Appendix Friends

I have lots of useless people in my life...like appendix useless, just there with no useful function. Like your appendix the only thing they cause is pain and by then you have no choice but to cut them off. I call them Appendix Friends...and everybody have one, two, three, damn! Like malaria they keep coming back, and stronger. They are always there when you take that decision you now regret and they attempt to reorganise your L.I.F.E, twist the "F" and "L" for them to read you easily like a FILE. Some date them and say all those romantic bullshit to 'em. Those are the Appendix boyfriend/ girlfriend...useless as an airconditioner on a bicycle. Like books, these appendix friends deserve to be in the back, yeah....where appendix was meant to be, way after the important stuffs that have meanings.

Too bad most of my appendix friends were females...I have 99 problems and they all bitches...and good for 'em that they all know it. Imagine this...no, don't imagine because I lived it. A girl know you are interested in her and after talking your blah! Blah! Blah! Sh!t She asks you for your friend's number. A guy she happened to meet once and had no interest in her. This guy never mentioned her and as his friend I would have known but he NEVER decleared 1% interest. I gave her the number...least she would get fucked. Then she twists it and claims I'm acting somehow...bitch please?

I witnessed appendix friends at its best when a company retrenched some of her workers...these appendix friends were willing to save their asses and acted shocked and sympathetic when their supposed friend told 'em they were fired. Life is bullshit no doubt but these appendix friends bring it close to your face to make the stench be a constant reminder.

I wish I could tell you to pray against appendix friends and it would all be OK buy Jesus Christ had an appendix friend, Judas...and see how he ended up.

Survival of the Fittest...Fitting into the Crowd

I was walking down a street and I heard a sermon about "Survival of the fittest". About how Charles Darwin had suggested in his theory of evolution we should get rid of the ugly/fat/weak/smelly/dumb people to increase the chances of giving birth to "better" species. Probably in years to come the ugliest/least desirable humans would look like Denzel, Brad Pitt, and Beyonce with the intelligence of Stephen Hawking. Those weren't the specific words but that was the basic idea. They simply criticised the Law of Natural Selection Charles Darwin proposed from a religious angle.
I thought about it...in theory, getting rid of the least desirable humans should have its benefit BUT who determines who is not desirable? Who decides on who was ugly and shouldn't be allowed to have an offspring since he/she's genes contains "ugliness". The most important question I asked myself was "Did Charles Darwin propose that?"
In the song "Diallo" by Wyclef Jean he sang, "Survival of the fittest, only the strong will survive..." I have to make it clear at this point Darwin didn't coin the phrase, "survival of the fittest". It was Herbert Spencer. Others who related this phrase to the work of Darwin got it twisted. Some even reference Darwin on the Nazi's extermination of the Jews. He said "law of natural selection" not "law of discriminatory selection". The survival of the fittest in his context where those who best adapt to their environment.
Adaptation is very important...if you fail to, you get weeded out by the laws of natural selection. Take for instance you lived in an area close to a coast...you would have a better chance of survival if you could swim. When you bring that idea in a social context you would realise following the crowd might be the best way to fit in and survive. After all, what people say you are isn't who you really are. Take music for instance, sometimes a musician might have sing the kind of song he doesn't like to have a hit. Especially if the kind of song was what was reigning. I know a group of people might not be comfortable with "following the crowd" but majority indeed carries the vote. They determine trends and you just have to learn to fit in and when the majority decides to change to another trend you follow.

Sack Letter...Original Collected By Me

There were times I wished my posts were Super Story and not experiences that involved people's lives. Those were the ones that didn't make me smile...the ones that evoke emotions that all I could say was, "Well, such is life."
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Anyway....some us of grew up believing we had special powers. As kids, our minds...imagination, had no limit. I believed I had the special ability of premonition...that sensation absent of any stimulus of something unpleasant was about to go down [the details would be for another post].
I was on my way home from work and had this sensation the building where I worked would be on fire. For some reasons [unknown] I believed it. But the thing about premonition was that there was little to nothing you could do to change it from happening. I got to work the next day and saw the unusual appearance of police-men in the compound. My thoughts went wild, did someone attempt to burn the building...you know, stuffs like that. Stepping in, the only thing unusual was the dull mood...it clouded the atmosphere. Minutes later I realised massive retrenchment was taking place. It was then I realised what the premonition of "fire" in my building meant. It definitely set people's hearts ablaze and no one had an idea who would stay and who would go. The GM locked himself in the board room alone and refused to see anyone. If anyone attempt such...well, police-men were on duty for the day.
The first staff that got his letter was a man I admired. He loved his work, he was so passionate about it that he gave me a speech about it once. The importance of placing love of work over money. He walked into the Admin department with pending documents and told the admin officer that he should contact him whenever his replacement needed assistance. He was the first I saw sign on the acknowledge copy of his sack letter, "Original copy collected by me on Friday, 9th of December 2011." It felt like cementing the date in your heart and literally using one's hands to accept rejection.
The next set of people that got their letters made up a department. From the HOD to the secretaries, they all got the boot. The HOD wasn't around to personally receive her letter. The other person that didn't turn up switched off his phone [as if that would change any thing]. Things became quiet for a while to the point we thought the dust had settled then the GM summoned the admin manager and demanded more people were to leave. One of the staffs that had been sympathising with the ones that got their letters earlier had to be one of the ones consoled this time. At this point the tension increased. For the first time I saw some of the staffs use the toilet...the rate of toilet use was so high that for the first time the floors were dirty. As in, they had to release the tension. People that never used the office toilet to piss used it that day to sh!t.
The fact that no one saw it coming [that's my opinion] put people in the position to rationalise and I began to hear gists of happenings I had no idea was going down. Like 2 months ago a staff decided to retire...just like that. It was unexpected [that was my own opinion]. I heard [no be talk am] the reason a staff was given the letter was because he used to have sex with her. Both of them had their respective spouse, kids...everything to constitute a family but that didn't stop them from having extra-marital affairs. The "couple" were caught serveral times and the woman decided to retire, hoping her action would prevent the termination of their appointments and continuation of their sex romp. Her husband found out and pleaded with the management to get rid of the guy...and now, he had his sack letter.
There weren't the only ones involved in office romance that got letters. I had no idea one was married with kids until that day...damn! She was endowed and the guy that was fucking her? I couldn't blame him. I wrote about this guy once on "How To Annoy Your Boss". He was the one reading how to online. I can't believe I didn't think of that "sleep with a co-worker that your Boss [might] admire". Guess he finally got what wanted.
One lady got a letter and she had to be the biggest shock [to me], luckily, hers was one of promotion to fill up a managerial position. I was happy for her.
I learnt so many things on that day, and one of them was a fact of life- expect the unexpected. As I saw some of the [ex] staffs clear their tables [ASAP] I noticed none had planned on doing so anytime soon [if at all]. Their workplace had been their second home. Take for instance a receptionist that sold top-up/recharge care/credit card [depending on your country]. She had debtors in the office and virtually all her debtors were given the boot including herself. She was on her way out when then phone on her rang and for a moment she paused...then walked out. Virtually all of them said "this is they key to MY office/desk/car" as they signed out.
As for me...I had to see ALL their faces as I recorded the company's *ID cards and other possession they dropped.

Beggar With A Swag

Those of you that live/work in Ikeja, close to Computer Villiage, might have seen this...this sophisticated Beggar [not even sure I should call him a beggar]. This dude is the Lasgidi version of the Naked Cowboy in New York. The dude is blind [at least that was his claim to beg] and wears coloured fashionable suits like the one in the picture. Unlike some low class Lagos beggars, he has a stool to sit, just in case he needs to rest his legs after a long day's work. The height of the stool makes it difficult to look down on/at him because he maintains close to the same height with when he was on his feet. He also has a stick to support his hand as he leaves his palm wide open for people to drop alms. This beggar with a swag doesn't have to pray for you. Sometimes he was busy gisting with his friends, like that guy shining a shoe behind him. That guy polish his shoes too. There was another guy in-charge of his pedicure but he was busy working elsewhere during this photo shoot.

I'm not trying to jack this guy's swagz but why on earth do people give him money. Obviously he isn't a millionaire [then again, maybe he was] but this guy looked comfortable. The best dressed Nigerian have got nothing on him. Did I mention I saw him with a phone once, he wasn't PINGING though. That might be because his hardworking friends, like the one polishing didn't have money to buy a Blackberry so he had no one to add to his BBM.

WEMA Bank...Big, Strong, Re...oh! That's Union Bank

So few minutes ago I was in Wema Bank, I don't bank with them but had to deposit some amount into someone's account. I already had the perception the staff were old and slow and guess what...what?...I wasn't totally proved wrong. They were slow alright but not that old. By the way, I'm referring to the branch at Ikeja close to "under bridge". I stepped in and the first thing I noticed was the floor was littered with sweet wrappers. It looked like a playground. Apparently the bank left sweets in a bowl on the counter as part of "customer service" but forgot about waste bins to dispose the wrappers. So, trust dirty Nigerians...impatient to get rid of wastes.

I'm a kind of person that is happy when I'm in the presence of beautiful people. And by that I meant people that wear the most beautiful outfit called a SMILE. These guys were too damn moody plus they had two pregnant staffs who made sure the environment was gloomy. One "good" thing I noticed was the equality amongst the staffs...It was difficult to distinguish a cashier from a cleaner especially the females. Their hair was unkempt and EVERYONE [except one] used a rubber band as a hair ribbon. Wema bank operates what they call regional banking so they don't exist in the Northern & Eastern Nigeria...only here in the west. I'm guessing that was the criteria for recruiting because Yoruba was the language of communication. Everything about the bank felt wrong...I have this feeling it extended to their customers.

A lot of them were impatient...like they had to save the world. Even Jack Bauer had 24 hours to save the world but a minute to these guys was like a year. One woman had an issue with accessing her account. She was asked to provide any form of identification which she gave. The customer care representative asked her name and she said, "Iya Toyin". She said she needed her full name + surname. She said Iya Toyin Adebanjo. The rep was confused...she confirmed her surname as Adebanjo. The name she gave didn't match the one with the account so the rep asked if she opened the account before she got married and she replied, "Yes". She requested for her maiden name but the customer had no idea what "maiden name" meant. So she explained that would be the name she was called before she got married. She replied, "Bisi". By the way the customer care rep was pregnant and didn't find it a bit funny. She told her to tell her her father's name and guess what she said...Baba Bisi. The rep got tired of the guessing game and told her the name on the account and made it clear the name didn't match the one on her identification card. She responded by saying the surname on the account was that of her first husband and the rep never asked the name she used to open the account, true. The man beside me kept dissing the bank on their incompetence...by the time he got to the cashier he was told he didn't write the account name on the withdrawal slip. He blamed the bank slip's design for not noticing that. In the end he was asked, "Are you expecting money in this account?" Meaning "Guy...you no get bar for your account". The guy stammered a bit and was directed to the floor manager.

As much as I might have dissed Wema bank that wasn't my intention. Just unfortunate my first experience in a branch outside the University of Lagos was...but damn, the bank sucks.

I'm a Marriage Virgin

I was commenting on a blog [www.ladyngo.blogspot.com] the post was about waiting to have sex on your wedding night...you know, stuffs that would interest/motivate virgins. That was when I realised something...it doesn't matter if you were a virgin or not, aborted, of even gone platinum rounds with your sex life. The fact/truth was your wedding night would be the first time you would have sex with your wife/husband.

It reminds me of a saying, why try so hard to survive- you are never going to leave this world alive. The similarity I see is that you put so much effort to achieve something despite the fact that the outcome can't be changed. So now you know, but I don't expect you to agree with me. Even if I've gone all positions with my chic, our wedding night would be the first time I have sex/make love to her as my wife. So technically why should I save myself for a wife when I know we would be our firsts on the wedding night regardless. I'm a marriage virgin.

Police is [Not] Your Friend

I once told a guy we don't waste our time convincing anyone of the obvious, it won't even cross our mind. If you see a mother talking to two of her kids and tells one of them "make sure you clean your room" while the other received a smile. That was a giveaway that the one she smiled at had no problem with getting the room cleaned up. This is why I don't believe in the unofficial slogan of the Nigeria Police, "Police is your friend". As in, if it were true and Nigerians had no issue with the police there would be no need in trying to convince the public. A lot of them are corrupt because they are broke and exploit the position of power they were in. I'm sure every Nigerian would have their tale of how a policeman messed up their day [or life].

Now imagine my shock/surprise this morning as I boarded a bus and by my side was a policeman with a book on his laps. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't surprised that a policeman could actually read BUT the book was titled "Human Rights" by Israel John. I used to think policemen didn't know jack about human rights...I mean, the word didn't exist to them. I kept staring until he became uncomfortable and put the book in a bag. In my mind I was thinking this was a new dawn in the Nigeria Police...reading about human rights.

On my way home this night I noticed a crowd gathered with everyone shouting. Initially I thought someone passed away but as I got closer a friend told me a policeman came to arrest a guy in my area. He pointed at a car surrounded by a mob where the policeman sat in front with his gun in hand. The guy that was arrested occupied the back seat, in the middle of two other men. He added that it was a friend of the guy arrested that invited the policeman to settle a "dispute". The "dispute" was the most stupid I've heard. A friend arresting a friend for sleeping with his girlfriend. Initially the friend was ashamed to say it when the crowd demanded to know the crime his friend committed. He kept on saying it had nothing to do with money until he lost his cool and blurted what went down. Apparently the girl had been sleeping with his friend for the past 3 days. If he had even been there earlier he would have met his girlfriend "ridin' dirty". Before the guy got in the car he slapped the policeman because he took it as a joke. That angered people more, if the police were called during a robbery they would have taken their time like a diva preparing to go on a red carpet evert. Now they showed up armed to arrest a guy for enjoying himself. The girl also resides in my area....she was one of those girls that put smiles into the faces of lonely men. The chic was definitely not one to take home to your mama, friends...in short, take serious in a relationship. As the drama was taking place, the girl who was at home kept calling the guy by my side if the policeman had left. She was staying with her Uncle and didn't want the drama to be brought to his door step.
I can't even believe a policeman came armed and prepared just to arrest a man for sleeping with a girl. This so contracted what I so that morning. But...it's alright, Nigeria we hail thee.