Tuesday, March 8, 2011
KY Jelly The Disvirginator
WARNING: This piece contains sexually explicit words which you might find offensive. To be on the safe side I won't encourage you to read it.
With that said, this is my most interesting-to-write piece this year (so far). And if you get pass the warning, you would love it.
I have this belief you might laugh at my ignorance of the product KY jelly OR be amazed by my awesome 'discovery',such is life. There are some information you would never know despite your high level of intellect [or low]. I might not have known KY Jelly and its use the same way you might not have known Michael Jackson's first solo album. Now guess...You might have guessed 'Thriller' or even 'Off the Wall', but music fiends like me know he released four solo albums before 'Off the Wall'. Starting with 'Got to be There', 'Ben', 'Music & Me', and 'Forever, Michael'. So whenever you are stuck in the hot seat of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire', call me if the question was about music. Not to go off point...KY Jelly.
One of the most painful experiences for girls would have to be losing their virginity [apart from heartbreaks and giving birth]. For some reasons there seemed to be a bloody barricade. I know the mind of non-virgins reading this would have brought to their conscious how they lost theirs *wink*. Ok, I'll give you 3 seconds to think about it. 1...2...3. Anyway, few virgins that I know [of the almost extinct specie of Homo Virgis*I made that up*] that were honest enough claimed that was why they were still virgins. The pain, they believed was almost unbearable. It might be painful for them but it was damn frustrating for guys, try fixing a square peg in a round hole. Like most guys I avoided virgins cause I held the view to dis-virgin a girl took the patience of a sniper, and that definitely took the fun out of it. Shouldn't I be glad a girl was a virgin? *thinking* No! It never pays the bills, doesn't guarantee a happy life, and doesn't make you immune to cancer. They say Africans, generations ago celebrated women that got married as virgins and men sought them to marry. But, those 'women' were getting married at an early age before 12 and 13 years of age depending on their first menstrual period. Why won't they be virgins when their fruit was plucked before it was ripe physically and most importantly mentally. Today getting married at 24 should be considered a blessing. Again back to KY Jelly... so I had been lucky avoiding successfully them till I met Her.
My relationship with Her had began late in our teenage years but I avoided anything serious cause I knew she was a virgin. I knew to her that was the reason she was special but to me that was the reason she wasn't. Fortunately her family moved away from my area and there was a great sign of relief. I purposely failed to keep in touch to make her memories of me fade. Years later we met and she was looking chic. Her was exhibiting some shapes that showed she had been taking care of herself by adding and removing body fat in the right places. I had to confess, if I knew she would have turned out this good years later I would have tried...yea right? But then I knew I wanted the girl back, I knew I had the advantage. We kept in touch and after few words exchanged I was back on track. For some reasons I assumed she must have played few matches since the last time we saw but I was in for a surprise. There was a time during our conversations she had hinted she was still a virgin and I laughed while she joined me in the laugh as well. You know naw, I laughed because that was one of the most told lies by young girls of nowadays. When I hear girls say that lie I see it as an insult. It was the same feeling of being insulted I experience when a 35 years old Nigerian footballer claims he is young enough to play for the under 21 team. Anyway, the day arrived for us to get intimate.
Match Day 1: Venue, Stamford Bridge (Home)
Borrowing a couple of lines from Femi Kuti, "The kind weather na correct weather, the weather way go make your battery charge extra". She was at my place and we gisted for a while before kick-off. I knew all the Q&A was all part of pre-match conference typical of any football match. We would still have to take positions on the field. I was sort of excited and I knew I was in for Man of the Match award but seconds into the game I realised the defence was tight. As in, even if you had the skills that surpassed that of Best+Cantona+Zidane+Ronaldo+Ronaldo+Messi there was no way to penetrate that defence- it was that tight. I immediately felt stupid+angry and she noticed it in my eyes. What she first said was, "I told you naw!" I still don't know where the following words came out from in my head when I said, "Woman don't play that type of play with me". I said it like a man whose wife said something stupid like seeing their children for a loaf of bread. I wasn't psychologically or physically prepared for a virgin plus I had no tactics nor field experience to break through this defence and decided to substitute myself, this wasn't my game. She held me over her while she laid in my bed and attempted to push me in but...mtsheew, nothing. Her defence had tackled me and I was out for the next 6 hours. Besides, Determination Don't Score Goals. I looked into her eyes and I saw tears. Her hands were on my back holding me towards her and I couldn't help avoid her eyes. That was when I realised I had been treating virginity like a disease. As I looked into her eyes I felt pity and told myself I should make the sacrifice for her but not that day. Everything was impossible until someone does it.
Match day 2: Venue, Stamford Bridge (Home)
This time the pre-match conference was necessary. I needed to talk myself into it and she needed to boost my confidence. There was a little on-field training to motivate the two players involved-us. My tactics for the match was an all out attack. If I got her wet enough it would be easy to penetrate, right? I did everything I could think of. My formation was, 10 minutes for kissing, 15 for the chest area- 7 minutes 30 seconds devoted to each boob, exploiting the flanks. For the final third, 5 to 10 minutes depending on the pitch situation. You know naw, some pitch are bushy while others remain well trimmed. After all said was done it was time for kick-off. Remember on match day 1 I learnt determination do not score goals, this time I learnt Training and Formation Do Not Score Goals. I was pissed and more pissed to the fact that she was the one encouraging me, "Don't worry you'll get it next time".
Match day 3: Venue, Stamford Bridge (Home)
This time I decided to use baby oil. All I can say from that experience was If I were successful it wouldn't have reached...
Match day 4: Venue, Stamford Bridge (Home)
This time would be different and I anticipated it. I had consulted the oracle of information, Google, to know the best method to dis-virgin a girl and it directed me to the oracle of information, Wikipedia. They gave me the answer KY Jelly. I didn't believe my eyes when I read about it had been in production since 1904. I had never heard of it not to mention seeing it. My mind was now how to get it and my guess was online, probably from one of those sites and probably ship it to Nigeria. Out of being clueless I went to The Pharmacy, the same one that had been so kind to help me with Postinor. I asked her about KY Jelly expecting her not to have heard of it and her reply was, "Original or fake". I was like, "Wow! This woman is resourceful". I bought the original 300 Naira [imagine, that cheap] and I walked away as if I held gold in my hands, no, diamond.
The stadium atmosphere was calm this time and it all had to do with my oozing confidence. She smiled and I smiled back, I was winning this time. Now KY Jelly wasn't any solution, it originally wasn't intended for sexual activities. It was a surgical lubricant but the feel you get when you use it as a sexual lubricant is Legen...*wait for it* Dary. Cars had engine oil, pussy had KY Jelly. I had tested it on my skin and I noticed even when it dried up all I needed to do was apply saliva and it was back to its smooooth self. With sex it was different, no need for saliva as long as she was wet, it kept going and so it did. For once I forgot Her was a virgin even after I penetrated the defence. With KY Jelly it felt like my dick was doing the moon walk in her pussy. She was begging me to stop while she pulled me closer. She cried again but this time it was the tears of joy and I felt as good as any proud manager would. She had cum [home], from the blood[less] war...my boot filled with pride.
I thought about my previous attempts and laughed at myself. I made it. She wanted to know what happened exactly that I was able to tactically dribble through but I claimed the glory. I said, "I decided to focus on the emotions I had for her..." Something like that, can't remember but the idea was I did it out of strong affection that I had.
Well...what else can I say...KY Jelly the Disvirginator.