25th of December, 2010

Christmas is one of the holidays I look forward to, for one it’s just a day but it’s so big the whole month of December is associated with one day, 25th. As ‘usual’ there’s the rice and chicken which at least man must taste one. Even Muslims enjoy Christmas; those I know have their Christians neighbours knock on their doors to serve them with the usual. The fact was I never got to worry about what to eat on Christmas; I just wake up late expecting the usual but this Christmas…

I woke up with the sound of my neighbours chatting, they really sounded joyful and I was glad they were up early. At least I knew it wouldn’t take long before I had my usual plate of rice and chicken plus a drink to go with it. Next sound I heard was that of their car doors, their gate, the engine, and the sound of it fade off after the gate was closed. I stayed in bed trying to rationalise what I heard. I hurried down stairs to hear from the house boy they had travelled to their hometown to celebrate Christmas. Who travels from Lagos to their hometown on Christmas day? No qualms, it was Christmas day and there was bound to be surplus food somewhere. By 1 o’clock, no show. I was stuck at home with a friend looking at each other. Everything wasn’t going on as expected. There was no Rick Dees top 40 on 96.9 Cool fm. We decided to go to the one place Christmas was bound to be celebrated.

We got to a Pastor’s house in my area, we heard from the niece say pastor don go Kwara state with his wife leaving the children behind. His kids, five of them, had to entertain us. They played interesting movies to watch, and I meant interesting movies to them. I mean, the oldest was in primary school so we had to watch Christmas sing-along, Adventures of Superbook, and…was it Iganpa Master (or something). We left there to continue our journey in search of Christmas food. I checked my Facebook page and from the status of so many people the celebrations were already in full swing. Someone even posted she had had enough to eat. I updated my situation on my wall only for me to get comments from friends suggesting I should go mama put. Even Iya Bola that I was referred to did not open for business. My friend suggested we go to his cousin’s house which was also in the same area. We got there, only to hear that the chicken was just killed. Give or take, we could come back in an hour and a half’s time.

My friend was a popular producer in the area so it wasn’t a surprise when he received a phone call about a party and there were going to be enough chops and chics. All we had to do was take okada to his house. We got to his house with our pockets one hundred and forty naira lighter but he wasn’t in. Apparently that was his mom’s house and he recently moved out. He called him and he gave us his address. We weren’t sure of the location so we had to take a bike (minus one hundred naira), at least there would be Christmas food and girls to compensate our financial loses. As we got closer we heard music blaring but we got there only to realise we were deceived by the speakers. It was just guys drinking alcohol and dancing alanta to the songs of Terry G. I did eat chicken but compared to the beer I drank, it was nothing. Initially I was counting how many bottles I had cancelled 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 6 damn! I lost count and had to start again. After pissing like half of what I drank we decided to go back home to find real food. We asked from the host our fastest route back and he pointed down the road. That was when we realised the okada we took scammed us, instead of telling us all we had to do was “take the second turning by your left” he drove us round three streets to justify the one hundred naira he charged us.

As we were walking home I knew I was tipsy but I didn’t know how much I was, at least I knew I was still walking. Suddenly I saw a naked woman fun across the road. It wasn’t like a ‘mad woman’ kind of naked, I mean, this one looked clean. I asked my guy if he saw anything he replied no. I told myself “Yes, you don dey.” I found it hard to believe that I got so drunk I saw a naked woman. As we walked further down the road we both saw the woman again, I look at him and had to tell him, “You, don dey,” for not seeing her earlier. She was walking casually on the road and everyone had a look as if they knew who she was and kept shaking their heads. To be honest, she looked fresh.

I got to my area knowing I had to eat something. Someone told me about a small get-together in his house. I opened the gate of the compound to hear prayers. I later heard it was organised by the landlord for his tenants. I was impressed. It was obvious the tenants made the landlord happy for actualising such initiative. Few minutes later the occupants were being served. I noticed some had two pieces of chicken on their plate of rice, others just one. I noticed the guy that invited me had none so I had to ask, “Guy! You know dey pay rent?” It was as if the number of chicken was determined by how diligent the tenant paid his rent. I didn’t want to be disgraced so I walked out after all I wasn’t an occupant. You know, being drunk wouldn’t be complete unless you do something ‘stupid’ and I did.

For those of you who have read this blog well you should be familiar with the name [Any], she’s a girl that stayed in my area and well she’s… (just read [Any] or Nothing). So I called this girl hoping to hear there was food at her side but she didn’t pick. I used another line after several tries and she picked. She heard my voice and stopped talking. I was confused cause the last time I had any form of communication with this girl was my birthday where she sent me a birthday text (courtesy her network that gave her five free SMS weekly). I was tipsy, hungry, and angry so I sent a text to her;

“You know my laptop has a camera, it’s not HD but it’s clear and has idle mode where I could be recording things that happen, let’s say in my room without anyone knowing. Merry Christmas.”

I didn’t send the text for her to want to pick my call, I wanted her to know the consequences of what ‘could’ happen if she pushed me to the wall. If she had replied I had only one response waiting for her, “Youtube.” I still don’t get what’s wrong with her. I don’t want to believe she was trying to discourage me from having interest in her because I have gotten that point and most important of all, Now I have [Faith]. Due to all these events, two things I learnt on that Christmas was there was no such thing as a free meal even on Christmas day and it’s never too late to ruin your day, year, or even friendship.