Sunday, December 25, 2011

Santa and the Hollywood Haram: Another Christmas Tale

Santa was feeling all hyped up as Christmas day slowly approached. Compared to the previous year he could not foresee any event that could jeopardise his spirit and the spirit he was willing to share with the children all over the world. An extra boost to his joy came when the Association of Santa's Little Helpers [the union made up by the elfs] approved several millions of Dollars to fund the once in a year event. In a few minutes he was going to sign the document to finalise the deal. Santa was initially shocked by their approval for extra funding for Christmas despite the Europe financial crisis. Last year, they had proposed a total rebranding of the Father Christmas image. They wanted someone buff like Brad Pitt [in Fight Club] and a sexy assistant like Rihanna [in her "Rude Boy" video]. But...that's all past now.
Santa stepped into the board room, his thought drowned in the applause that followed. He saw Chi clapping excitedly in a corner. Chi was the Chief Accountant of the North Pole, he was also a Nigerian. He helped Santa get to Nigeria in the previous year to save Christmas. The document he was to sign was the only paper on the table. The room went dead silent as he picked up the pen to sign above the dotted line. Every one had their eyes on the that spot as he signed "S.H.C". The silence was broken with another round of thunderous applause until one of Santa's Little Helpers asked.
"Hey Santa, what is the 'H' for?"
"That's my middle name," he replied.
"Shouldn't it be 'N' for Nicolas, St. Nicholas?"
Santa gave a smile that turned into a giggle, "My middle name starts with an 'H', Hakeem."
The room went dead silent once more. "What?" Santa asked, he was uncomfortable with the mood change and the stares.
"That doesn't sound like a Christian name to me" one of them said.
"That is because I am a muslim." The "muslim" echoed for 5 seconds in the room.
That didn't go down well with Santa's Little Helpers who were no doubt shocked. No one had an idea Santa was a muslim all these while [even You!]. He defended himself by saying he never said he was a christian, he added, "You don't see Santa walking into a church or joining a church choir to sing. I am a muslim and if you have a problem with just have to try not have a problem with that." He had nothing else to say.
The news that Santa was a Muslim went viral on all social networks. It spread faster that Beyonce's pregnancy announcement, the tweets went like this...
@JoblessTwitter: santa is a muslim and his name is also Hakeem
@mosque_boy: @JoblessTwitter i can't believe santa is a devoted muslim called Hakeem
@Ginger_girl: i just heard santa is an obsessed muslim named Hakeem
@RumourGuy: Santa & muslim is trending. So santa is a muslim. No wonder he keeps his beards like dem terrorists
@TheFact: heard santa is a terrorist named hakeem
The United States Home Land Security summoned Santa Claus. They claimed they found out from a "reliable and confidential source" called TheFact that Santa was a terrorist named Hakeem. The closing statement of the hearing wasn't good for Santa. Santa was identified as the most suitable culprit to carry out the "most terrifying terrorist act". They noted he had the best experience of how to sneak into homes, that was why he was able to deliver Christmas presents without being detected. He also had a flying sleigh that could prove to be a suitable escape vehicle. He could drop bombs in every homes that would detonate on Christmas day. The whole world supported the USA to prevent him from delivering gifts in their countries and Christmas was CANCELLED. Santa was down...his hope for another Merry Christmas was dashed.
As Santa Clause stepped out of the hearing he was approached by an FBI agent, code name: Jor Oh. Jor Oh asked Santa to walk with him and suggested ways he could clear himself. Santa was excited by the gleam of hope.
Joh Oh said, "It seems I'm the only person that understands this is a misunderstanding understood. The only reason I behaved 364 days in a year and 365 days in a leap year when I was young was because I wanted a present from you Santa. If there was no more Santa, I fear the worst for parents. Children would misbehave all year round. I'm going to tell you how you could clear your name. There is a register, a book, which contains all the names of terrorists in the world. It was called the Book of Terrifying Terrorists. All the law enforcing agencies in the world know about this book but haven't been able to find it. Their motive of having a book and all their names in one place was to identify undercover agents. If a person's name wasn't in the book, the terrorists were aware the individual was undercover. If you could get that book and your name isn't in it, which I'm sure it isn't, you would be cleared. I only hope you could make it early enough before Christmas day."
"But how can I get it? Even you admitted no agency had been able to find it."
"Santa, we just got intel the register is currently in Nigeria, a group just got recognised as terrifying terrorists so it was moved there to have their names. The name of the group is Hollywood Haram, literally meaning Western Movie is a sin. They are against every thing portrayed in Hollywood movies and believe watching it was the cause of moral decay. They have been terrorising cinemas that showed Hollywood movies for a while and now, they have the recognition of international terrorist organisations. If you want to clear your name you have to infiltrate this organisation and steal the book."
Santa gave a deep sign, "That means I'll have to go to Nigeria once again Agent Jor oh." Agent Jor oh tapped him slightly on his shoulder, "You have to do this Santa, the world is counting on you. And when you do get this book, that would be the biggest gift you can give the world. A huge blow in the world of terrorism."
Santa knew he had no choice and there was no use hesistating. With Agent Jor Oh's help, he was able to secure a flight to Nigeria and a make over that involved dying his hair and beards pitch black that made him look really gangster. The only item missing was an AK47 and he would have been fit to cross any middle east border.
Santa was back in Nigeria and he had less than 48 hours to get the book, get to the USA and get his name cleard in time for Christmas. He knew the first step was to get their attention and that was easier than he thought. Since the U.S had labelled him a threat the news spread in the circle of terrorists. Each wanting him to be their spokesperson. He responded to Hollywood Haram's invitation and was to be picked up at the airport. It was a young guy, about 21 years old that was waiting for him. He was holding a cardboard that red "Mel Gibson can't act". That was the code Santa was given earlier to know who was going to pick him up. He walked towards the guy and said, "Nollywood is the best Hollywood" which was the secret response. Together they left in a Van as they begun their hours drive to a secret location in eastern Nigeria. Santa had no idea where he was but he spotted a street sign that read "Iweka Road". "My name is Dandare," the guy said. "Mind if I call you Dan," Santa requested. "No, my name is Dandare". Santa sensed this kid was defensive. They barely talked despite Santa attempt to form a conversation.
They got to the secret location at Iweka road. Where Santa was greated by some Hollywood Haram officials. He learnt the top guy, Action! wasn't around to welcome him. Action! was only seen by full pledged members. Santa was surprised because he thought he was already one of them. One of the officials named Cut! laughed before explaining, "Santa, it is not that easy to get employed here in Nigeria."
"Employed? I thought this was just a terrifying terrorist group."
"Santa you have to write an exam if you pass then you'll be selected. There are so many people that want to join a group that chills, terrify, and get cool cash from government organised amnesty programme BUT we only have few slots. Now we have a vacancy for 3 terrorists. The guy that drove you down here, Dandare, is also one of those that would be taking this exam."
That was how Santa understood why Dandare had given him the cold shoulder, his presence reduced the probability of him being selected. "What a nice kid," he said to himself. Santa sat for the exam few hours later along with about 2000 candidates.
The first 3 questions were...
1) Who was taller between Aki and Pawpaw?
2) How many roles did Mercy Johnson act as a university undergraduate?
3) Who was more handsome Van Vicker, RMD, or Ramsey Noah?
Santa was lost...he knew he had little chance of passing and being selected until an invigilator walked up to him. He gave Santa a paper that contained the solved answers and demanded Santa repay him with $20 which he did. [Writer's note: You see, Santa isn't corrupt but desperate times called for such measures]. Santa passed by scoring the highest. Dandare was 4th, two points was what he needed to have made the top 3and would have been selected. He saw him in the corner...crying his eyes out.
They organised a party for them that night, which was also the night they would sign their names in the book of terrorists. Santa would finally have the chance to come in contact with it and steal it. The ceremony begun with the introduction of the new recruits to the main man, Action! He looked familiar to Santa but he had no idea where they met. All through the celebration his mind kept going back/forth, trying to remember where he had seen him until he was shook to reality to pen his name. He asked Cut! what would happen to Dandare and the others not selected. He was told, "We let them go and they try next year. But Dandare really wanted to join so we strapped him with a bomb and asked him to blow up a cinema that was showing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol tonight, that way he would have the honour he always wanted by being a member of the Hollywood Haram. Santa was in a fix, should he go ahead with the plan or save Dandare from getting himself and so many people killed? When he thought of the word "Killed" he found the answer to what he had been thinking of for the past few minutes.
He excused himself and snuck out of Iweka road to find Dandare. He flagged down a taxi and asked him to take him to the nearest cinema where he spotted Dandare as he was about to step into the building. He rushed to him and grabbed him by the oversized trench coat with the hope of talking him out of it. Santa was successful in doing that with the help of few clips of movies he downloaded on his way to the cinema.
Santa and Dandare stepped into the celebration at Iweka road. Action! and Cut! were shocked to see Dandare still alive. They realised Santa talked him out of blowing himself up for the sake of Hollywood Haram, Action! ordered to have them tied up, as they approached them Dandare called Acton! a liar. "Tell us why you started this group in the first place?" Everyone paused, by now the DJ had stopped the music, they all wanted to hear his response.
"How many times will I say it, Hollywood movies are bad...they teach corruption, homosexuality and all those things."
"You are lying," Dandare said. He connected Santa's phone to a computer and played the video clips he had showed him earlier. They were scenes of failed Hollywood movies Action! acted and most of the scenes were him being killed. His Hollywood roles had been limited to the blackman who got killed in the beginning of movies/series and that was what got him angry.
Action! began to confess, "It wasn't fair, I was the best actor in most of those movies and they kept killing me in everyone of them. No one gave me a chance and I vowed to destroy that industry."
Cut! felt betrayed, "So you were using us to have your revenge. So we were puns."
Action! wasn't going to take all the blame, "Don't pin it all on me, do you think I don't know you have all the American Pie movies under you bed. I've seen even some of you watch "The A-Team" intead of sleeping. None of you believed in this cause of Hollywood Haram from the day you joined. You were only interested in the work-free amnesty salary."
While they were still putting blames on each other, Santa Hakeem Claus stole the Book of Terrifying Terrorists and had a clean escape. He had a quick chat with Dandare about the joy of living for a positive purpose. He described the irony of how he was on his way to kill himself for a group that was busy celebrating and he upheld their cause more than the founder.
Santa got to United States, cleared his name and he was able to share Christmas joy once more. That was how Santa Hakeem Claus saved Christmas this year.
Merry Christmas Everybody.

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