What A Wonderful Lie

One of the biggest lies would have to be "I don't lie". If every misinterpretation of fact is a lie [which I believe that is what a lie is] then we are all liars since we do that all the time. I have met liars...and I've believed some and obviously doubted a whole lot. But the fact is, [and I ain't gonna lie] lying is fun if you are getting away with it.

I had this friend who was in a gathering of university graduates. It was supposed to be an intellectual one so they began by stating the discipline they studied and institution attended. The first mentioned something like Business & Logistics at University of Michigan, the second person mentioned a university in the UK. The last person to talk was my friend....he noticed everyone had their university degree outside Africa not to mention Nigeria where he studied. He graduated from the University of Maiduguri with a degree in Electrical Engineering. If they thought they could intimidate him, he had something in store. Without flinching he said, "I studied Aircraft and Missile Propulsion at the University of Kabul, Afghanistan." Those guys believed him and to me...that was a wonderful lie. The look they gave him signified respect as he bamboozled with using terms like "applied
compressible flow and thermodynamics" to describe what it was about. I have no doubt they were thinking not only did he have a degree in a "complicated discipline" but in Afghanistan. Those guys must have good lecturers to take subjects related to that because...you know...they love bombs and stuffs like that. Also he must be fricking intelligent. One fact was if they didn't place any prestige in the discipline they studied and where they got it from, they wouldn't have been....Wow!ed.

Most guys lie to get attention from girls...I don't need to do that except I realised the girl's stupidity was less than a typical girl's average I allow her spin for a while. I was with one early this year and after five minutes I was bored with what was coming out from her mouth. It was one of those egocentric statements about how different and unique she was from other girls. I interrupted her...I told her I was leaving Lagos soon for Abuja and that I was the head of the political campaign team of the president representing the youth. Her eyes lit up...I just sat there relaxed. There were so many things I can fake comfortably but intelligence? I don't need to. I kept talking sweet political nonsense and ending statements with "...but I wouldn't want to bore you with that". Like every good magic trick, I needed to Wow! Her. I remembered I had a text message on my phone, it was one of those sent by the president's campaign organisation. Instead of a phone number as the sender it was a name, and it was the president's name. I showed her the text and the next thing that happened....[Is rated 18 SNL]. It was a damn wonderful lie.

People shouldn't be allowed to be stupid to believe such lies but they just do. And if you find anyone believing a ridiculous lie, play along for a while, let their head spin.

The Boy With The Fake Ass English Accent

It isn't a shocking news we have Nigerians that travel out of the country return with a "brand new English accent". It could be for a 3 week vacation or 4 years study course, regardless the duration they were away, they still return with an accent. They have an accent regardless of the country they visited [even if the English language was not spoken in that country they still returned with one]. A cousin spent barely 2 years in South Africa and returned with Cockney English. In case you don't know what that sounds like, if you or anyone were to fake a British accent it was most likely to be Cockney. Even Nigerians in England based in Liverpool tend to have the cockney accent instead of the Scouse accent. The way I interpret this is the desire to fool oneself in a bid to impress.

I met a secondary school classmate few months back. I hadn't seen him since our secondary school days...he was huge now and had a Beats earphone round his neck. He had girls giggling round him as they chatted while he spoke with a Cockney accent. The guy spent his childhood and most of his teenage years in Nigeria and I knew having a cockney accent had to be faked. I felt it was because of the girls he was faking it 'coz they seemed to be buying it. And I know girls are attracted to fake things- wigs, make-up, plastic surgery....a faked cockney accent should definitely fit in. By the time the girls left and I was alone with the guy and another old friend I bumped into earlier, I expected him to stop faking any foreign accent. But guy! This guy no stop. He continued to chew his tongue like he wanted us to know he hadn't been in the country since I last saw him. The guy told us he obtained his university degree in the UK [like we bothered to ask] and was in the country for the National Youth Service Corps programme which had been difficult for him to get a job placement. It would sound strange to those who had the belief that foreign trained Nigerian graduates were the top of the pecking other for Job placement. But after I heard the guy talk I knew Nigeria was moving forward by not being moved by bullshit.

The guy was initially posted to a secondary school to teach. He had a brief conversation with the Principal and his teaching career ended before it started. According to him, the principal asked if he schooled at all in Nigeria and he responded only his university years wasn't spent in Nigeria. The principal rejected him and told him it was because the students would not understand his accent. I felt the principal was convinced he didn't spend enough years in the UK to have an accent. She probably saw fakeness all over him. What he said next further made me stick to my belief he knew the accent was indeed an issue. "I won't change how I speak because of anyone, I've been in the UK and I can't come back to Nigeria and lower my standards." Etsheeeew....oshi! The same guy was rejected the second place he was posted to. The admin manager thought he was born and breed in the UK and felt he wouldn't complete the service programme. That he was most likely to find Nigeria unbearable and travel back to the UK. All these assumptions were made from a fake Cockney accent.

The typical Nigerian I know would lie he could speak Mandarin to get a job...this guy was deceiving himself he can't drop that fake cockney accent to get a job. I figured out his parents were still taking care of his ass, if not, this guy would not only switch back to his Nigerian accent but also speak pigin English join.

Ade Wrote a Love Song

I was shuffling songs on my ipod until I skipped to a love song I wrote & recorded years ago. I wouldn't confidently label it a "Love song", it was one of those songs I wrote when I was bursting with talent back in school about a girl. Her name was [W] and I have to admit, she was the sh!t. But...I was young and not as____as I am now with girls so things didn't go as I wanted. The lyrics of 2nd and 3rd verse should be enough to give you an idea of what happened.

Verse 2:
It started as a joke
First time she said "No"
Her friend said I should chill
That she needed time to think
So I waited for a week
[W] didn't say a thing
What she said in the end
Was "We could still be friends"
I just don't understand
I just can't be that man
That always understands
I got my mind
And I know you think with your heart
And if I say we compromise
Then we just won't last (won't last)
'Cause the rain will fall
And your friends will talk
And so many other things can come
To f us up
And I know this for sure
At the end of the day
One of us will say
"Na you know the thing way you dey find"

Verse 3:
Going back
To what we would be
Or what we should [have] become
Looking back
On you and me
Or how I looked at you
It has faded...
With no memory left the memories left
When I stopped to care
And I'm feeling
That if I see you...
I'll probably say "F you"

[W] never had the chance to hear the song because she changed school and I don't even know what she is up to right now. Saw some one that looked like her few days ago, we were staring at each other. In my mind I was hoping she wasn't the one, not that I was having cold feet, but as much as they looked alike the [W] I knew was way beautiful. I walked away convincing myself I saw someone that looked like her. Maybe that's why I'm not motivated to find her because I fear I might not be impressed with what I see.

Seriously, Who Voted for Goodluck? (pt. 2 Fuel Subsidy)

Disclaimer: I don't give a shit about Economics

The western world is facing financial crisis and since Africans admire copying the West, the president majority of Nigerians allegedly/supposedly voted for is considering a move that would lead to probably a double digit inflation. A move that would most likely enable us experience our very own crisis. Yea, let Nigeria be on par with Greece and other countries that need bail-out. All the Nigeria's president want to do is to discontinue subsidising fuel. There have been division if "fuel subsidy" existed in the first place or not. There is a widely accepted belief that any service provided by the government should be cheap...like health care, now we don't need the government to brag about "subsidising" health care for the masses, that is their job. They were elected/selected as [efficient] administrators of natural & human resources on behalf of the masses. All the ministries and state government are mere division of labour to enable them to be effective. The fear basically, like I've inferred above, is that removal of fuel subsidy would make price of fuel obviously more expensive. Since kerosene, PMS & diesel are essential commodities for cars, generators, and...burning armed robbers [jungle justice style], it would have a ripple effect, leading to the increase in cost/price of other goods and services. Notorious armed robbers might even be allowed to walk away free since no one would be willing to sacrifice fuel.
And a lot of Nigerians are finding it difficult to manage their finances as it is. We all pray to see the new year but knowing commodities would be expensive 1st January 2012 is not a way to begin it.

The removal of fuel subsidy was first mentioned during the presidential debate prior to the presidential election earlier this year. Apparently he failed to attend and no one knew his opinion on the issue. That was a question I was curious to know his answer since I had a strong belief he would win [as much as I didn't want him to] because not only do we have majority of Nigerians living below the poverty line, but their intelligent quotient as well. People kept clamouring about him being the chosen one...
After his proposed 6-year single term tenure, nuclear power plans, and fuel subsidy removal all in less than a year, I have a feeling we have a lot more shockers in his years to come. His supporters better get use to him chilling in Aso Rock, because impeaching/removing him won't be as easy as he is going to remove fuel subsidy.

Honour Among Hoes

Once upon a time I stayed in a house that had two separate rooms in the backyard occupied by two professional sex workers. One was in her late thirties while the other was in her early twenties and still had years ahead of her in the game. Despite their profession I have to admit they were "decent". Decent in the sense that they don't dress skimpy while at home and portray "bad prostitute manners". Maybe it was because where they stayed was their place of recluse, no customer allowed, so they could be themselves.
The older one decided to take the younger one under her tutelage, teach her some old tricks. For simplicity I'll refer to the younger po-po as Miss. A and the older one as Mrs. B. The relationship would have profit them both if only there was honour among hoes.

It all started with a man [as always], Mrs. B knew her time was almost up and began making retirement plans which involved making a boyfriend out of her latest customer. The persona she portrayed was a misunderstood female that lived a rocky upbringing and had been taken advantaged of by men. She made what would be a mistake by inviting the boyfriend over and a meeting with Miss. A was established. Mrs. B sensed it was a wrong move but the experience she had ahead of Miss. A gave her the [false] confidence she wasn't a challenge. Miss. A observed the guy Mrs. B invited was loaded and decided to eat part of the cake without her noticing. An argument ensued the day Mrs. B noticed Miss. A's phone number on her boyfriend's call log. After the name calling and stripping all in the name of cat fight they both retired into their rooms. They were not on talking terms and for once there was peace.

The following Friday night/Saturday morning, I was in bed when I heard the scream of "Fire!". I joined the other neighbours and rushed to the backyard where we saw the room of Miss. A was up in flames. The first thing was to put out the flames, after that the question was "what/who caused it?". There was blackout and Miss. A wasn't in for the night making Mrs. B the prime suspect. But Mrs. B wasn't in either, a neighbour said he saw her go out all dressed up in the afternoon and was yet to return. It was concluded that Miss. A was the last to leave. Then I remembered I saw Miss. A's silhouette in her room late that night and I observed she had a candle on. The conclusion was Miss. A must have forgotten to put out the candle. A guy called her to inform her of what happened and she responded she would be there before daybreak. Miss. A called Mrs. B accusing her of being the cause of the fire, unaware they both weren't in. Mrs. B laughed at the tragedy & made it clear she wasn't in. Instead she was having fun with a rich man that just landed in the country.

Apparently Miss. A was sleeping over at Mrs. B's boyfriend's place. Mrs. B had told the boyfriend that she couldn't come over that day because she wasn't feeling well. The boyfriend heard the conversation and decided to call Mrs. B to ask how she was doing [or confirm what he heard]. Mrs. B claimed she was feeling better and was at home. The boyfriend asked to know if the fire did not destroy her belongings..."How did you know?" She asked. That was the beginning of another drama. Her prostitute's sense was tingling, she cleared him she knew Miss. A wasn't in and suspected he was f@*king her. He returned the service and told her what she had said during her phone conversation with Miss. A. There was no use denying, they were all being deceptive. My conclusion- Miss. A was in a hurry to f@*k Mrs. B's boyfriend she forgot to put off the candle which put her room up it flames, bringing to light there was no honour among hoes [and also a po-po can't change her ways].

Miss. A got scared and knew if she had a one-on-one encounter with Miss. B she would deal with her, beat her black and blue then back to black, back to back. That was why she involved neighbours to mediate. Girls would always be girls, both Miss. A and Mrs. B took the fight between themselves leaving the guy out. The boyfriend text Mrs. B to apologise and called Miss. A "a prostitute" that was only after his money. Mrs. B showed everyone the message with the single motive of trashing Miss. A reputation which was stupid, how the hell do you expect to trash a prostitute by calling her a prostitute? A neighbour decided to settle the dispute and called both lad...I meant females. Miss. A claimed it was the guy making the advances and she was only interested in the money as compensation for the sexual gratification she provided. Mrs. B was convinced she was lying, she was talking when Miss. A phone rang. It was her boyfriend. She answered it and placed the call on speaker for all to hear. The boyfriend trashed Mrs. B without mincing words to convince Miss. A he was only interested in her. He made a statement that almost made Mrs. B cry, he called her an "overused old cargo". Using age to diss a female was a blow way below the belt especially when the girl was alone/lonely. Mrs. B got tired of the drama in the area and moved out. She couldn't take the humiliation that came with the mockery from people especially Miss. A. She knew her intention of finding a guy to settle down with won't come from that environment.

The Headmistress Granddaughter

Everyone with a typical/normal childhood grew up with playmates that consisted of both gender. They played "unisex" games, being totally oblivious to the fact that they were being comfortable and carefree with the opposite sex. Sadly for some, that would be the only time they would trust/play/be comfortable with the opposite sex [probably for years to come]. That was one of the beauty of childhood, the ignorance that brought with it bliss. One of those girls I used to play with was the headmistress granddaughter.

She was...something. I remember we were close and I got into trouble a few times because of her. I remember one time in Primary two we were all asked to get on our feet in class, she decided to lie flat, face up, in the chairs. I took one look at her and told a guy "Sleep on..." This guy RAN to report me to the teacher. Shame on him, I wasn't punished but I would be surprised if he grew up to be a 40 year-old virgin. I also remember one other time someone took/stole a book from the library, Thomas The Tank Engine, and wanted her to return it or something [my memory is kinda sketchy on that one]. I was done Primary school a year early and moved on to secondary school. A year later she enrolled into the same school but I was a year ahead. For the next 5 years we spent in the same institution we never said a word to each other. I can't explain what happened but all we did was stare at each other for 5 years. The distance was clearly visible.

Years later, after secondary school, I decided to check-up on her on facebook, I figured out from her wall, info, and photos I should be able to have a good idea of what she had been up to. I searched but couldn't find her, I wasn't surprised because I was aware of girls misspelling their names to make it cool. I decided to search for people I felt she might know to find her...luckily I found her, she was using her middle name which I didn't know and I wasn't 100% sure I got the right person.

I decided to send a message which I have copied below with the replies...

Me: Hi, are you [...]?

Me: There's no need for a reply, found out already.

Her: who da hell is this?

Me: Fuck shit. Read the name B...*ok that was going too far so I censor myself*

Her: ur sis! Get a life dude! Shuu!

Me: Sorry. Didn't mean to...really, just didn't feel your approach. Been looking for you actually for like...six months and...anyway forget it.

Her: its okay, no hard feelings darl. Sorry I was rude didnt min 2 b. Ur msg was jst kinda funny. Is this tunde adeshina 4rm primary skool?

Me: Yep

[The reply she sent did not load completely before I responded. I read...]

Her: hi dear wats good? Now wat did u
find out? Let me guess, hmm!dat i hv a beautiful...

Me: Na! It's the job of your boyfriend to do the lying...but u look good. I guess it was just about time. Just by going thru your profile I believe I know enough...so I'm not asking any questions. Uniben...Law...ok, wait...do u by any chance know any [...]

[That was when I saw the previous message she sent in its entirety]

Her: hi dear wats good? Now wat did you find out? Let me guess, hmm!dat i hv a beautiful daughter dat is gonna b 5 this yr? Or dat i tuk my life bk 4rm doz bloodsucking demons clld da [mentioned the family name] nd hv been on my own 4 almost 7yrs? Dats nt news luv, its gist. Nyways ciao.

Me: Ok your mail caught me off guard...

Her: wats re u saying? Tunde!(whispering
now) do u smoke dope? Bcos msg b as e get oh! Ko ma ye mi oh!

Me: First of all my phone for some unknown reason did not load ur entire message before I replied...den I saw the rest. If what you said is true about you then you have quite an interesting
life. Still shit happens, I know how people could be...you could imagine d
stories I've heard. And I don't smoke dope, I have no doubt my body
would neutralise the effect...I am the epitome of 'Not Giving a Fuck'

Her: good 4 u den! Pls giv 2 shits abt your life at life at least bcos as u rightly said shit happenz. Tkre of u ciao!

Me: Damn! You have issues...take care
of yourself too. Goodbye.

The "goodbye" I said wasn't just to end the conversation but terminate any acquaintance because the vibe I was getting from her wasn't what I needed. And I definitely wasn't prepared to carry another person's cross. I figured out she might have gotten pregnant in secondary school and saw the pictures of her daughter on facebook. She was a single undergraduate mum. I respect her hustle as she tried to get educated and fulfilling the dream of becoming a lawyer. I know she is dating a guy but the issue with girls in that position wasn't finding a boyfriend but a boyfriend that would stay.
And for an unknown reason I doubt this is the last I'll write about the headmistress daughter.

Letters To Juliet: Death of Romance

I enjoy watching romantic movies...I ain't gonna lie. Despite the predictability of the boy meets girl formula I still find them interesting. Definitely, some movies stand out- Sleepless in Seattle, Notting Hill, 10 Things I Hate About You...but on average I like 'em all except one movie "Letters to Juliet". I wasn't bothered about the acting/directing. I simply didn't relate with the plot...

A girl travels to Italy with her Italian fiancé who happens to be a chef for a "pre-honeymoon". The guy is away for a few days during the trip for business. During that period, she meets a British and falls for him. Over 80 percent of the time she spent with the Brit they weren't on good terms but, the very few times they shared a laugh and kissed was enough to convince her to cancel her engagement and hook up with the Brit.

The plot took a lot of what people regard as important in a relationship for granted including commitment. It showed no matter the foundation you have "built" in your relationship, any guy [given few hours] can prove he was more in love/committed. If the girl had cheated while the fiancé I wouldn't have been surprised [no hard feelings] because that was normal BUT you don't end a relationship on the engagement bus heading to the altar for no concrete reason.
I have to admit, judging by the selfishness and unpredictability of girls, there was a possibility of it happening. I know there are girls who are never satisfied with what they had...always out for a new thing. Maybe this isn't the death of romantic movies but a new twist in romance..."Who mattered wasn't the one that took the girl to the club, bought drinks for her and made sure she had the time of her life, who mattered was the one that took her home".