Wednesday, February 29, 2012

February 2012: What? Why? How?

February 2012 would be over in a few hours but there are questions it failed to answer and hopefully March 2012 would.

First, matters arising...

• We still don't know those who constitute the Cabal

• Tevez apologised and remains a Man City player.

Now for February questions...

• When will Howard Webb ref a Manchester United game without a controversial decision?

• When will the ad-hoc committee set up to probe subsidy payments make an arrest?

• With the new policy of posting NYSC members to rural areas, does that mean more corps members being posted to the North than Western Nigeria?

• How come I haven't met an Adele fan that knows any of her songs excluding "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You"?

• Will Chelsea FC & Arsenal FC make it to the next round of the UEFA champions league?

This isn't a question, R.I.P Whitney Houston and Giringory. Your careers died long before you did though.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

When NYSC Posting F*cks You Up

I believe I'm correct in my assumption that almost everyone based/schooled in Lagos state desire to have their Youth service in Lagos. The remaining few would be those that were raised by very strict parents and in dire need of freedom, they simply want to be far away from their parents. NYSC posting was done at random but this was Nigeria, with money (all) things were possible. People decide to influence where they were posted by sorting whoever claimed could help. Other depend on their father's friend's junior sister's husband that worked in Abuja and knew someone that worked in the NYSC Lagos state secretariat to influence the posting to their desired state. Fact was no one was 100 percent certain the state they were being posted until they had their call-up letter and it read "LAG". This was usually less than a week to when they had to report to camp and if your connection worked, and you had been posted to Lagos you would be full of joy. If not, if your NYSC posting fucked you up, your few days before reporting to camp would be a rollercoaster of emotions. Even those that wanted to leave Lagos would feel down realising they were posted to Adamawa, where they had to take a 23 hours bus ride, while their friends would board a ₦100 bus to camp from Oshodi. I would know because I was in the situation.

If you expected to be posted to Lagos and you were not especially with your supposed connections and money spent, the first emotion you experience would be disbelief. Yea, the same emotion you experience when you hear someone close to you was dead. If you checked it yourself, you re-check. If it was by someone else you tell them, "stop playing, this is serious". By the time you come to terms with reality, you called whoever you paid to work it for you to tell 'em it didn't click. You call the person every 15 minutes to express your disappointment until the person begins to reject your calls. Some call their parents, with anxiety sipping through in their voice, telling them "It is not Lagos it is..." Yep, that was the point you realise you didn't know much about Nigeria. Your next action was to look for the other state you were posted to on the Nigeria map. It was then you'll realise how big the country was.

You begin to consider redeployment and everyone would tell you the same thing. You need to report to where ever state you were posted, complete the 3 weeks orientation camp. During that period find an opportunity to redeploy. They tell you redeployment was easy and all you needed was a medical report stating you had a life threatening condition. Asthma, Epilepsy,!t like those. In the few days you had before reporting to camp you begin a journey to find the medical report from a federal hospital. With money you'll find. Some even get the printout of an EEG scan. At this point you begin to learn about these life threatening conditions because you were made to believe at one point you would face a panel in camp. The panel would interview you to determine if you were being honest or not by asking you questions. So if you claimed to be epileptic you had to talk the talk and look it (if being epileptic had a look). You had to know the names of the drugs and how to use it. You find yourself learning so much about it they might as well give you a degree.
Babes could redeploy if they were married or pregnant and had to be with their husband. A babe once used her brother's picture as that of her husband. That way the fake marriage certificate she got would explain why her surname was still the same. About the pregnancy as an excuse to redeploy, goodluck faking that.

The few days left would be used for preparation. Since you had now come to terms you wouldn't be having your NYSC orientation in Lagos camp, you had to pack more stuffs to wherever you were going. You begin the make phone calls to find people also reporting to the same camp. Even an individual you hardly talked to during your university days would be your best friend at this point. You also had to prepare for a journey. If you had to travel to a non-western state, you had to book and pay for a ticket. Flight or road, there would be scarcity of seats for the first few days. You learn one more thing from the number of people reporting to camp. Nigeria had a high number of students that graduate every year.

The day before you leave for camp, you pack your stuffs and probably call your friends. I doubt you'll call those reporting to Lagos camp because you might feel they betrayed you by not connecting you to their link. Truth was, it wasn't their fault but that was what happens when NYSC posting fucks you up.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

How I Met Your Mother

I've a been (un)fortunate to meet guys that were mother fuckers (sic) seriously, these guys would f*ck your Mum. I know, it might gross you out but the word "cougar" won't exist if there weren't women that preferred fucking younger guys. And don't be mistaken to assume it was a western thing, this happens everywhere.
I know a guy, quite huge for his age. For some reasons (I have no idea) mothers love him. I might be walking down the street with him and while I say "'sup" to girls he would be exchanging plesantries with the Mothers. At first, I saw it as being respectful but when a mother begin to tell the daughter to invite him over, you have to guess something was wrong.
One other guy I knew met the daughter before the mum. The girl invited him over when she was home alone only for the mother to walk in on them...gisting. The daughter expected the Mum to flare up for inviting a guy over, instead she sat there and joined the conversation. She began to give the guy her best sexy look. Fast forward to days later, he was fucking the Mum and the daughter. The mum had the balls to tell the guy, "I know you are fucking my daughter but she can't be as sweet as me".
I don't think fucking older women is strange, What I do know is that I wouldn't f*ck a woman that was too old and might as well type, "No user serviceable parts inside" on her forehead.
I know there are people who would confidently say their mum (or grandmum) can't do such, even they wouldn't if they were married with kids. I won't try to prove you wrong, you must be young to think that. Look at it this way, when you were 10 years and you were asked your age you probably replied, "I am 10 years old". Same when you were probably 20. Now imagine being 30 to 40 years, the "OLD" begins to have literal meaning when you say it. By then you would have forgotten the last time you heard "You are beautiful". When a yound chap walks into your life and says it, believe me, you'll want one for the road.
A woman in my area preferred fucking a young neighbour while her husband was away. I'm fucking straight but I have to admit the guy was effing handsome. Sometimes she would sneak out with an excuse of buying provisions and go for a quickie. The guy wasn't only making her feel young but was also teaching her new tricks, like how to smoke marijuana. She made her feel young. The husband walked in on them one morning after a U-turn from work and caught them red handed. What followed was tears. Yea, he was crying. To be honest, when your wife was fucking a younger handsome guy you had to admit your validity period had expired. By the way, the marriage was still intact. All she had to do was go to her hometown for months and the guy was banned from residing on the street. I know guys like these would have something interesting to say to the woman's kids about "how I met your mother".

Friday, February 24, 2012

Iya Titi's Family Business

I remember on my way to primary school I used to stop at Iya Titi's shop to buy biscuits, sweets, know, that kin thing. It was that big and the contents of the shop could be way less than ₦50,000. On my way to work today I realised Titi had taken over the family business. That's like 15 years later. Titi was now being called Iya Seun, after her first child, by the kids who came for school supplies. I saw it as a beginning of an empire, that's if her daughter Seun decide to take over from her Mum.

Not all families could have the type of empire built by the Okoya, Folawiyo, and Dangote, but anyone would be good in this generation where most people don't know what they would love to do. I know people that have acquired degrees, Masters, aiming for Ph.D and still had no idea what they would like to do for a living. They turned being a student to a fulltime occupation.

For Titi a.k.a Iya Seun, having a family business to inherit no doubt had its merits/demerits. The downside circled round if she wasn't interested in selling buscuits and sweets for the rest of her life. The good thing was she had something to do while she figured out something, after all she was now the MD/CEO. While someone like me the future of me and my kids' was in my hands (what a pressure).

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

After All This Time/ TuFace Annie

Contains lyrics from "After All This Time" performed by Simon Webb.
My first reaction realising TuFace Idibia proposed to Annie Macaulay and she accepted was "Bitch, Please!" This was a guy known for his promiscuity plus his proposal was days after it became news one of his baby mamas was expecting another one. One more thing, he proposed in a night club. That shows how romantic he was after getting tipsy. This guy had the balls despite numerous fucks to propose and the (desperate) girl said "Yes". She went ahead to broadcast her joy on Twitter, "I serve a living God". Like seriously, I know God works in mysterious ways but I don't see it as a blessing a guy proven with multiple offsprings to be sexually irresponsible proposes. In my opinion, it shows desperation on the babe's part to get a Mrs. degree OR LOVE.
I was taking a walk with my ipod on shuffle when "After All This Time" came on...

"After all the broken stones
That were thrown for no good reason
Inside she's loving him still
After all this time

And though her heart bares the scars
No sign of healing, it's all right
She's loving him still
After all this time, oh yeah

Trying to push the past away
Still waiting for the lights to change
She'll try, try for the sake
Of their pride, pride

Learning to barely feel the pain
Thicker the skin, the less the strain
And though it's really hurting
She ain't breaking, breaking, breaking

'Coz she's loving him still
After all this time...".
Yea, after the first verse and chorus, Annie Macaulay came to mind. It was a perfect love song for their situation. Despite the ups and downs, she was loving him still, after all this time. It was a great force that no one would understand except them. I have been (un)fortunate to know people who claim to love the wrong guy despite abuse. It baffles me when they get an engagement ring and glow with joy because they saw marriage as the promise land. As if it was a REWARD for the heartache they had experienced in the hands of the person proposing. Maybe that was how Annie saw it.
BUT, I don't believe in that kind of love. Annie was desperate, tell 'em Ade said so. Her reaction after the proposal showed she desperately wanted a "and they lived happily ever after" in her relationship and I doubt it would happen. I'm expecting TuFace to knock up another lady. Probably their house maid if they had any, IF they got married in the first place. I don't care if you've won 10 Grammys (which he hasn't), if you lack self-control (which promiscuity is a sign) you can't get down with anyone close to me.
With that said, TuFace is from Benue state. Benue is known for high infection of HIV/AIDS.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Put The Blame On The Cameraman

Who was to blame for an ugly picture? The photographer behind the lens or the person in front of the lens. There were times I heard women complain to photographers that he "didn't snap me well", well, who was to blame? As in, doesn't a camera make it possible to replicate visual reality. If that was the case then free the photographer from any sort of blame. Thanks to technology we now have Photoshop to distort reality. For those who makeup failed to give them their desire look, computer generated imagery was the solution (at least on paper). For that smooth even toned skin, big breast, and sparkling white teeth.
There was this woman, she was a typical example of why men shouldn't get carried away with pictures. Her photos told huge lies, a master deceit. On pictures she could compete with Beyonce, no jokes. But in reality...LOoOoooooL...Damn! She was the sh!t (literally). It was as if her parents somehow raped each other to conceive her. There was no joy in her looks. So it was understandable why all her pictures were photoshoped.
There was this man that got her Blackberry PIN and had been chatting with her on BBM. He had no fucking idea of how she looked outside her display pictures and he already confessed his love. Even if he was lying (which I hope for his good), the day he sees her in person would make him realise he had been played. You can't f*ck this (unless you were high on crack cocaine...maybe).
Anyway, that was her personal business. Who am I to judge? An issue came up though, people had to submit there full length pictures for security reasons. She submitted one of her sexy photoshoped pictures and it was refused. The officer looked at the picture then her resemblance. He asked, "Is this your picture?" She nodded. That was when the officer said, "I can't take this". She demanded for a reason which the officer found difficult to respond without being offensive. I understood the situation, if the picture was used on posters in the unfortunate event of her being missing (or wanted), there was no fucking way she would be found even if she stood beside one of the posters. The only thing the officer could say was, "erm...the background, it's too bright. Let me use my phone to snap you now and I'll print it later". The lady responded, "And I told that cameraman o, that the background was too bright".

Saturday, February 18, 2012

One Year Gone: Deji Sonoiki

"On Tuesday, February 22, 2011, word circulated that a student had just been buried at Atan Cemetery, close to the campus in Yaba, Lagos. This prompted investigations and soon enough it was discovered that the boy, Ayodeji Sonoiki, a student of the Department of History and Strategic Studies in the Faculty of Arts had been shot and killed by gunmen on Friday, February 18, 2011."

I knew Deji through Saha but I got to know first hand he was a nice genuine person...I remember this guy and smile because I had wonderful experiences with him.
I remember the BBQ parties at Computer in the University of Lagos on the 1st of February, which was his birthday. I am bad with birthday dates but I remember his because it was that fun.

I remember when his Department was having their final year public lecture at Art Block. While those that attended the lecture were waiting for their refreshment. I was passing by with Saha and we gate crashed the event. Deji gave us drinks and snacks and we walked into the event with something to eat. While those that had been there looked at us with their hungry faces, like, how come these guys are eating before us and they didn't have to pretend to pay attention to the lecture...LOL...we no send nobody.

I remember the last time I saw him. It was the night of February 14, 2011. Yea, Val's day. It was in front of Newest Hall, he was with a girl buying "risky burger". I had to tell him that was the most romantic act I had seen, taking a girl out on Val's day to buy risky burger".

And that was it. Friday, February 18th 2011 brought his life to an end. I knew if he was around, there would have been one more party of the 1st of this month, and we would have celebrated his convocation on the 15th of February and 18th of February would have been just another day.


Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Engineer

The Admin. Manager told me the GM needed a file and I had to find it. It was a personal file of a staff that had worked in the company years ago. To get it, I had to check a storage room I had no idea existed. It was way too dusty, stuffy and hot but I had to find it...yea, those where the kind of things I did for ₦15,000 a month as a corps member. While flipping through tons of files I came across a "closed file". I had seen enough closed volumes of files but those were for events, companies, and departments, this was the first closed volume about an individual. From the title written before the name, he was an Engineer. Out of curiosity I went through the file.

For those not familiar with filing, documents were arranged chronologically, with the oldest one at the bottom. So flipping through a file took you back in time. In this Engineer's file, the first document was a letter of appreciation from the Engineer's wife, thanking the company for paying her son's school fees. The next was a document with a minute on it from the GM to the Chief Accountant to pay the school fees of the Engineer's son. Next, was a document that showed cost incurred during the burial ceremony of the Engineer, also, the amount management approved as support to the Engineer's wife. On that document I also saw the cost of transporting the body into Nigeria. From that I obviously knew the Engineer did not die here in Nigeria I kept on flipping through what would have been dark times for the family. He died of something that had to do with the heart. In the file were also pictures of the Engineer, topless, in the mortuary with cotton buds in his nose. I could see people standing around him as if you needed more than a pair of eyes to confirm he was dead.

My eyes were fixed on the half naked pictures of the Engineer. Different emotions were pouring flowing in as I saw the inevitable. I understood why someone once told me a dead man had no shame. The next documents detailed his growth in rank within the company. As I flipped through the documents, I read how he became a Head of Department, to an assistant...down to an IT Manager. How his salary "reduced" from 6 digits to 5. I read his appointment letter followed by the last document, his CV, which summarized all his achievement in 2 pages.

I noticed from this experience how one's life could be summarised in numbers. I know in people's hearts: his family and friends, he was probably more, and adjectives would be used to qualify his life. But to others his life were quantifiable in numbers. You see an obituary in the papers and below the person's picture was the name. Below that was usually numbers, date of birth to the date of date. You could also see the list of certificates and awards but our interest was how many he was able to achieve. Same with the documents I saw in the Engineer's file. Most of what I could remember after my glance were numbers. Salaries, allowances, cost of this, that, and those. It was as if it was easier for us to come to terms with the numbers in the person's life than the type of life they lived and the legacy left behind. Or maybe most of us do not leave behind something worth writing about and only deserved prayers. “May His/Her Soul Rest In Peace”.   

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Song For Everyone

It's Valentine's day, a day dreaded by guys like me because they had to spend...if girls weren't so greedy it wouldn't be such a big deal to buy (any) gift. This was also compounded by the infedility of most guys. There were so many girls to consider on this day, both the ones that played regular matches and those on bench (with the hope of something happening). I've decided to give out something...a song for (everyone). I recorded few lines of selected songs, dedicating 'em to girls. Each girl got a song that represented how I could describe our relationship and what we could make out of it. These are few of 'em.
Nina: "Don't Let Go (Love)" by En Vogue
There are just some girls who pull you close just to push you away. You feel you are dating or could date but never 100 percent certain. Yet you had to consider giving them a Val gift, hoping maybe, just maybe that might make 'em commit. So...
"what's it gonna be cause i can't pretend, don't you wanna be more than friends, hold me tight and don't let go, don't let go, you have the right to lose control, don't let go"
Chi Chi: "Always On Time" by Ja Rule
There are some girls you consider buying a gift for Val's day, not because you had an exclusive relationship BUT a FWB type. This song was the one I dedicated to her...
"And when I play you play the same way you freak me baby I fuck you crazy, Then I'm gone...Baby, I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time. And I gave you my all, now baby be mine. I'm not always there when you call, but I'm always on time. And I gave you my all, now baby be mine"
Lola: "Cluck Cluck" by The Project G and B
To be honest here, P like this isn't needed but you do it because you can. Coupled by a banging body that makes you just want to bang the body. Some guys still consider girls like these for Val because, you just never know
"I don't want to cause you compications, I just want one night of satisfaction, After tomorrow we can act like nothing happened, Take this invitation, With the metro card at the train station..."
Kofo: "Hang With Me" by Robyn
I like this girl, I really do. But she was the type of babe you had to make sure she was into you before you could risk committing into the relationship. And I was damn sure if she said "I'm ready" we would have a relationship everyone would envy.
"And if you do me right, I'm gonna do right by you. And if you keep it tight, I'm gonna confide in you. I know what's on your mind there will be time for that too, If you hang with me...Just don't fall recklessly, headlessly in love with me 'Cause it's gonna be. All heartbreak, wistfully painful and insanity, If we agree, oh, ooh, woah, you can hang with me"
Eni: "With Every Heartbeat" by Robyn
There are some girls you might consider to get a Val gift despite knowing it was over between you two. You just want to do it, probably to show there was no more hard feelings.
"...Maybe we can make it alright, Maybe we can make it happen baby, We could keep trying but things will never change, So I don't look back, Still I'm dying with every step I take, But I don't look back...We could keep trying but things will never change, So I don't look back..."
D: "Untitled" by Me
So I wrote a song and it very much relates with this girl. Well, she was married and I wouldn't want to tear up what was joined in Holy Matrimony. Yet you feel you could val someone like this on a platonic level. The song doesn't have a title yet but it is done.
"Please pass me down to your son, tell him, someone loves him more than his Dad. And when you tell him about your past, please tell him that I loved you more than his dad...cause I'm not just anyone, and I could have been the one...cause the days you spent it with him but the nights you were creeping with me, so I'm not just anyone."

Toni Braxton: "Marry Me" by Train
A guy has the right to dream, right? Mehn if I could see Ms Braxton I would still do her and we would make wonderful records in the bedroom. Cause...
"Forever can never be long enough for me. To feel like I've had long enough with you. Forget the world now, we won't let them see, But there's one thing left to do, Now that the weight has lifted. Love has surely shifted my way. Marry me, Today and every day. Marry me, If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe, Say you will..."

To ALL MOTHERS: "Hey Mama" by Kanye West
A Val that should be on everyone's recurring list.
"...Since you brought me in this world, let me take you out. To a restaurant, upper echelon, Imma get you a Jag, whatever else you want. Just tell me what kind of S-Type Donda West like? Tell me the perfect color so I make it just right. It don't gotta be Mother's Day, or your birthday, For me to just call and say (Hey Mama), I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I'm so proud of you, Let me tell you what I'm about to do, (Hey Mama), I know I act a fool but, I promise you I'm goin back to school, I appreciate what you allowed for me, I just want you to be proud of me (Hey Mama)"

Monday, February 13, 2012

RE: Grammy of the [year]

So the 54th Grammy Awards was on this weekend and obviously not all the artistes I would have prefered to win did. Like I said, it wasn't an attempt to predict the winners but these were my preferred winners. Because those artistes performed songs that had more influence in my experiences than the charts.
Record of the year - "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele
Guess it was Adele's year. "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons was my preferred record of the year.
Album of the year - "21" by Adele
There are some things the Grammys must agree with the masses.
Song of the Year - "Rolling in the Deep" by Adela.
Ok, I would have chosen "All of the Lights" by Kanye West though.
Best New Artist - Bon Iver.
Remember who won this category last year? Nope. Bon Iver might go the same way. I would have preferred Nicki Minaj
Best Pop Solo Performance - "Someone Like You" by Adele
It's hard to say "No" to this song winning it.
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance - "Body and Soul" by Tony Bennette and Amy Winehouse.
I can't believe a song by an about to die and a dead artiste won a song filled with life, "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera would have don't it for me.
Best Pop Vocal Album - "21" by Adele.
I would have preferred "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga. I know "21" was a great improvement from Adele's first album "19" BUT I got to be honest, What Gaga did with her voice on her album would make Adele have twice the surgery she had.
Best Dance/Electronica Album - "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites" by Skrillet.
I would have preferred "Body Talk pt. 3" by Robyn. Why? A dance album with soul.
Best Rock Performance - "Walk" by Foo Fighters
Foo Fighters came as a shock for one reason, they have had better materials that didn't win this. Would have gone for "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons
Best Rock Song - "Walk" by Foo Fighters.
Me prefer "Everytear is a Waterfall" by Coldplay. A song people would remember before "Walk".
Best Rock Album - "Wasting Light" by Foo Fighters.
I think I had Foo Fighters album someone on my ipod but when I had "Come Around Sundown" by Kings of Leon, I had no reason to play it. I doubt their track "Rope" had one play count.
Best Alternative Music Album - "Bon Iver" by Bon Iver.
I wanted "Torches" by Foster the People to win. I played Bon Iver followed by "Torches". Never went back to Bon Iver.
Best Rap Performance - "Otis" by Jay-Z and Kanye.
Well...Jay was on it but I would have preferred "The Show Goes On" by Lupe Fiasco
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration - "All of the Lights" by Kanye West.
"All of the Lights" doesn't do it for me at all. Yeah, I'm a Kanye fan but if you want to put all these talented artistes together, the song better be one that would be on par with "We Are the World". "I'm on One" by DJ Khaled ft. Drake, Rick Ross and Lil' Wayne was my preferred choice.
Best Rap Song - "All of the Lights" by Kanye West. I preferred him to win this and he won. For one simple reason, the other nominees didn't cut it.
Best Rap Album - "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" by Kanye West.
I wasn't surprised he won although I preferred "Pink Friday" by Nicki Minaj. In my first draft I wrote Kanye's album but had to change it to Nicki. This proved I wasn't interested in predicting who would win but who I preferred.
Best Country Duo/Group Performance - "Barton Hollows" The Civil Walls.
I preferred "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square
Best Country Song - "Mean" by Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift is one artiste I seriously don't know why she wins anything. I like her song, have all her albums, but you had to be stuck at age 16 in your life to keep believe she isn't overhyped. I preferred "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square
Producer of the Year, Non-Classical - Paul Epworth
Out of 3 acts he produced, Adele, Cee-lo, and Foster the People, only Foster and the People won nothing. Still, I would have given it to Ryan Tedder
Best World Music Album - "Tassili" by Tinawiem.
I don't even know who that was, just wanted Africa for Africa" by Femi Kuti to win.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Grammy of the [year]

The 54th Grammy Awards is on this weekend and I've decided to present my own awards using the actual nominated artistes in their categories. This wasn't an attempt to predict the winners but these were my prefered winners. In my Awards, I don't see anyone carting away more than 3 awards. The biggest winners were Adele and Nicki. And a lot of first timers, Mumforn and Sons, Foster the People, Robyn, Femi Kuti...Rick Ross.

Record of the year - "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons

Album of the year - "21" by Adele

Song of the Year - "All of the Lights" by Kanye West

Best New Artist - Nicki Minaj

Best Pop Solo Performance - "Someone Like You" by Adele

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance - "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera

Best Pop Vocal Album - "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga

Best Dance/Electronica Album - "Body Talk pt. 3" by Robyn

Best Rock Performance - "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons

Best Rock Song - "Everytear is a Waterfall" by Coldplay

Best Rock Album - "Come Around Sundown" by Kings of Leon

Best Alternative Music Album - "Torches" by Foster the People

Best Rap Performance - "The Show Goes On" by Lupe Fiasco

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration - "I'm on One" by DJ Khaled ft. Drake, Rick Ross and Lil' Wayne

Best Rap Song - "All of the Lights" by Kanye West

Best Rap Album - "Pink Friday" by Nicki Minaj

Best Country Duo/Group Performance - "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square

Best Country Song - "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square

Producer of the Year, Non-Classical - Ryan Tedder

Best World Music Album - "Africa for Africa" by Femi Kuti

Friday, February 10, 2012


Never had a guest writer but I'm glad with this being the first. Adesina Ademola author of the blog
If you like my posts then you'll like his, and if you hate will definitely LOVE his.


Disclaimer: there is a certain degree of self-awareness you must have to understand the concept painted in this piece. Also, there is a need for you to NOT be judgmental, NOT sermonize me with your responses, and NOT believe you have earned the right to relate with my parallels. All I’m asking for is your God-given ability to internalize the concept without personalizing the events. As such, if you don’t understand, I’ll understand – because this was written on glucose high!

Anti-Thesis - A person or thing that is the direct opposite of someone or something else.

A large part of my life has been spent in the pursuit of self-definition. That which a lot of people like to term “self-discovery”. While this is a noble feat in its own right, I’m afraid of what I always find at the termination of a phase (yes, self-discovery is phased – don’t act like you didn’t know). I always come to the same freaking conclusion – I am an antithesis (Google the word if you have no idea what it means)

In secondary school mathematics, SS2/3 to be exact, we go through a phase of finding the subject of a formula. I’ll be honest now; I never liked mathematics in school (secondary school + tertiary schools – yes, I attended more than one tertiary school, getting degrees in them and as such I am over-educated – sue me). The opening statement of this paragraph is to draw a parallel between finding the subject of the formula and the process of self-discovery. You are expecting to get pretty much the same equation for the subject (yourself), and match it to the formula (your life) – these are two mutually exclusive but oddly dependent constructs upon which your being is based (don’t ask me to define as well). Back to it, I am an anti-thesis. The very word anti basically means negation, non, not etc. Perhaps the simplest way to put it will be I am the embodiment of the extremes of virtually all spectra of human emotions and actions (trust me; it is the simplest way to put it!!!!).

1.      I am all for marital bliss and stability and fidelity and honesty and trust and all that good stuff that we lie through our teeth (if the devil came for people shortly before they bedded a girl ehn – boys dey go hell fire like no man’s business). But I am a jaded, cynical non-conformist who has absolutely no faith in the institution of marriage whatsoever.

2.      I’m all for being in a single relationship. I love my girlfriend, and I tell my friends to marry the girls they are with (if they feel they will make it o – I am NOT responsible for the decisions you make). I can counsel the life out of you on the joys of a single relationship. But, I have not found the gall to stay in a monogamous relationship since the age of 18 (monogamous reads I am seriously flirting and most likely unconsciously leading someone on)

3.      I like to tell people to work hard. I like to believe I have a strong work ethic, and that it helps me push through the days. But, I also like to tell people to enjoy themselves, drink, make love, make merry. You will still get away with it. And I do both very comfortably *evil grin here*

4.      I love the concept of family, I live it. But every now and then, I find the thought of solitude rather comforting. Solitude being me alone, by myself etc. But I am shit scared of being lonely.

5.      I can talk about religion, faith, spirituality etc. Was raised a Christian (still am one), but for reasons I have stopped trying to give, I loathe the current religious set-up in the country, hate their MO even more (salvation and prosperity vs. my personal fave – spiritual growth)

The scenarios are endless (I swear I’ve lost count of the times I’ve said something and done the exact opposite), which brings me to the realization of a few chilling potential explanations:

·         I am a hypocrite (I know people that don’t like me will agree to this one – tough luck, even I don’t buy this one. I’m as real as they come);

·         I am crazy!! (certain people have used this one – I occasionally believe them. Heck, this one amuses me!)

·         I am incapable of taking my own advice, but perfectly capable of giving working solutions to other people’s issues. – This one is the height of irony/paradox/whatever qualifies the phenomenon

These three explanations all boil down to a flaw I am most willing to accept in myself. I have discovered who I am (at least I tell myself I have) - and that is someone who is capable of living on both sides of the spectrum, and still find the time to be in-between. Essentially, I am an antithesis of everything I stand for, a model for what everyone could be, but never becomes. As such, I am a very reliable unstable person with a shockingly low tolerance for people’s BS!!

Now, before you get the impression that I am full of myself (surprisingly ehn, I get this one so much that I beg God for it not to be true, and then again, I say it is the work of my haters. So what if I am, whose business is it *mscheww*), I’m just saying stop, and think about it for a second. What kind of person are you? I’ve used every formula there is, and I’ve come up with the same answer every year for the last 6 years.

So there it is! Antithesis!!! And don’t worry, you might find that you are one too. It’s not so bad. Just not very welcome – now you wish you had stopped reading a long time ago, had taken the advice of the disclaimer, hadn’t asked yourself some questions and hadn’t reflected on some events in your life more than you probably needed to. Well, I did warn you, and as such, I am not liable for all the issues you just discovered. I probably just gave future therapists a few more clients. God bless counseling and psychotherapy. All the best!!!

Adesina Ademola

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Blackberry Porsche: An Expensive Phone for the Working Class

There was this Blackberry craze in Nigeria that didn't make the reaction to the Blackberry Porsche smartphone come as a surprise. Everyone (that couldn't afford it) had something to say about it. Like this message I got...
•If u hold it, U can't go hungry.
•If misplaced, it will automatically find its way back 2ur pocket.
•If an ugly person sends U a request, d request wil hang.
•U can connect d bluetooth to phcn software to generate electricity.
•It can be used as a bomb detector.(Ah,boko haram ar in troubl)
•It auto corrects Ur grammatical error (gbagaun).
•it can serve as ATM machine(only if u knw how to). •U don't have 2 pay BIS,it pings via satellite.
•It vibrates if someone is tellin lies...(4real).
•It can tell d real father of a child.
•It can detect if Ur boyfriend/girlfriend is wayward. •It is accepted as dowry.
•It can upgrade Ur GPA if U are a student.
•It can prevent unwanted pregnancy, just put it on condom mode.
•It can make Arsenal win a trophy this season and can still make Torres the highest goal scorer this season.
•It can detect which member of ur family dat posesses witchcraft. (dats goods. all witches n wizards ar in soup).
It can easily record ur dreams n replay(just read the manual)
...all because it had a price tag of almost $2,500 ONLY. Like it was that expensive. One thing I did notice was the people (especially females) desperate to get it (by that I mean force a guy) believed it would give them prestige. Like the phone was the Bentley of cell phones. I've met females who were ignorant of 95 percent of their Blackberry functions, yet they wanted this phone to impress friends they don't like.
I believe any individual must be stupid believing getting this phone meant they were rich or something, like it would boost their social status. My advice, get any of the phones listed below. Buy a phone that could pay for tuition OR buy a house and not a plane ticket.
- VERTU DIAMOND: $88,000
- VERTU SIGNATURE COBRA: $310,000 (pic above, I love this)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

You Are Only a Girlfriend, Don't get Carried Away With The Title: The Definition

While Urban Dictionary defines Girlfriend as (n.) the one human female which holds certain super-human abilities such as: mind control, mood swings, playing tired, breaking the bank, and unlimited talking, I define "Girlfriend/Boyfriend" has the person you have chosen and socially accepted to have sex with without being called names. Yea, some people would say does a relationship always have to be about sex, well, if you aren't a virgin you are not supposed to have this view. Anyway, my focus is unrealistic expectation girlfriends have in a relationship, for some reasons (known only to them) they see themselves as top priority. You know a girl for few weeks, tag her as girlfriend, and she wants your world to evolve around her.
A lot of females have called me a kid on this issue, saying I ain't ready for a relationship. That if I wanted to commit I should be able to put the babe first all the time, but that's bullshit. We all are like football Managers with people in our lives the players. If a player wasn't performing well, regardless of the amount spent on the player, you sub him and place him on the bench until he picks up. In other words, no one had a permanent starting eleven position. The importance was to motivate them, to always put in their best. I see most girlfriends, even those of my friends believing they had a permanent starting spot, all because they were tagged "girlfriend". They demand too much of what they don't deserve and when you ask why such demand, the answer would be, "Because I'm your girlfriend/ boyfriend". My response in such situation was, "You are only a girlfriend, don't get carried away with the title".
The reason girlfriends act like such wasn't because they were selfish, it was because of a "loop hole" in word definition and reality. Most people relate to objects and people according to the definition given to them. For example, if you visit someone for the first time, you feel sleepy and the person suggest you sleep in her/his bed. From the word "bed" you think it would be something soft and comfortable. You get to the room only to find out it was entirely made of concrete. You are likely to challenge the person it wasn't a bed and at that moment the only point you have to make your defence was your DEFINITION of what a bed was. Back to girlfriends and boyfriends. Most people have a definition of what they should be, caring, loving, supporting blah blah blah, but in reality are they? When you acknowledge an individual was your gf/bf, you automatically give them the qualities and expectations you have for them according to your definition.
This definition was based on experiences (personal, friends, or TV) and to be honest, I doubt anyone would fully fit your definition because most people have unrealistic expectations in their definition. So because you were the girlfriend the guy wants you to be willing to have sex everytime, give him privacy...which might not be in your own definition as a girlfriend. Same with guys, the girlfriend might define you with the qualities you would define a father.
I believe in having realistic definition and that has nothing to do with the title you give the person but one unique of the individual. This was something I developed in Primary school after realising teachers weren't always right (that obviously changed my definition of a teacher). If you are lucky to date me, don't say you should do this and that because you are this. Don't say i should tell me my secrets because you are a girlfriend. And definitely don't think I will make you the one and only in my life, because I had friends that had been there before you and I have more qualities to define them than you. Once again, you are only a girlfriend, don't get carried away with your title.

Monday, February 6, 2012

All This and Heaven


For those who don't know, I'm a great lover of music. My ipod is my wife, five years, we are still waxing strong. Songs I hear have contributed to the way I interprete the experiences I've had. Lately, one track have been ringing in my head, "All This and Heaven" by Florence and The Machine from their album "Ceremonials". You just have to hear it if you haven't and I've included the lyrics below...what a poem about how "the heart is hard to translate".

Florence and The Machine/ "All This and Heaven"

And the heart is hard to translate
it has a language of its own
it talks in tongues and quiet sighs
and prayers and proclamations

in the grandest of great men
in the smallest of gestures
in short shallow gasps

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it

I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never make sense to me at all

And it talks to me, it tiptoes
and it sings to me inside
it cries out in the darkest night
it breaks in the morning light

but with all my education
I can't seem to command it
and the words are all escaping
coming back all damaged
and I would put them back in poetry if I only knew how
I can't seem to understand it and

I would give all this and heaven too
I would give it all if only for a moment
that I could just understand
the meaning of the word you see
cause I've been scrawling it forever
but it never make sense to me at all

poor language it doesn't deserve such treatment
and all my stumbling phrases never amounted to anything worth this feeling
oh this heaven, never could describe such a feeling as I knew it

words were never so useful
so I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Bitch You Are Selfish

WARNING: If you aren't cool with profanity, don't read this. Thank you and f*ck you was you close this page.
I won't describe myself as someone who is addicted to the drug, Pussy. Yea, I probably sniff it when I eat it atimes but that doesn't mean I'm one hundred percent into it. By the way, the sniffing was for hygienic purpose. If it should smell bad then it had bacteria and that's STD (potential). Back to Pussy, I know guys who would do/say anything just to get to a girl's pussy and as long as they got it, they tolerated the babe's bullshit. Well, that's bullshit. I had a chic that I'm sure would f*ck me in my grave if my dick was erect...come rain, sunshine....the girl was a boy scout (always prepared). Always so willing to give. But, Ade had to let her go. Not because I was tired of the pussy, the girl was always rebranding. I had to let her go because she was selfish.
Yea, girls are selfish. (Any) was one of 'em, this was second. At first this babe was making me travel from Gbagada to Iyana Ipaja to see her. I had no idea her side existed but I went, not because of the pussy, I just wanted the experience. Even when she came to my place, she would want me to "walk" her to Oshodi, which was half the journey.
She was also sefish when if came to sex (sic). You might f*ck this babe 10 rounds, as long as you used a condom you never go one round. She would demand her own "first round" without a condom. I was confused at first, like, I just played full 90 minutes, extra time, PK, and this babe was disregarding my performance that I should start again. Yea, she would begged and say, "I can't believe I'm begging you to f*ck without condom, most guys would jump at the opportunity". Well, considering the state the world was in I wouldn't jump into any pussy dick first.
She also displayed her selfishness after I had an appendectomy. Few days afer the stitches were removed I still had to regularly dress where the incision was was still painful but I survived. This babe came over and said she wanted to f*ck. I was like "f*ck, I was under the knife 2 weeks ago" she consoled my manhood by saying, "don't worry it would still stand". For the past few days I had been feeding on Lucozade because I couldn't take anything solid, and this babe wanted to literally suck the life out of me. I know I'm endowed but this chic wanted to expoilt me.
Well, she had to top that and she tried during the Occupy Nigeria period. After days of strike I was down to my last N2,015, when Cash in hand equals Cash at Bank. This babe came over, opened my wallet and took N2,000 leaving the N15 for me to buy biscuit? She had the balls to tell me she didn't have change but would give me N500 out of my money (which she didn't). It wasn't about the amount, N2000 was nothing. But realising if I was down to my last, this babe felt she deserved 99 percent of it. It just proved she was selfish sexually and finacially and you don't want to mess with a chic into sex and money.
Mehn, I just have to console myself with Drake's "Trust Issues".

Friday, February 3, 2012


I was on my way home from work when I was approached by a guy in my area. He was familiar, as in, we never conversed except the occassional "Chairman, how far?" and I keep walking. This time the conversation lasted longer with him telling me about me (sic). That I was cool and all, you know (things I knew), just diligently maintaining my own lane. Like he was going to honour me with an award he told me about a girl Tito (actual nickname) and how she was the perfect girl for me. How we would compliment each other with all those ish. I have to admit this was a new height, I have had girls hit on me, drop lines, to get my number but not a guy do it for a girl I had no idea existed. He gave me her number and told me I should buzz her the next day, by then he would have talked to her about me. Imagine, even the girl had no idea I existed.
I called her (finally) and by the time I hung up I had one impression of her, the girl was rude which I included in a text message to her, why I wouldn't call her again. You don't have to insult anyone undeservingly to be regarded rude, I'm able to know if the person was close to the border. Since I don't want 99 problems and a bitch to be one, I closed that chapter after the phone call, Tito had to park well. Few hours later, she called to tell me she was in my area, supposedly to see her aunt, and wanted to see me. This girl was getting rude and relentless.
I met her, and what I can say about her physical appearance was "she looked aiit", not a striking feature, just aiit. Apparently the guy told her I wanted to date her and she came to know what I "saw" in her to ask her out. I wasn't a cassanova but I was hardly single. There were always beautiful faces around me and this girl definitely had no idea who I was to think I'll go to that (short) lenght to get her. My relationship status was similar to Jose Mourihno's managerial jobs. I might be in a relationship without the potential to last and the girlfriend(s) would keep making threats to "sack" me BUT by the time I'm single offers come immediately. Even those that ex me table new contract. I played along with the notion the babe had.
This babe told me there was 3 conditions I had to fuifil to qualify as her boyfriend. First, I had to be caring. Second, I had to be capable to provide her needs. Third, I had to...(Damn! Forgotten). Well, we had to discuss each one. I asked her to tell me the first condition again and she replied that I must be capable (I thought that was the second, anyway). Capable in what sense? This babe said I must be able to provide her needs like buy phones, clothes...all those material things. I had to ask, "what about your parents, are they dead?" This babe made a (stupid) point, "What would be the use of a boyfriend, if he can't take care of me. My parents pay my school fees and feed me, I can't ask them for everything." I told her, "apparently your parents do the most important things in your life." She said her ex boyfriends use to buy stuffs for her like phones and I told her they had to be Yahoo Guys. She couldn't defend that, Yahoo guys (temporarily) spoil business for we non-Yahoo guys, spending stupidly on stupid girls making them see that as a norm. I told her I wasn't an IT guy and I refuse to buy a phone for a girl because...then I realised she was using a Nokia 2100, those Made for Africa phones with torchlights. "Which boyfriend bought this for you because I can do better by giving you one of my phones?"
At that point she had to leave, I had enough of juvy yarns for a day. I talked to her about changing her mentality. It would take nothing to lie just to f*ck her and breakup after. She would ask why, and I'll let her know I've realised I couldn't meet up to her needs and decided to terminate the contract.
I met the guy that gave me her number two days later. I thanked him for introducing me to the type of girls I felt I left behind in the Univeristy (for good reasons). He reacted when I mentioned the phone issue and he cleared me. Getting a Blackberry had always been the girl's dream. Her ex-boyfriend/fuck mate/fulltime IT guy, got a Blackberry 9800 (White) for her once and collected it back when they fought/brokeup/stopped fucking. That really traumatised her (not the end of the relationship though but the phone). She had been trying to get back that phone but she was broke (not only financially but mentally). Another guy she met promised to get her the phone just to f*ck her. She would come to his place and talk about the phone from am to pm, she was even specific, the white one with a silver lining. The guy told her he had ordered it online and would get to Nigeria in 2 weeks. For the next 2 weeks he fucked her like her pussy was about to expire. The two weeks elapsed and he came with another format that it was stuck with customs. When he got fed up he ended the "relationship". Who would have guessed this girl won't learn. She still brought up the get me a phone ish whenever she met a guy.
The guy called the girl that she messed up with me. He later told me the girl had changed and to prove it she would f*ck me when/if next I see her. I had to pass on that offer. I'm allergic to broke girls and cheap pussy, not to mention a broke girl with a cheap pussy. Word!