give up on their race of become Greatest Ever____, either they perceive time as telling them they were getting too old or time was telling them "no more time". I've got no time to watch and I know even a second of being called the Greatest Ever____ was enough even if the next breath between this two lungs would be the last. My point is, if it was something your heart desire a lifetime isn't enough time to spend getting it.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

You Know The Problem, So What's The Problem

They say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting you have one. That way you would be open to change. I don't agree knowing a problem solves much, if it does anything at all it would be making you aware of what frustrates you. I mean, we practically know a whole lot more about obstacles we need to overcome but how come they are difficult to get rid of. Below is a post a girl wrote on her Facebook wall. It is about...[Just read it]

"Chioma breakup wit him,u will see dat he cnt tell his friends dat he his an animal in human clothing or can he tell his family,pls bt if u marry him dat will b your greatest mistake,u r 2beautiful 4 him 2 hurt,let him go,a better man is near u,pls,u pple shld tell me wat to tell my friend b4 her lunatic boyfriend that claim 2 v swag kills her,his swag is beating her not treating her like a woman,guys pls wat do i say 2 this boyfriend of hers?he doesn't give you anythi,neva hs he giving u money 2mk hair,u buy him everything even phones,haba wake up,he is using u,he is hanging on cos of wat he is gettin 4rm u.s."

In case you didn't understand the post I'll explain. A girl wrote on her Facebook wall about her friend who was in an abusive relationship. The friend, apparently was finding it difficult to break-up from that relationship. The post was open for people to comment, giving their advice on how she should help her friend see that she deserves more than the abusive guy.
The reason for copying the post here is only to prove knowing our problems does little to solve it.

First of all, let's focus on the girl's friend. Being in an abusive relationship is an obvious problem. Like I wrote in an earlier post "A Slap Should Convince You". No one gets hurt and feels good about it. Now focus on the girl that wrote the post. It was also obvious she knew what the problem was and was determined to find a solution to help her friend. Now here is the twist, the girl that wrote the post was referring to herself. She made up a fictitious friend to cry for help [read the post again if you didn't notice]. This girl has "a lunatic" boyfriend that beats her up and she finds it difficult to leave him. The truth was she can't help her[self/friend]

That was just an instance. There are people who find themselves in other situations that give them sleepless nights, yet they "wake up" to face it the following day. It could be school, work, family or relationships. They know what the problem was and can't solve it. The truth is no one was born to suffer, the body is self regulatory and it gives signs when something becomes waste and not needed by the body, for example, you don't tell your body to sweat, your body tells you. Frustrations and sleepless nights are also signs that they body regards certain endeavours & relationships as waste, and as much as you might want to make something out of it, your body might fail you. Walk away when in such situations and don't think with your heart or rationalise with your head. If to overcome that problem isn't that easy to walk away, PRAY.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Hellooo...Too Much Info

I'm going to write below statements I've heard from girls. After reading each statement, I want you to take note of what goes through your mind.

• I have to make my hair
• I am so tired
• I feel like eating Pizza

For someone like me, anything I hear is represented in a vivid mental imagery. So when a girl says, "I have to make my hair", as I think about that I picture her in a salon getting all glamed-up. It doesn't end with a mental imagery, I also ask myself "why is she telling me?" My answer is usually subjective but makes sense to me. "I have to make my hair" to me might imply "I need you to give me some money to make my hair". And if she feels like eating pizza it meant "I'm hungry and I need you to buy me pizza". "I'm so tired" simply means, "Can you please let me be by myself for the meantime?"
The point I'm trying to make is whatever I hear goes through a lot of thought process and I have a wild imagination that might lead to the weirdest rationalisation.

Now, imagine what goes through my head when I hear girls say...

• Do you have a tissue I need to go to the toilet
I told a girl I was washing and she said...
•Can you wash my panties
I asked a girl why she was feeling down and she said...
• I'm having my period

Those are too much info if you ask me and you wouldn't want to see the horror that goes through my mind when I hear those. I know it is human nature to experience those but it isn't one to share. The same way girls can't spread all their panties under the sun depending their "condition" is the same way they shouldn't share those info. If you are bleeding through your pussy, keep it to yourself...and if don't wear panties, good for you, and if you do I don't want to know. When the girl told me to wash her panties I knew she said it as a joke but it wasn't funny. To wash something meant it was, imagine dirty female panties. The horror doesn't end there, most girls mostly wear panties during their period. Now, imagine a female panties that got dirty during her period. Bloody.

I have to end this here because I'm disgusted already.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Dancing Nude For A Blind Man/Love Responsibly

A friend once said loving someone who does not appreciate you is like a beautiful lady dancing nude for a blind man. TOTAL WASTE OF TIME! I totally agree with the statement and the unfortunate part was most of us end up being that beautiful lady dancing nude for someone "blind" in our lives. We hear the rhythm of our heart beat [sic] as it skips for that person and we keep dancing...totally wasting our time.

Now, I'll add I've danced a few styles for someone. I also have to add that I am also a bad "dancer" but lucky for me "the music stopped". A question I'll ask & give my opinion is, Whose fault was it when we fall in love with someone that doesn't feel the same way, who is to blame? My answer is the individual that fell in love. Take this instance, you walk into a gallery and out of hundreds of artworks displayed you fancy a particular one. And you say to yourself "This one is beautiful?". Another individual might take a glance at the same artwork and feel the opposite emotion and walk away, without a second thought. Even if you can't put the reason you love the artwork in words [which might be due to your limited vocabulary] You end up buying the piece and have a spot for it in your home. You bought the idea the artwork was beautiful and it would make you feel good.
When you bring the same idea into relationships, you'll realise that we are the ones that decided what we want to love in people therefore we indirectly decide on who we want to love. The person becomes the SUMMARY of human qualities we love. If you love human qualities such as kindness, humour, and patience, and we noticed/assume Mr Jack/Miss Jill posses those qualities. Instead of saying "I love kindness or I love humour", we say "I love Mr Jack/Miss Jill". The point I want to make at this point is people don't love by mistake or forced to. Even those who love at first sight are those who were able to see all that they would like a person to have at first sight. This is possible because we tell ourselves what we are hearing are the kind of things I want to hear. And what I'm seeing are the kind of things I want to see. When we feed our eyes, nose, and ears and we like what we perceive, we feel good within ourselves and that culminates to what is known as emotions. Since the person posses qualities that elicits pleasant emotions within and also makes us feel joy, they become our source of joy. And no one in their right senses would want their source of joy go away. So we attach ourselves to them because they best satisfy us.

As long as we experience those pleasant emotions we are selfish enough not to care if the other person was feeling the same. We only become aware when they start acting up and they stop displaying those qualities we love. These emotions are like drugs, a crack addict does not decide to stop using and become her/his normal self in a day. Even as she/he quits, there are bound to be withdrawal syndrome. When someone is trying to take the pleasant emotions you feel away, there are also bound to be withdrawal syndrome/unpleasant emotions. Some cry, some feel totally useless and used. And like drug addicts, despite the fact you say "this is my last one", or "I'm not going back to him/her" we find ourselves going back and saying it all over again.

This might sound like a cliche but the best way to love and not end up dancing nude for a blind man is to love yourself. If you want to love any human quality, love the ones you have. That way you'll always feel loved and be the source of your joy.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

What A Wonderful Lie

One of the biggest lies would have to be "I don't lie". If every misinterpretation of fact is a lie [which I believe that is what a lie is] then we are all liars since we do that all the time. I have met liars...and I've believed some and obviously doubted a whole lot. But the fact is, [and I ain't gonna lie] lying is fun if you are getting away with it.

I had this friend who was in a gathering of university graduates. It was supposed to be an intellectual one so they began by stating the discipline they studied and institution attended. The first mentioned something like Business & Logistics at University of Michigan, the second person mentioned a university in the UK. The last person to talk was my friend....he noticed everyone had their university degree outside Africa not to mention Nigeria where he studied. He graduated from the University of Maiduguri with a degree in Electrical Engineering. If they thought they could intimidate him, he had something in store. Without flinching he said, "I studied Aircraft and Missile Propulsion at the University of Kabul, Afghanistan." Those guys believed him and to me...that was a wonderful lie. The look they gave him signified respect as he bamboozled with using terms like "applied
compressible flow and thermodynamics" to describe what it was about. I have no doubt they were thinking not only did he have a degree in a "complicated discipline" but in Afghanistan. Those guys must have good lecturers to take subjects related to that know...they love bombs and stuffs like that. Also he must be fricking intelligent. One fact was if they didn't place any prestige in the discipline they studied and where they got it from, they wouldn't have been....Wow!ed.

Most guys lie to get attention from girls...I don't need to do that except I realised the girl's stupidity was less than a typical girl's average I allow her spin for a while. I was with one early this year and after five minutes I was bored with what was coming out from her mouth. It was one of those egocentric statements about how different and unique she was from other girls. I interrupted her...I told her I was leaving Lagos soon for Abuja and that I was the head of the political campaign team of the president representing the youth. Her eyes lit up...I just sat there relaxed. There were so many things I can fake comfortably but intelligence? I don't need to. I kept talking sweet political nonsense and ending statements with "...but I wouldn't want to bore you with that". Like every good magic trick, I needed to Wow! Her. I remembered I had a text message on my phone, it was one of those sent by the president's campaign organisation. Instead of a phone number as the sender it was a name, and it was the president's name. I showed her the text and the next thing that happened....[Is rated 18 SNL]. It was a damn wonderful lie.

People shouldn't be allowed to be stupid to believe such lies but they just do. And if you find anyone believing a ridiculous lie, play along for a while, let their head spin.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Boy With The Fake Ass English Accent

It isn't a shocking news we have Nigerians that travel out of the country return with a "brand new English accent". It could be for a 3 week vacation or 4 years study course, regardless the duration they were away, they still return with an accent. They have an accent regardless of the country they visited [even if the English language was not spoken in that country they still returned with one]. A cousin spent barely 2 years in South Africa and returned with Cockney English. In case you don't know what that sounds like, if you or anyone were to fake a British accent it was most likely to be Cockney. Even Nigerians in England based in Liverpool tend to have the cockney accent instead of the Scouse accent. The way I interpret this is the desire to fool oneself in a bid to impress.

I met a secondary school classmate few months back. I hadn't seen him since our secondary school days...he was huge now and had a Beats earphone round his neck. He had girls giggling round him as they chatted while he spoke with a Cockney accent. The guy spent his childhood and most of his teenage years in Nigeria and I knew having a cockney accent had to be faked. I felt it was because of the girls he was faking it 'coz they seemed to be buying it. And I know girls are attracted to fake things- wigs, make-up, plastic surgery....a faked cockney accent should definitely fit in. By the time the girls left and I was alone with the guy and another old friend I bumped into earlier, I expected him to stop faking any foreign accent. But guy! This guy no stop. He continued to chew his tongue like he wanted us to know he hadn't been in the country since I last saw him. The guy told us he obtained his university degree in the UK [like we bothered to ask] and was in the country for the National Youth Service Corps programme which had been difficult for him to get a job placement. It would sound strange to those who had the belief that foreign trained Nigerian graduates were the top of the pecking other for Job placement. But after I heard the guy talk I knew Nigeria was moving forward by not being moved by bullshit.

The guy was initially posted to a secondary school to teach. He had a brief conversation with the Principal and his teaching career ended before it started. According to him, the principal asked if he schooled at all in Nigeria and he responded only his university years wasn't spent in Nigeria. The principal rejected him and told him it was because the students would not understand his accent. I felt the principal was convinced he didn't spend enough years in the UK to have an accent. She probably saw fakeness all over him. What he said next further made me stick to my belief he knew the accent was indeed an issue. "I won't change how I speak because of anyone, I've been in the UK and I can't come back to Nigeria and lower my standards." Etsheeeew....oshi! The same guy was rejected the second place he was posted to. The admin manager thought he was born and breed in the UK and felt he wouldn't complete the service programme. That he was most likely to find Nigeria unbearable and travel back to the UK. All these assumptions were made from a fake Cockney accent.

The typical Nigerian I know would lie he could speak Mandarin to get a job...this guy was deceiving himself he can't drop that fake cockney accent to get a job. I figured out his parents were still taking care of his ass, if not, this guy would not only switch back to his Nigerian accent but also speak pigin English join.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Ade Wrote a Love Song

I was shuffling songs on my ipod until I skipped to a love song I wrote & recorded years ago. I wouldn't confidently label it a "Love song", it was one of those songs I wrote when I was bursting with talent back in school about a girl. Her name was [W] and I have to admit, she was the sh!t. But...I was young and not as____as I am now with girls so things didn't go as I wanted. The lyrics of 2nd and 3rd verse should be enough to give you an idea of what happened.

Verse 2:
It started as a joke
First time she said "No"
Her friend said I should chill
That she needed time to think
So I waited for a week
[W] didn't say a thing
What she said in the end
Was "We could still be friends"
I just don't understand
I just can't be that man
That always understands
I got my mind
And I know you think with your heart
And if I say we compromise
Then we just won't last (won't last)
'Cause the rain will fall
And your friends will talk
And so many other things can come
To f us up
And I know this for sure
At the end of the day
One of us will say
"Na you know the thing way you dey find"

Verse 3:
Going back
To what we would be
Or what we should [have] become
Looking back
On you and me
Or how I looked at you
It has faded...
With no memory left the memories left
When I stopped to care
And I'm feeling
That if I see you...
I'll probably say "F you"

[W] never had the chance to hear the song because she changed school and I don't even know what she is up to right now. Saw some one that looked like her few days ago, we were staring at each other. In my mind I was hoping she wasn't the one, not that I was having cold feet, but as much as they looked alike the [W] I knew was way beautiful. I walked away convincing myself I saw someone that looked like her. Maybe that's why I'm not motivated to find her because I fear I might not be impressed with what I see.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Seriously, Who Voted for Goodluck? (pt. 2 Fuel Subsidy)

Disclaimer: I don't give a shit about Economics

The western world is facing financial crisis and since Africans admire copying the West, the president majority of Nigerians allegedly/supposedly voted for is considering a move that would lead to probably a double digit inflation. A move that would most likely enable us experience our very own crisis. Yea, let Nigeria be on par with Greece and other countries that need bail-out. All the Nigeria's president want to do is to discontinue subsidising fuel. There have been division if "fuel subsidy" existed in the first place or not. There is a widely accepted belief that any service provided by the government should be health care, now we don't need the government to brag about "subsidising" health care for the masses, that is their job. They were elected/selected as [efficient] administrators of natural & human resources on behalf of the masses. All the ministries and state government are mere division of labour to enable them to be effective. The fear basically, like I've inferred above, is that removal of fuel subsidy would make price of fuel obviously more expensive. Since kerosene, PMS & diesel are essential commodities for cars, generators, and...burning armed robbers [jungle justice style], it would have a ripple effect, leading to the increase in cost/price of other goods and services. Notorious armed robbers might even be allowed to walk away free since no one would be willing to sacrifice fuel.
And a lot of Nigerians are finding it difficult to manage their finances as it is. We all pray to see the new year but knowing commodities would be expensive 1st January 2012 is not a way to begin it.

The removal of fuel subsidy was first mentioned during the presidential debate prior to the presidential election earlier this year. Apparently he failed to attend and no one knew his opinion on the issue. That was a question I was curious to know his answer since I had a strong belief he would win [as much as I didn't want him to] because not only do we have majority of Nigerians living below the poverty line, but their intelligent quotient as well. People kept clamouring about him being the chosen one...
After his proposed 6-year single term tenure, nuclear power plans, and fuel subsidy removal all in less than a year, I have a feeling we have a lot more shockers in his years to come. His supporters better get use to him chilling in Aso Rock, because impeaching/removing him won't be as easy as he is going to remove fuel subsidy.