February 2012: What? Why? How?

February 2012 would be over in a few hours but there are questions it failed to answer and hopefully March 2012 would.

First, matters arising...


• We still don't know those who constitute the Cabal


• Tevez apologised and remains a Man City player.


Now for February questions...


• When will Howard Webb ref a Manchester United game without a controversial decision?


• When will the ad-hoc committee set up to probe subsidy payments make an arrest?


• With the new policy of posting NYSC members to rural areas, does that mean more corps members being posted to the North than Western Nigeria?


• How come I haven't met an Adele fan that knows any of her songs excluding "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You"?


• Will Chelsea FC & Arsenal FC make it to the next round of the UEFA champions league?


This isn't a question, R.I.P Whitney Houston and Giringory. Your careers died long before you did though.

When NYSC Posting F*cks You Up

I believe I'm correct in my assumption that almost everyone based/schooled in Lagos state desire to have their Youth service in Lagos. The remaining few would be those that were raised by very strict parents and in dire need of freedom, they simply want to be far away from their parents. NYSC posting was done at random but this was Nigeria, with money (all) things were possible. People decide to influence where they were posted by sorting whoever claimed could help. Other depend on their father's friend's junior sister's husband that worked in Abuja and knew someone that worked in the NYSC Lagos state secretariat to influence the posting to their desired state. Fact was no one was 100 percent certain the state they were being posted until they had their call-up letter and it read "LAG". This was usually less than a week to when they had to report to camp and if your connection worked, and you had been posted to Lagos you would be full of joy. If not, if your NYSC posting fucked you up, your few days before reporting to camp would be a rollercoaster of emotions. Even those that wanted to leave Lagos would feel down realising they were posted to Adamawa, where they had to take a 23 hours bus ride, while their friends would board a ₦100 bus to camp from Oshodi. I would know because I was in the situation.

If you expected to be posted to Lagos and you were not especially with your supposed connections and money spent, the first emotion you experience would be disbelief. Yea, the same emotion you experience when you hear someone close to you was dead. If you checked it yourself, you re-check. If it was by someone else you tell them, "stop playing, this is serious". By the time you come to terms with reality, you called whoever you paid to work it for you to tell 'em it didn't click. You call the person every 15 minutes to express your disappointment until the person begins to reject your calls. Some call their parents, with anxiety sipping through in their voice, telling them "It is not Lagos it is..." Yep, that was the point you realise you didn't know much about Nigeria. Your next action was to look for the other state you were posted to on the Nigeria map. It was then you'll realise how big the country was.

You begin to consider redeployment and everyone would tell you the same thing. You need to report to where ever state you were posted, complete the 3 weeks orientation camp. During that period find an opportunity to redeploy. They tell you redeployment was easy and all you needed was a medical report stating you had a life threatening condition. Asthma, Epilepsy, Leukaemia...sh!t like those. In the few days you had before reporting to camp you begin a journey to find the medical report from a federal hospital. With money you'll find. Some even get the printout of an EEG scan. At this point you begin to learn about these life threatening conditions because you were made to believe at one point you would face a panel in camp. The panel would interview you to determine if you were being honest or not by asking you questions. So if you claimed to be epileptic you had to talk the talk and look it (if being epileptic had a look). You had to know the names of the drugs and how to use it. You find yourself learning so much about it they might as well give you a degree.
Babes could redeploy if they were married or pregnant and had to be with their husband. A babe once used her brother's picture as that of her husband. That way the fake marriage certificate she got would explain why her surname was still the same. About the pregnancy as an excuse to redeploy, goodluck faking that.

The few days left would be used for preparation. Since you had now come to terms you wouldn't be having your NYSC orientation in Lagos camp, you had to pack more stuffs to wherever you were going. You begin the make phone calls to find people also reporting to the same camp. Even an individual you hardly talked to during your university days would be your best friend at this point. You also had to prepare for a journey. If you had to travel to a non-western state, you had to book and pay for a ticket. Flight or road, there would be scarcity of seats for the first few days. You learn one more thing from the number of people reporting to camp. Nigeria had a high number of students that graduate every year.

The day before you leave for camp, you pack your stuffs and probably call your friends. I doubt you'll call those reporting to Lagos camp because you might feel they betrayed you by not connecting you to their link. Truth was, it wasn't their fault but that was what happens when NYSC posting fucks you up.

How I Met Your Mother

I've a been (un)fortunate to meet guys that were mother fuckers (sic)...like seriously, these guys would f*ck your Mum. I know, it might gross you out but the word "cougar" won't exist if there weren't women that preferred fucking younger guys. And don't be mistaken to assume it was a western thing, this happens everywhere.
I know a guy, quite huge for his age. For some reasons (I have no idea) mothers love him. I might be walking down the street with him and while I say "'sup" to girls he would be exchanging plesantries with the Mothers. At first, I saw it as being respectful but when a mother begin to tell the daughter to invite him over, you have to guess something was wrong.
One other guy I knew met the daughter before the mum. The girl invited him over when she was home alone only for the mother to walk in on them...gisting. The daughter expected the Mum to flare up for inviting a guy over, instead she sat there and joined the conversation. She began to give the guy her best sexy look. Fast forward to days later, he was fucking the Mum and the daughter. The mum had the balls to tell the guy, "I know you are fucking my daughter but she can't be as sweet as me".
I don't think fucking older women is strange, What I do know is that I wouldn't f*ck a woman that was too old and might as well type, "No user serviceable parts inside" on her forehead.
I know there are people who would confidently say their mum (or grandmum) can't do such, even they wouldn't if they were married with kids. I won't try to prove you wrong, you must be young to think that. Look at it this way, when you were 10 years and you were asked your age you probably replied, "I am 10 years old". Same when you were probably 20. Now imagine being 30 to 40 years, the "OLD" begins to have literal meaning when you say it. By then you would have forgotten the last time you heard "You are beautiful". When a yound chap walks into your life and says it, believe me, you'll want one for the road.
A woman in my area preferred fucking a young neighbour while her husband was away. I'm fucking straight but I have to admit the guy was effing handsome. Sometimes she would sneak out with an excuse of buying provisions and go for a quickie. The guy wasn't only making her feel young but was also teaching her new tricks, like how to smoke marijuana. She made her feel young. The husband walked in on them one morning after a U-turn from work and caught them red handed. What followed was tears. Yea, he was crying. To be honest, when your wife was fucking a younger handsome guy you had to admit your validity period had expired. By the way, the marriage was still intact. All she had to do was go to her hometown for months and the guy was banned from residing on the street. I know guys like these would have something interesting to say to the woman's kids about "how I met your mother".

Iya Titi's Family Business

I remember on my way to primary school I used to stop at Iya Titi's shop to buy biscuits, sweets, Gogo...you know, that kin thing. It was that big and the contents of the shop could be way less than ₦50,000. On my way to work today I realised Titi had taken over the family business. That's like 15 years later. Titi was now being called Iya Seun, after her first child, by the kids who came for school supplies. I saw it as a beginning of an empire, that's if her daughter Seun decide to take over from her Mum.



Not all families could have the type of empire built by the Okoya, Folawiyo, and Dangote, but anyone would be good in this generation where most people don't know what they would love to do. I know people that have acquired degrees, Masters, aiming for Ph.D and still had no idea what they would like to do for a living. They turned being a student to a fulltime occupation.



For Titi a.k.a Iya Seun, having a family business to inherit no doubt had its merits/demerits. The downside circled round if she wasn't interested in selling buscuits and sweets for the rest of her life. The good thing was she had something to do while she figured out something, after all she was now the MD/CEO. While someone like me the future of me and my kids' was in my hands (what a pressure).

After All This Time/ TuFace Annie

Contains lyrics from "After All This Time" performed by Simon Webb.
My first reaction realising TuFace Idibia proposed to Annie Macaulay and she accepted was "Bitch, Please!" This was a guy known for his promiscuity plus his proposal was days after it became news one of his baby mamas was expecting another one. One more thing, he proposed in a night club. That shows how romantic he was after getting tipsy. This guy had the balls despite numerous fucks to propose and the (desperate) girl said "Yes". She went ahead to broadcast her joy on Twitter, "I serve a living God". Like seriously, I know God works in mysterious ways but I don't see it as a blessing a guy proven with multiple offsprings to be sexually irresponsible proposes. In my opinion, it shows desperation on the babe's part to get a Mrs. degree OR LOVE.
I was taking a walk with my ipod on shuffle when "After All This Time" came on...

"After all the broken stones
That were thrown for no good reason
Inside she's loving him still
After all this time

And though her heart bares the scars
No sign of healing, it's all right
She's loving him still
After all this time, oh yeah

Trying to push the past away
Still waiting for the lights to change
She'll try, try for the sake
Of their pride, pride

Learning to barely feel the pain
Thicker the skin, the less the strain
And though it's really hurting
She ain't breaking, breaking, breaking

'Coz she's loving him still
After all this time...".
Yea, after the first verse and chorus, Annie Macaulay came to mind. It was a perfect love song for their situation. Despite the ups and downs, she was loving him still, after all this time. It was a great force that no one would understand except them. I have been (un)fortunate to know people who claim to love the wrong guy despite abuse. It baffles me when they get an engagement ring and glow with joy because they saw marriage as the promise land. As if it was a REWARD for the heartache they had experienced in the hands of the person proposing. Maybe that was how Annie saw it.
BUT, I don't believe in that kind of love. Annie was desperate, tell 'em Ade said so. Her reaction after the proposal showed she desperately wanted a "and they lived happily ever after" in her relationship and I doubt it would happen. I'm expecting TuFace to knock up another lady. Probably their house maid if they had any, IF they got married in the first place. I don't care if you've won 10 Grammys (which he hasn't), if you lack self-control (which promiscuity is a sign) you can't get down with anyone close to me.

With that said, TuFace is from Benue state. Benue is known for high infection of HIV/AIDS.

Put The Blame On The Cameraman

Who was to blame for an ugly picture? The photographer behind the lens or the person in front of the lens. There were times I heard women complain to photographers that he "didn't snap me well", well, who was to blame? As in, doesn't a camera make it possible to replicate visual reality. If that was the case then free the photographer from any sort of blame. Thanks to technology we now have Photoshop to distort reality. For those who makeup failed to give them their desire look, computer generated imagery was the solution (at least on paper). For that smooth even toned skin, big breast, and sparkling white teeth.
There was this woman, she was a typical example of why men shouldn't get carried away with pictures. Her photos told huge lies, a master deceit. On pictures she could compete with Beyonce, no jokes. But in reality...LOoOoooooL...Damn! She was the sh!t (literally). It was as if her parents somehow raped each other to conceive her. There was no joy in her looks. So it was understandable why all her pictures were photoshoped.
There was this man that got her Blackberry PIN and had been chatting with her on BBM. He had no fucking idea of how she looked outside her display pictures and he already confessed his love. Even if he was lying (which I hope for his good), the day he sees her in person would make him realise he had been played. You can't f*ck this (unless you were high on crack cocaine...maybe).
Anyway, that was her personal business. Who am I to judge? An issue came up though, people had to submit there full length pictures for security reasons. She submitted one of her sexy photoshoped pictures and it was refused. The officer looked at the picture then her face...no resemblance. He asked, "Is this your picture?" She nodded. That was when the officer said, "I can't take this". She demanded for a reason which the officer found difficult to respond without being offensive. I understood the situation, if the picture was used on posters in the unfortunate event of her being missing (or wanted), there was no fucking way she would be found even if she stood beside one of the posters. The only thing the officer could say was, "erm...the background, it's too bright. Let me use my phone to snap you now and I'll print it later". The lady responded, "And I told that cameraman o, that the background was too bright".

One Year Gone: Deji Sonoiki

"On Tuesday, February 22, 2011, word circulated that a student had just been buried at Atan Cemetery, close to the campus in Yaba, Lagos. This prompted investigations and soon enough it was discovered that the boy, Ayodeji Sonoiki, a student of the Department of History and Strategic Studies in the Faculty of Arts had been shot and killed by gunmen on Friday, February 18, 2011."

I knew Deji through Saha but I got to know first hand he was a nice genuine person...I remember this guy and smile because I had wonderful experiences with him.
I remember the BBQ parties at Computer in the University of Lagos on the 1st of February, which was his birthday. I am bad with birthday dates but I remember his because it was that fun.

I remember when his Department was having their final year public lecture at Art Block. While those that attended the lecture were waiting for their refreshment. I was passing by with Saha and we gate crashed the event. Deji gave us drinks and snacks and we walked into the event with something to eat. While those that had been there looked at us with their hungry faces, like, how come these guys are eating before us and they didn't have to pretend to pay attention to the lecture...LOL...we no send nobody.

I remember the last time I saw him. It was the night of February 14, 2011. Yea, Val's day. It was in front of Newest Hall, he was with a girl buying "risky burger". I had to tell him that was the most romantic act I had seen, taking a girl out on Val's day to buy risky burger".

And that was it. Friday, February 18th 2011 brought his life to an end. I knew if he was around, there would have been one more party of the 1st of this month, and we would have celebrated his convocation on the 15th of February and 18th of February would have been just another day.

R.I.P