Monday, December 10, 2012

My First ₦1 Show

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to my first ₦1 show. I appreciate you all for coming despite your very busy schedule to spend part of life your with me. As much as I appreciate it, I don't think I should thank you though. This show is effing ₦1, I mean, why won't you come. You should all be thanking me for bringing subsidy back to comedy and making you laugh for almost free. I mean, some of y'all didn't hesistate coming with your wife and concubines. Pretending to be rich and all. I bet if my show was ₦1 million I would be talking to myself in this hall. People won't want to pay ₦ 1 million to watch me, after all I'm not D'banj. I remember last December he had a show that had a price tag of ₦ 1 million for a table. That's ₦1,000,000 to sit in a furniture you won't take home. I had broke friends affiliated with rich friends who could pay and they attended. While they were probably having a good time I was asleep. The next morning one of 'em was looking at me desperate to tell me how it went. She didn't have to say it, just a look in her eyes said it all. After all, what was the use of attending such an event when there was no one you could brag to? Then I said, "People that didn't attend probably missed a great show but a pirated DVD of the event should make up for it. But those that got tables now miss ₦1 million. POW!". She looked at me one last time and walked away.

You know what, I didn't feel bad. That was life and that was the reason you had to pray for your friends to be as rich as you. That way you could share experiences. Have you ever had a friend you were richer than? I mean, mine started at an early age. I remember back in primary school I had 'em. I would have ₦1.50k in my pocket for lunch and this one kid would have nothing. It was as if his parents sent him to school to make money from peers. I probably was his bestfriend because in primary school your bestfriend had to be the guy buying you stuffs. Like most kids I was getting just enough as allowance but this kid wanted it shared between us. Now, there were times I would be interested in a lollipop and I knew if I got it this boy would give me the softest puppy eyes. Making me get him one. I don't think I was stingy but I wasn't his parent. Sometimes I would be effing hungry and would have loved to buy puff-puff in the canteen but this kid was with me. I would be all smiles inside while my stomach found nothing funny. I decided to begin to eat in secrecy. I would find time to runaway from him during break, get puff-puff, and hide behind the clinic to eat in peace. I put everything in my mouth and wipe my lips clean. He noticed I hadn't been eating and asked to know why, I told him mummy had been feeding me well for breakfast. The next day I did the same thing, during break we were on the swing and he wanted to pee. As he disappeared from my view I ran to the canteen got about 0.50k worth of puff-puff, then off to my usual spot to eat it. As I was about to put it all in my mouth I noticed someone was also there, I looked up and our eyes met. If was my friend and he also had a mouthful of puff-puff. It was a very very uncomfortable situation especually when he began to call me a liar. But you know, I had nothing to say because I was more confused.

But you had to pray for your friends, I grew up being in similar situations. My guys would say they were hungry and broke, and we walk to a buka. Everyone buys food worth ₦100 which could never be enough and I would be like, "give me the same" knowing that couldn't be enough for me. I could buy more but what kind of friend would I be. Everyone is feeding on a plate of rice with no meat while I would have assorted in my plate.

Despite all, I think I grew up well. Sometimes family members see me and say things like that. But you know what, I'm sure you've been in situations where you see a family member after a long while and they say something that sounds like a compliment but when you think about it, it was actually an insult. I've heard a family member say "you've grown so big into a man". Was she expecting me me to grow so big...into a woman, was she expecting me to have boobs and generate a pussy. Then they go ahead to ask the one question most people hate, "So where are you now?" I was literally standing before this person and he or she wants to know, "where am I now?" I understood the question though, it was to find out if I was in a position of social importance. I discovered the perfect answer to such question. Whenever you were asked such just reply, "We thank God".

"We thank God", shouldn't we? People ask if you've gotten a job you reply, "we thank God". They ask, "hope they are paying you well?", still reply "we thank God". There was this girl that gave me such answer. I discovered on Facebook she was with an airline. Her 'work' on Facebook was updated and her display picture had the name of the airline in the background. I was happy for her and told her, "Congratulations...hope they are paying you well?" She replied, "We thank God".

3 months later, this particular friend told me she was back in the unemployment market. "Months ago you were thanking God, what happened?". She replied that was training and was done with that. For the "real job", the airline posted her to their Yola station in Adamawa, with a monthly salary/stipend of ₦18,000 and no accommodation. In other words, she was to relocate from Lagos to Adamawa with a pay package of ₦18,000 per month. I asked, during your training how much were you paid and she replied, "Nothing, don't mind those stupid people". I reminded the babe I asked her about how much she was paid months ago and replied, "We thank God". You mean you were being paid nothing and you thanked God. Do you think that is God's portion for you to be paid nothing. I understand we should be greatful for whatever we have but don't be satisfied in a "job" that pays nothing. I'm not God but if I had the intention to assist someone and I ask, "How's your new job?" And she or he respond, "We thank God". I'll take it the person was in a good position and take my assistance away.

Anyway, the show must come to an end. The validity of your money must expire. See you next tima and God bless.

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