[Any] or Nothing

Prologue

Dear [Any]

This isn’t a love letter, it isn’t a poem either. This is a piece of my heart & believe me, I didn’t need a surgeon to place it on paper, these are my words rooted from my thoughts

This one is called “[Any] or Nothing”

Call it blasphemy but of what profit is it to a man if he could have any chic & not the one of his dreams.

I’ve had those dreams & I’m done with wishful thinking, now, I want the real thing;

It’s [Any] or nothing

I won’t say I love you, no, but heaven knows I’ll love to. Can’t promise we’ll end with ‘I do’. But with you I do want to begin something new.

So...what are we, I mean, you gonna do. Cause as for me it’s either [Any] or... nothing

[Add ‘a’]

feeling, like, love, greatness

You can’t learn to fly a rocket in one day, the truth is you can actually spend years learning how to build one (know how every component work and fit together) and still never get to fly one. That is how relationships are. You cannot learn all you need to make it work in an average lifetime and even if you do that does not mean you are going to have a happy one. Relationships are more than what you select on your Facebook relationship status, the closest description there to reality would be it’s complicated, always. This is why there are times I wished love (which a person might want in a relationship) was like a 500 watts bulb with a switch. That way YOU decide when you want to fall in love and when you are in love, you and everyone around you sees it and testify that you are in love. But no, that isn’t the case; we have to convince ourselves that we are in love, convince the other person, and then have to convince our friends that WE are in love. This short story is all about [Any] a girl I can swallow my manly pride and say I’ve loved and I was willing to do anything to have that feeling reciprocated.

She made the first contact. I had failed to recognise her but she called for my attention that day. If I could perform some Butterfly Effect stunt that would be the moment I would have loved to change or not. But the fact was that day changed it all. I turned and saw her standing there claiming to know moi (French for me). OK, but I don’t know you, I was myself then. How could I describe myself then? You know when people who are yet to taste cocaine talk like it’s all easy to withdraw from its addiction, well, I had similar [ignorance] confidence when chatting with any chic ‘cause I knew I wouldn’t fall for you or maybe it was because I was yet to fall for anyone. Apparently we knew ourselves after she gave me a piece of the past. I had to admit I was bad with recognising faces. As I walked away I had this feeling, not a physical one, but one I could describe as love at first sight (Kylie Minogue, ‘Love at First Sight’). She seemed all innocent and I was loving the possibility of getting lost in it. I was convinced that would be greatness. It should have been easy to approach her and tell her how I felt but I hardly saw her. During those times I was daydreaming in my head how our relationship would work, first kiss, first everything. I had built such fantasies that if I expressed how I felt and she wasn’t interested in a relationship, it wasn’t only a rejection of me but also these dreams I’ve had that seemed so real to me.

confidence, beauty, break-out, needs/wants

[Any] was a walk in the park, if the park had a surface area twice the size of Africa. Several times I got lost and I knew that when she said No! Several times. That meant I can’t go out with you. If I wanted 50 missed calls on her phone all I had to do was call her 50 times. I wasn’t Prince Charming but I thought I was charming and at least that should have counted for something. I saw myself lacking some things so I set out on a quest to find those qualities I needed to make this work, to make her say yes. It was worth the effort and I wasn’t going to give up. I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more: just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at [her] door (Proclaimers, ‘I’m Gonna Be’). My quest was like Clash of the Titans [not the remake] where I met different girls and my involvement with each of them taught me something new. First I met a girl which I would call Desperation (Des for short). Des was not all that, if she was one thing it would be not being all that, but she carried herself in such a way that you would think walking beside her was an honour. ‘Was on my journey and perceived her walking by my side and taunting me. Mommy’s boy, Can’t you represent? She kept blabbing and at a point I felt she was right. I omitted to say all she wanted me to do was to seduce her. I thought about it then, if a girl dared you to seduce her then she was open to the idea. All I needed was the confidence. Let us just conclude that I got an experience point (The Sims) in confidence.

The second girl I met had her name in Hope so I would refer to her as Hope. Hope was beautiful, nice shape, nice everything and at one point I was tempted to end my quest. With beauty what more could I ask for. So far my experience point was in confidence so it shouldn’t be difficult getting beauty. But beauty was all she was. I could understand how a man could mistreat Halle Berry and cheat on Cheryl Cole [who I might add decided not to fight for her love]. Beauty only was like generic flakes in a Kellogg’s pack, it wouldn’t take time to know that wasn’t the real thing. I gained another experience point, beauty wasn’t everything and I had the confidence to back it up.

My quest was making sense now, I was beginning to realise what I lacked that made [Any] to keep turning me down. The next chick that approached me had money (yep, she approached me). That was when I realised confidence attracts people to you and if you are not attracted to surface beauty and treated everyone the same, the beautiful ones come after you. This chic expected nothing from me; she had it all and was willing to make it work. I learnt money can never sustain a relationship, I also realised the fear when only one party was contributing to the relationship. And for the first time I felt like I was imprisoned by my conscience. One night I gathered all my experience points and ran. One more experience point; if you can’t break-up, break-out. Breaking-up involves using your heart; breaking-out is using your head.

Quick recap, I had acquired experience points in confidence, beauty, money, conscience, and breaking-up [breaking-out]. The next chic I met could be compared to a TV commercial, you know it wouldn’t be long but you want to get over it fast! But I did gain experience points in wants vs. needs and an important question that made the choices of girls I went for easy. [Clear throat] Should I go for a girl because I can get them or I like them? If it is because of the first reason then do what fishermen do when they catch fingerlings.

Three years later my Odyssey was over, I had dated, rated, mated, and hated all kinds of girls and I was about to face the reason I started in the first place, It was [Any] or nothing. It was either her or no one else. Tell them all I know now, shout it from the rooftops, write it on the skyline… tell them what I went for was the impossible (Shontelle ‘Impossible’).

music, persuasion, black XS

I loved music so it was no surprise that the first discussion I had with her after my quest was based on that. I mean, I listened to most genres and you can’t possibly say something based on that that I wouldn’t be able to relate. It had to be gradual, it had to flow; thanks to Blue October ‘cause that led to the green light for me to once again declare my interest. During the conversation I was calm but confused after I brought up the formula that would equate us. She began to make some calculated moves which I should have been making. Until her hell no turned to no then maybe. OK it didn’t happen that fast but it was eventful still...

[Any] saw me as deceitful while I was just a fool for her. The one thing we agreed on was the fact that for the past three years I had declared interest in her but what about my motive? She considered my coming after her after these years as a bet which I was desperate to win. But you see, if my feelings were like a 500 watts bulb I’m sure her reaction would have been so when are we walking down the altar. So I had to convince her that my feelings were genuine. I had to put my heart aside and use my head. My heart was being irrational and telling me true love overcomes everything. I had to apply the laws of efficient persuasion. First was the message; I had to make her understand the feelings I claim to have was unrelated to whatever the people around me thought. Second the speaker conveying the message; after my quest I had scars of the battle I have fought so I wasn’t squeaky clean if you know what I mean. I had a heck of one history in her story. I needed a speaker, someone to use their image and influence to pass the message. Unknown to me someone had been watching and told her I appear to be a future world leader and a great guy. Someone else saw the honestly in my feelings, whoever you were my wish for you in life is the success Michael Jackson attained before and after his death [worth billions]. Anyway, she asked me to walk her home one day while she talked; she hardly talked so I sensed something was up based on what was going down.  I walked, she talked until we were in her house, my first time. Her speech was incoherent and I understood what was happening. It wouldn’t be easy for her to declare her interest about us being an item considering what she had put me through. I had to act ignorant even when I knew she was already convinced I liked her, Can you at least give me the chance to [disappoint] you I said, I had to appear I had no idea where she was heading. As I stepped out twenty minutes later her words were but it is not official. I was confused like I said earlier because she seemed to have liked me all this while but was waiting for someone to approve of me.

So we remained unofficial till we... I mean, she was in a perfect position where she would eat her cake and have it and that was where I should have sensed something was wrong. All because I had said I liked and an opportunity to disappoint her [which I wasn’t planning to] put me in a position to do as much as I can to push her over to the official corner. But for her anytime she messed up her reaction would be remember I said it is not official. I was being scammed. I did everything I could honestly and did them without regrets to win her over. I found myself in a position where I wasn’t even expecting anything from her and that situation seemed familiar to me, wonder where?

Her birthday was approaching and the only object I felt she deserved was an E-Class, yep, a Benz. But come ‘on I couldn’t afford the miniature. I later settled for something random Paco Rabanne Black XS. You see, I had a gift where sometimes I knew how certain events would play out and that had helped me in making right decisions. Now my mind was telling me to end the whole thing immediately I gave her the gift. For the past two weeks she had been hot n’ Cold (Katy Perry). I didn’t even wrap it because why should I care considering my next proposed action. I didn’t get to see her that night, she went out to have fun with people close to her [excluding me] while I had to keep calling to know where she was. And all she kept saying was I’ll soon be back until I began to snooze.

The next day I woke up bitter but a smile came on my face. I was going to end this confusing relationship.  That evening, I gave her the perfume and she liked it, maybe it was an act but she knew more about it than I did and appreciated my effort. I had to google it the next day to confirm if what she said about it was true, it was. She made me feel I was in the right direction. She sprayed it on me and said now we have something that binds us.  My earlier intention now had doubts because she acted all romantic. Everything was going on well that the only thought going through my head was am I suppose to leave you now, when you are looking like that (Westlife). That was when I reaffirmed my decision, it was [Any] or nothing. I was willing to like her for who she was, good or bad, it only made her human.

[Any], nothing

One thing out of the thousand other things I liked about her was the way she carried herself. I perceived her as someone who knew what she wanted and how to get it. That made me comfortable a bit because all I had to make sure I was part of her plans her and I was insured going for the ride. The closer I got to her I realized an aspect of her personality camouflaged beneath her sense of self-confidence and security. She had esteem issues especially with body image. From then on I decided to tell her every day that she was beautiful. As days passed I became less concerned with labeling what we had and looking after her. I also saw her as a time bomb and I wanted to be there for her when she exploded, it was so obvious she hadn’t been happy for a long time. That was when I realized my behaviour changed from a potential boyfriend to a brother.

[Any] had never been to my place and the first time she came around she decided to sleep over. Turkey + Chips + Smirnoff ice= A party for two. Keep this in mind, we weren’t in a relationship (according to her), just friends. I attempted to heat things up but she cooled me down and I protested not. I had fun, we laughed, danced, and for the first time she made me happy. As I was about to sleep she began to educate me on how to seduce her. Telling me how to turn her on and things I should have done. Instead of wondering with my head I should have wandered with my hands. Behind her ears, her neck, her… She was good but should friends be doing this. She changed the script and began to describe how she would seduce me in practical. My rude boy was so hard [Rihanna, ‘Rated R’]. She was on top of me and said you can have anything you want this night all you have to do is show me you really want it. Apparently she wanted me to be masochistic, call me slow but with the feelings I had for her I wasn’t going to treat her like a bitch, heaven knows. She decided to give me a blowjob. That was one job I had been clinically unemployed for a while. As her head was descending I stopped her, I had to and it wasn’t because we were friends like she claimed. We hadn’t even kissed and I wasn’t going to allow our first intimate contact be her going down on me… I can’t believe I omitted this, we don’t even hug, I’ll be lucky enough to shake her, so you might see reason my decision for not allowing that. I don’t know if she hated me afterwards but I can look back and pat myself because I made sure we both left there in the morning with our confidence intact [sounds gay, you should have tapped that ass]. It became clear to me that she was in a period of her life to have fun and experiment with her sexuality. And to do that I guessed she decided with someone that had liked her and wouldn’t exploit her ‘cause like she said you are different from other guys because whatever you do involves true feelings.

The days that followed brought with it frustration. I could no longer understand her reason for still maintaining the unofficial status. I had given her time to know me. The best way to describe our relationship at this point was in the movie ’50 First Dates’. No matter what I did in a day didn’t seem to affect the next. It was like I had to start all over again and again and again and again and… you get the point. Finally she changed the status but it wasn’t one that called for excitement. She said open relationship. It was a slap to my face. Apparently she was still on her quest. She told me about a guy she wanted to punish emotionally and about her ex. Her ex was her first love and had exploited her emotions, he was back. Drama was building everywhere while ours was crashing fast. I won’t pretend that I was all nice. I had used words including mean, ass, fucked, to describe her. But unlike her I apologize after all even fun rides like roller coasters have ups and downs. She wasn’t ready to forgive. Looking back I guess it was all to make me lose interest in her. Probably I had overstayed my welcome in her life. And honestly it felt odd because the one person I could give the world wasn’t ready to give a hug. Like a beautiful song we began to fade out, everything changed to how it started; her having another 50 missed calls. Maybe I didn’t gather enough experience points or maybe I gathered too many experience points, whatever, the point was I ended up with nothing. When heart breaks it don’t break even (The Script, ‘Breakeven’). I know she would find a guy that she would like more than she liked me but I doubt there’s a guy out there that would like her half as much as I do.

monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday

MONDAY

Do you want me to quote a bible scripture about forgiveness, love, empathy etc I miss ya, don’t know if you do & I’m even confused if I was even there [in the first place] to be missed.

TUESDAY

I’m sorry. It’s just [that] I’ve fallen in love with you.

WEDNESDAY

I’m sorry for being myself & saying things you find offensive. I’m also sorry for believing I can make you love me.

THURSDAY

Good morning

FRIDAY

Even fun rides like roller coasters have ups & downs.

SATURDAY

I’m sorry for everything, u mean a lot to me, you mean everything to me and it hurts that you are being mean to me. Please pick.

SUNDAY

I know you have loved and been hurt before, so you must know how I feel. But you got over it, so that gives me hope. One thing I’ve learnt is NEVER to put anyone that truly likes me in these shoes ‘cause I want to prove a point.

Blue October Picking up Pieces

I really need to talk to you

I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through

I wanna be your perfect stick of glue

But I don’t feel perfect at all

Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversation

I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away (no)

It’s not you it’s strictly me in this situation

I’m wondering will it ever go away… just go away (still)

Sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

Perfecting how to put the game face on

This puzzle I’ve been keeping has been in hiding creeping out of the closet door spilling out onto the floor

 How long will I be picking up pieces?

How long will I be picking up my heart?

Epilogue

I won’t deny that I still think of her and what we would have been if the relationship had played out like the ones I have lived a thousand times in my head. If we might have gotten married and have daughters that would have looked just like her. When you have got that who need sons? Spoil her silly and finally give her a Benz for one of her birthdays. Gees, I would make her shine. BUT we’ll never know. One thing I do know is that she gave me the most valuable experience point; Love. Maybe my quest wasn’t to get her but to acquire what so many people lacked; Love. I thought if I didn’t get [Any] I would be left with nothing but instead I got something much more that has inspired me and open up doors I never saw. So instead of saying goodbye, or good luck, or when you see my face hope it gives you hell (All-American Rejects ‘Gives you Hell’) I know the best words are thank you.