Monday, October 31, 2011

Honour Among Hoes

Once upon a time I stayed in a house that had two separate rooms in the backyard occupied by two professional sex workers. One was in her late thirties while the other was in her early twenties and still had years ahead of her in the game. Despite their profession I have to admit they were "decent". Decent in the sense that they don't dress skimpy while at home and portray "bad prostitute manners". Maybe it was because where they stayed was their place of recluse, no customer allowed, so they could be themselves.
The older one decided to take the younger one under her tutelage, teach her some old tricks. For simplicity I'll refer to the younger po-po as Miss. A and the older one as Mrs. B. The relationship would have profit them both if only there was honour among hoes.

It all started with a man [as always], Mrs. B knew her time was almost up and began making retirement plans which involved making a boyfriend out of her latest customer. The persona she portrayed was a misunderstood female that lived a rocky upbringing and had been taken advantaged of by men. She made what would be a mistake by inviting the boyfriend over and a meeting with Miss. A was established. Mrs. B sensed it was a wrong move but the experience she had ahead of Miss. A gave her the [false] confidence she wasn't a challenge. Miss. A observed the guy Mrs. B invited was loaded and decided to eat part of the cake without her noticing. An argument ensued the day Mrs. B noticed Miss. A's phone number on her boyfriend's call log. After the name calling and stripping all in the name of cat fight they both retired into their rooms. They were not on talking terms and for once there was peace.

The following Friday night/Saturday morning, I was in bed when I heard the scream of "Fire!". I joined the other neighbours and rushed to the backyard where we saw the room of Miss. A was up in flames. The first thing was to put out the flames, after that the question was "what/who caused it?". There was blackout and Miss. A wasn't in for the night making Mrs. B the prime suspect. But Mrs. B wasn't in either, a neighbour said he saw her go out all dressed up in the afternoon and was yet to return. It was concluded that Miss. A was the last to leave. Then I remembered I saw Miss. A's silhouette in her room late that night and I observed she had a candle on. The conclusion was Miss. A must have forgotten to put out the candle. A guy called her to inform her of what happened and she responded she would be there before daybreak. Miss. A called Mrs. B accusing her of being the cause of the fire, unaware they both weren't in. Mrs. B laughed at the tragedy & made it clear she wasn't in. Instead she was having fun with a rich man that just landed in the country.

Apparently Miss. A was sleeping over at Mrs. B's boyfriend's place. Mrs. B had told the boyfriend that she couldn't come over that day because she wasn't feeling well. The boyfriend heard the conversation and decided to call Mrs. B to ask how she was doing [or confirm what he heard]. Mrs. B claimed she was feeling better and was at home. The boyfriend asked to know if the fire did not destroy her belongings..."How did you know?" She asked. That was the beginning of another drama. Her prostitute's sense was tingling, she cleared him she knew Miss. A wasn't in and suspected he was f@*king her. He returned the service and told her what she had said during her phone conversation with Miss. A. There was no use denying, they were all being deceptive. My conclusion- Miss. A was in a hurry to f@*k Mrs. B's boyfriend she forgot to put off the candle which put her room up it flames, bringing to light there was no honour among hoes [and also a po-po can't change her ways].

Miss. A got scared and knew if she had a one-on-one encounter with Miss. B she would deal with her, beat her black and blue then back to black, back to back. That was why she involved neighbours to mediate. Girls would always be girls, both Miss. A and Mrs. B took the fight between themselves leaving the guy out. The boyfriend text Mrs. B to apologise and called Miss. A "a prostitute" that was only after his money. Mrs. B showed everyone the message with the single motive of trashing Miss. A reputation which was stupid, how the hell do you expect to trash a prostitute by calling her a prostitute? A neighbour decided to settle the dispute and called both lad...I meant females. Miss. A claimed it was the guy making the advances and she was only interested in the money as compensation for the sexual gratification she provided. Mrs. B was convinced she was lying, she was talking when Miss. A phone rang. It was her boyfriend. She answered it and placed the call on speaker for all to hear. The boyfriend trashed Mrs. B without mincing words to convince Miss. A he was only interested in her. He made a statement that almost made Mrs. B cry, he called her an "overused old cargo". Using age to diss a female was a blow way below the belt especially when the girl was alone/lonely. Mrs. B got tired of the drama in the area and moved out. She couldn't take the humiliation that came with the mockery from people especially Miss. A. She knew her intention of finding a guy to settle down with won't come from that environment.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Headmistress Granddaughter

Everyone with a typical/normal childhood grew up with playmates that consisted of both gender. They played "unisex" games, being totally oblivious to the fact that they were being comfortable and carefree with the opposite sex. Sadly for some, that would be the only time they would trust/play/be comfortable with the opposite sex [probably for years to come]. That was one of the beauty of childhood, the ignorance that brought with it bliss. One of those girls I used to play with was the headmistress granddaughter.

She was...something. I remember we were close and I got into trouble a few times because of her. I remember one time in Primary two we were all asked to get on our feet in class, she decided to lie flat, face up, in the chairs. I took one look at her and told a guy "Sleep on..." This guy RAN to report me to the teacher. Shame on him, I wasn't punished but I would be surprised if he grew up to be a 40 year-old virgin. I also remember one other time someone took/stole a book from the library, Thomas The Tank Engine, and wanted her to return it or something [my memory is kinda sketchy on that one]. I was done Primary school a year early and moved on to secondary school. A year later she enrolled into the same school but I was a year ahead. For the next 5 years we spent in the same institution we never said a word to each other. I can't explain what happened but all we did was stare at each other for 5 years. The distance was clearly visible.

Years later, after secondary school, I decided to check-up on her on facebook, I figured out from her wall, info, and photos I should be able to have a good idea of what she had been up to. I searched but couldn't find her, I wasn't surprised because I was aware of girls misspelling their names to make it cool. I decided to search for people I felt she might know to find her...luckily I found her, she was using her middle name which I didn't know and I wasn't 100% sure I got the right person.

I decided to send a message which I have copied below with the replies...

Me: Hi, are you [...]?

Me: There's no need for a reply, found out already.

Her: who da hell is this?

Me: Fuck shit. Read the name B...*ok that was going too far so I censor myself*

Her: ur sis! Get a life dude! Shuu!

Me: Sorry. Didn't mean to...really, just didn't feel your approach. Been looking for you actually for like...six months and...anyway forget it.

Her: its okay, no hard feelings darl. Sorry I was rude didnt min 2 b. Ur msg was jst kinda funny. Is this tunde adeshina 4rm primary skool?

Me: Yep

[The reply she sent did not load completely before I responded. I read...]

Her: hi dear wats good? Now wat did u
find out? Let me guess, hmm!dat i hv a beautiful...

Me: Na! It's the job of your boyfriend to do the lying...but u look good. I guess it was just about time. Just by going thru your profile I believe I know I'm not asking any questions. Uniben...Law...ok, u by any chance know any [...]

[That was when I saw the previous message she sent in its entirety]

Her: hi dear wats good? Now wat did you find out? Let me guess, hmm!dat i hv a beautiful daughter dat is gonna b 5 this yr? Or dat i tuk my life bk 4rm doz bloodsucking demons clld da [mentioned the family name] nd hv been on my own 4 almost 7yrs? Dats nt news luv, its gist. Nyways ciao.

Me: Ok your mail caught me off guard...

Her: wats re u saying? Tunde!(whispering
now) do u smoke dope? Bcos msg b as e get oh! Ko ma ye mi oh!

Me: First of all my phone for some unknown reason did not load ur entire message before I replied...den I saw the rest. If what you said is true about you then you have quite an interesting
life. Still shit happens, I know how people could could imagine d
stories I've heard. And I don't smoke dope, I have no doubt my body
would neutralise the effect...I am the epitome of 'Not Giving a Fuck'

Her: good 4 u den! Pls giv 2 shits abt your life at life at least bcos as u rightly said shit happenz. Tkre of u ciao!

Me: Damn! You have issues...take care
of yourself too. Goodbye.

The "goodbye" I said wasn't just to end the conversation but terminate any acquaintance because the vibe I was getting from her wasn't what I needed. And I definitely wasn't prepared to carry another person's cross. I figured out she might have gotten pregnant in secondary school and saw the pictures of her daughter on facebook. She was a single undergraduate mum. I respect her hustle as she tried to get educated and fulfilling the dream of becoming a lawyer. I know she is dating a guy but the issue with girls in that position wasn't finding a boyfriend but a boyfriend that would stay.
And for an unknown reason I doubt this is the last I'll write about the headmistress daughter.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Letters To Juliet: Death of Romance

I enjoy watching romantic movies...I ain't gonna lie. Despite the predictability of the boy meets girl formula I still find them interesting. Definitely, some movies stand out- Sleepless in Seattle, Notting Hill, 10 Things I Hate About You...but on average I like 'em all except one movie "Letters to Juliet". I wasn't bothered about the acting/directing. I simply didn't relate with the plot...

A girl travels to Italy with her Italian fiancé who happens to be a chef for a "pre-honeymoon". The guy is away for a few days during the trip for business. During that period, she meets a British and falls for him. Over 80 percent of the time she spent with the Brit they weren't on good terms but, the very few times they shared a laugh and kissed was enough to convince her to cancel her engagement and hook up with the Brit.

The plot took a lot of what people regard as important in a relationship for granted including commitment. It showed no matter the foundation you have "built" in your relationship, any guy [given few hours] can prove he was more in love/committed. If the girl had cheated while the fiancé I wouldn't have been surprised [no hard feelings] because that was normal BUT you don't end a relationship on the engagement bus heading to the altar for no concrete reason.
I have to admit, judging by the selfishness and unpredictability of girls, there was a possibility of it happening. I know there are girls who are never satisfied with what they had...always out for a new thing. Maybe this isn't the death of romantic movies but a new twist in romance..."Who mattered wasn't the one that took the girl to the club, bought drinks for her and made sure she had the time of her life, who mattered was the one that took her home".

Sunday, October 16, 2011

LL Cool J BET Hip Hop Awards "I Am Hip-Hop Icon" Acceptance Speech

LL's acceptance speech at the BET...awards is one of my favourite (Kanye West's "We'll Never Know" sits comfortably on top). LL's speech was poetic and inspiring.

My acceptance speech, what I won’t do is try preach
What I won’t do is assume I’m smarter than you and try to teach
What I will do is set an example, inspire you to reach for the stars beyond mars that space bars can’t delete
Because without a dream fulfilled your life’s incomplete
A hearst, a limousine without a backseat,
The worst, think Usain Bolt without feet
Real life ain't Hollywood, it’s Halloween
Every day is trick or treat
It ain't a red carpet it’s a sidewalk bloody from the wolves eating red meat
And these spotlights don’t come with money they come with police
Millionaires cry about raising taxes on the elite
They won’t feed us, as they’d rather defeat us, like an aborted fetus
But your greatest feat is to get back up on your feet
Did I mention, life aint a sprint it’s a marathon
Really stressful on your tendons and with the shape the economy is in today, you better run to the polls like skinny Kenyans
26 miles in two hours and three minutes
It wasn’t weeks or months, it took us over 400 years to raise the debt limit
So don’t lose faith, there’s a sweet life out there and one day you will taste
But just like any marathon, you must monitor your pace
And watch out for the haters pushing drinks up in your face
Maintain your focus through the ups and downs the arguments and debates
And when you win your award, make sure you put in a safe place
And be prepared for whatever...just in case.

Friday, October 14, 2011

When It Comes To Respecting Mums, Promiscuous Girls Do It Better

First time I heard the statement my response was, "Yea...right". It sounded absurd. When you consider it from the perspective of a conservative mindset, promiscuous girls were considered to be the rot of morality. They have an indiscriminate fucking habit and with it comes different exhibit of moral decadence which includes lack of respect for elders. BUT that is an assumption, promiscuity has to do with sexual habit only. Again, the guy that told me about it couldn't have said that without reason and so I thought about it. Promiscuity vs. Respect.

I was at a neighbour's place when the mum was telling him about another neighbour's daughter and how nice and respectful she was. How she always greeted her and carried her bag. Those weren't lies..she was respectful and promiscuous as well. If only she knew her son had f@*ked her in the couch she was sitting. And he couldn't claim he had exclusive access in that building not to mention the street. The Mum kept comparing every girl he brought home to the girl, she always had something to complain about. But when he brought another public bicycle home she fell in love with her especially when she offered to sweep the living room.

I've had my personal experiences that made me wonder, how do promiscuous girls have a way of getting to Mums by being respectful? Some studies say people with low self-esteem are likely to be promiscuous but I believe being promiscuous is likely to increase self-esteem because the human body self-regulates to achieve homeostasis [The human body will not urge you to satisfy a biological need if not necessary] Quite frankly, it takes a whole lot to have fucked 10 guys living on the same street and still walk with your head up high. People with high-self esteem tend to be confident and when they meet your Mum they don't just think about what needs to be done, like Nike, they Just Do It. Also they had met different mothers and they know how to relate and leave the right impression.

I also realised girls that weren't promiscuous tend to be low in confidence, shy, and not comfortable with their bodies. Probably when they meet parents they are busy reassuring themselves if they wore the right outfit and the right things to say. They also read more to meeting a guy's Mum so they comport themselves [thinking this might be my future mother-in-law] while their counterpart know it was just one of those days.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I Won't Mind Dying For You If It Meant We Would Live Together, Forever

Being romantic is creative, that's my take and I'm fucking creative...that is some girls' take. There are times where we get carried away with our creativity and get too romantic. We end up saying things we cannot do and surprisingly the person we said it to believes it to be true. Like Bruno Mars singing "I will catch a grenade for you"...he obviously said it thinking "Hey, I can never be in that situation, I mean, why would anybody throw a grenade at you in the first place?" But...what if it happened?

It doesn't have to get to the level of a grenade, what if you had to go out of your way to do something for a girl that might kill you?
My friend was in such situation. He loved his girlfriend [or so he claimed] and vowed to do always do anything to make her happy. He was put to the test when he found out the girlfriend's mom needed a kidney transplant. I had no idea how their discussion reached the point where it was discovered he was a suitable donor. Everyone had got 2 kidneys so being well-behaved health wise means you have little to worry about donating one. This girl loved her mom and finally found a solution. The guy got carried away with being the super hero to the family but when he landed back on earth...he wasn't sure donating a kidney was a good idea. The girlfriend didn't want to understand, she said everything trying to persuade him. "If you love me you'll do this/ that is the grandmother of our unborn child [as if they were married"...the line that tripped me the most was "you are selfish". Anyway, that was how the relationship ended, because the guy didn't want to give up a kidney [as if it was a lollipop]. The girl's mom is receiving dialysis in the US...a white man's kidney should arrive soon.

But seriously...why would a girl allow a guy do something that could kill him just to prove he loves her and won't mind them being together? Going back to "Grenade" by Bruno Mars, if he did catch one for the girl and he dies that is the end of the relationship.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Juju For Beginners

While my counterparts in the Western world grew up listening to fairy tales, I grew up with Juju tales. Stories of how stubborn/greedy children lived forever ever after as a yam tuber. There were no princesses, castles, or price charming. We only had witches and wizards. So I learnt collecting stuffs from strangers had grave consequences and it was best to avoid them.

Still as kids we sought way we could use juju to our benefit. The earliest I could remember was in primary school when someone fart. The "owner" didn't want to claim the mess,...someone must have suggested we find the person using juju. We got a leaf and placed sand on it. The idea was to pass it round by placing it on each other's palm. The person blows it with the mouth and if it was the person that fart, the sand blows towards the person's eyes. To be honest, the result was always inconclusive but we didn't care...we always had a way to interpret how it worked.

In secondary school, there was "the concoction". It was a cream that made students "invulnerable" to a teacher's whip. It must have been the belief that made the pain bearable because at some point I totally believed in it. Whenever a student was about to be flogged she/he would run, not from the whip...but to apply the concoction.

Years later, people around me were not involved in juju to know who fart or become invulnerable to a teacher's whip. The wanted money, women, they wanted success. Juju was used as a catalyst to get these things. To be honest I don't know anyone that I can without a doubt say used juju to achieve such things but there are stories...and there are bound to be element of truth in such.

The closest experience I had was when a family friend brought a "juju man" to my house. He was like a decade older and told me about a get-rich-quick scheme and wanted me to get a huge percentage of the "capital" which I didn't have. I was 14 then, so it was understandable. After gentle persuasion failed, he decided to use a juju man to coerce me. The juju man supposedly brainwashed me after reciting incarnation and instructed me to walk into my house and bring out anything with monetary value. As I stepped into my house I was amazed, I thought to myself, was I not suppose to be unaware of what I was told to do until I had done it. I told the people in the living room what had transpired outside and they were confused. I sat and after watching tv for few minutes I walked back out to tell them I couldn't find anything with value in the house. That was actually the last time I was disturbed about the scheme. That was no doubt a reinforcement to my trust no one belief.

Friday, October 7, 2011

You Won't Understand If God Explained

I tend to get spiritual at times, it necessarily didn't have to be the time of need but it happens. I don't have to express my spontaneous burst of spirituality by walking into a church/mosque or preaching the gospel but when it occurs I know. I remember one of those times I decided to watch one of those Christian shows [I think 700 Club], and I remember that episode well because it taught me an important lesson, we can't always understand the reason for our dilemma. Even if God explains, we might not comprehend and we shouldn't bother forcing answers.

God is great and no doubt works in mysterious ways. His ways are not actually mysterious but it has been described as such to make a point- we barely understand how His ways. Anyone can act as His vessel that would impact our lives and when we extol His blessings we give Him full credit. Like I said, we don't understand Him and we often ask questions and grow impatient especially in dire those ones that gives us sleepless nights. Some began to make demands, holding God to his words in the Bible, or even "striking deals". Like "God if you make this happen, I will never...".
But the truth is He clearly knows the difference between our needs and wants but we are to blind to see OR we see what we want to see.

Now back to the show I watched. A father was narrating his life experience on how he lost his wife and son. His wife had complications during pregnancy and had blood transfusion which helped a great deal. She delivered the child, a boy, and everything seemed great. After the calm came the storm, the wife became ill and it was discovered she was had AIDS. The infection was traced to the blood which was truly infected with the virus. The man could not understand why that was happening as he slowly watched his wife die. Fortunately he was not infected but unfortunately his son was and he had to live with the burden. He cried countless times to God, asking why such was happening. He had always been a devoted Muslims. One night he heard a voice, "if I explain, you won't understand". He doubted that, he believed he was strong in his faith and if given an explanation, he would understand. He kept on asking...

After his wife passed away his son was admitted in the hospital. He was young and in the age where kids loved asking questions. The son was in pain one night and kept asking the dad why he was going through that. He wanted to know why he couldn't play with his friends and why his mom died. The kid was asking burning questions and the only answer the dad had for him was "if I explain, you won't still understand". As he said that he remembered his own situation and it dawned on him, no matter how much he saw himself as intelligent, his level was still that of a little boy to his father. He couldn't explain to the son for the same reason he believed God couldn't explain to him.

I remembered the show today because I know so many people who have been asking God "why" lately...[That is another story].