The [D] Project: REALLY, Time To Go (pt. 11 of 13)

Part 1: [Any] Needs A Favour 

Part 2: This Is [D] 

Part 3: Adventure of a Homeless Girl 

Part 4: You Can Only Lie With Words

Part 5: Some People Don't Want To Be Happy  

Part 6: Our Skin, Our History 

Part 7: Pot Calling Kettle Black
Part 8: Will You Marry You? 
Part 9: The Date
Part 10: Time To Go 

Once upon a time in 2011, I allowed a girl live with me in my room for what was supposed to be a few days. The plan was she crashed with me till she got her own apartment. Her name was [D], a chic that looked like sex from the south-south. Although things ended up like... I look back at that period to realise I learnt a lot. That period is known as The-[D]-Project.

[D] had stayed with me almost one month but it felt longer. By then I felt I should gear her up into finding a place of her own. It wasn't that we were clashing due to the wide difference in our personalities, but I wanted to stick to the deal. The whole arrangement was supposed to last 2 weeks tops, it had been almost a month and it seemed she wasn’t putting in effort to move out. I asked her how far she had gone with finding a place and she tried to play the emotional card. All those "you think I'm happy staying in someone's house blah blah blah..." I decided to accelerate things up a bit, if she wasn’t going to find a place I would do the search for her. I made a few phone calls and a friend assured me he was leaving town in a couple of weeks and could drop the keys to his place for her to stay for 8 months...FREE. That was fine by me except I would have to still accomodate her for 2 more weeks. Her aunt had already given her N100,000 to get her own place which I felt was the best option. There was nothing like her having a place of her own, considering the personality she had, so I urged her to keep searching. Whichever came first, she definitely would be out in 2 weeks. 

She began her own apartment hunt and found few places but the one that caught her eye would cost her N150,000. It was a new building in a nice location. She found other cheaper ones but insisted she wanted that one she couldn’t afford. I told her to stop being choosy but this babe would turn it to something else and say I was kicking her out, trying to leave her homeless. She said things that would make a Mr. Nice Guy feel guilty, I wasn’t. She assured me she would raise the money. Without my knowledge [D] asked my family members, I had to find out from ‘em and put a stop to that. If she needed extra fund she would have to contact HER family. I found that totally unacceptable but to her, it was nothing wrong. 

She returned from work one day with a pair of shoes that cost N20,000. She claimed a guy that admired her at work got them for her. My response was didn't you tell him you were homeless and would rather get cash. She vexed as expected. I didn't care because it seemed she wasn't ready to leave. The girl had been broke for so long that having N100,000 cash to spend on a single purpose was difficult. She confirmed my fear when she smiled and said, "You keep telling me to leave and find a place, don't be surprised if I stay here till I finish my service year". Which by the way was almost 9 months. 

She went out one day with her aunt and returned with Brazilian hair extensions. She had the balls to tell me she used part of the money supposed for the apartment to buy the product. She also got a piece for her aunt. The annoying part was the way she said it, like she had no choice but to spend the money. She said the aunt had been nice to give her N100,000 for an apartment and thought the best way to express her appreciation was use part of it to get Brazilian hair for her. She did that with the knowledge of being short of the amount needed.

She really thought I was always nice. I didn't know how, but I knew this babe would be out of my house in less than a week.

Part 12: You Can't Please Anyone 

The [D] Project: Time To Go (pt. 10 of 13)

Part 1: [Any] Needs A Favour 

Part 2: This Is [D] 

Part 3: Adventure of a Homeless Girl 

Part 4: You Can Only Lie With Words

Part 5: Some People Don't Want To Be Happy  

Part 6: Our Skin, Our History 

Part 7: Pot Calling Kettle Black
Part 8: Will You Marry You? 
Part 9: The Date

Once upon a time in 2011, I allowed a girl live with me in my room for what was supposed to be a few days. The plan was she crashed with me till she got her own apartment. Her name was [D], a chic that looked like sex from the south-south. Although things ended up like... I look back at that period to realise I learnt a lot. That period is known as The-[D]-Project.

[D] had stayed with me in my room for a couple of weeks and I was yet to make any sexual advance. Yea she looked like sex, we slept in the same bed and all, but I wasn't attracted to her enough to take any chance. I had guys who thought I should have tapped that ass at least, on the second night but I don't do my things that way. I also had the belief if I did make any sexual advance and she responded positively, it would be difficult to get her to leave my room. I had my privacy at stake and no babe/chic was worth it.

If she wanted to take her bath I stepped out of the room and just let her do her thing. During the first few days she would lock herself in because she believed I would walk in to see her naked. She said a guy had done that in the past and attempted to rape her (then again, what haven't a man tried with her). She probably got tired or realised I wasn’t motivated to attempt such and stopped locking the door. She also stopped waking me to leave my room whenever she wanted to bathe in the mornings. It seemed she was comfortable around me.

This girl that once said she wasn't attracted to me told me she felt something for me. She claimed it was only naturally that people that lived together to have feelings for each other, especially a guy that was caring. She admitted she found me attractive but the reason she couldn't date me was because I was still a child. I was like, "I thought it was because your Pastor said I wasn't the one".

One day she asked me the last time I had sex. Truth was I made sure I didn’t play any match with her around and she must have thought...iono, maybe she just wanted to know. I downplayed the question, I felt uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going. She was getting too comfortable. But she believed I had been deprived of sex.

From that moment she turned to a "follower" of Sigmund Freud and used sex to explain all my actions. If I change my position in bed she would say it was because I was horny and suggest I call my girlfriend. She suggested I massage her ass by standing on it (this was possible because it was huge) and take pictures of her in bum shorts and all that. One night she asked me if I was turning in bed because I was horny and I replied I was cold and she moved closer by resting her head on my chest. Minutes later she said she was wet but I did nothing.

As I was about to leave for work that morning and she said she would give me a kiss if I waited for her so we could leave together...I waited. Days that followed, she began to cook and do all those things when I pressed ‘Pause’. I asked myself, wasn't this girl supposed to have been in her own apartment by now? Her aunt was back in town and had given her N100,000 to get an apartment and this babe was playing house just to get to stay.

It was time to go.

Part 11: REALLY, Time To Go 
Part 12: You Can't Please Anyone 

What School Won't Teach: How to open a Bottle of Star Beer

One of the most valuable lessons I learnt outside the four walls of an educational institution was 'you can't learn it all in school'. The streets had a different syllabus and the lessons learnt constitute tacit intelligence. This post is about how to open a bottle of Star without an opener.


In school I learnt the best way to open a bottle with a crown cork was to use an opener. It was fast. But most times I do not have an opener around. School says, you'll have to find one.


I was with a guy and we had two bottles of Star beer with no opener. The suggestion I had was to use the crown cork of one of the bottles to open the other BUT, once one was opened the same technique couldn't be used to open the other one.


Then...I learnt. He used the base of one of the bottles to tap round the crown cork of the other bottle. After doing that for less than a minute, it was easy to pull off the crown cork. It was as if it wasn't sealed in the first place. He did the same for the second bottle and I used my fingers to pull off the crown cork. There had to be a scientific explanation school would provide but on the streets, no one cared how.


That was one of the things I learnt school won't teach.

April 2012: What? Why? How?

April 2012 would be over in a few hours but there are questions it failed to answer and hopefully May 2012 would do justice to them. Except the 'What?' Question, I hope.


Who predicted Chelsea FC would play Bayern Munich in the UEFA Champions league final?


How do Pastors/Imams buy condoms?


When will Jonathan take an effective proactive measure to curb Boko Haram?


What will happen if Boko Haram attacked western part of Nigeria?


RIP Dick Clark, if you have died decades earlier the news of your death would have created real buzz

What's The Use of a Pet?

I grew up watching western cartoons and movies where kids had pets. It was like a childhood requirement, a pet the child could soliloquise in its present.


I had neighbours that had a pet, it was a dog. I can't remember the name but it was a stubborn bastard. Like on certain days the dog 'no go look face' and begin to chase us around the building. It was fun/scary at the same time until someone got bit.


To be honest, I had no reason people owned pets. A babe once asked if I had one what would it be. I replied, "a fish". She asked why and I explained. A fish got to stay in its bowl and needed little to no attention to survive. In the event the fish was stubborn and get out of the bowl...dead. The babe said my kind of pet signified the type of babe of I would like. That was true though. A babe that would know her place and if she got out of the 'bowl'....'Dead'.


Anyway, I visited a neighbour with a 2-3 years old son recently. The boy was hyper...none of us could keep up with his singing, kicking, dancing, jumping...we definitely weren't on steriods but his was all natural. That was when it hit me, the reason for pets. If this kid had a dog it would definitely match his fitness and kept him busy.


That was the suggestion I had for his mum. Your boy needs a dog. That's my new use for pets, to keep people busy. Girls could also get a stubborn dog for their boyfriends, a dog that would constitute enough nuisance to preoccupy him and keep him home most of the time.

My Sexy. Body

I didn't want to do this but, what's the harm in sharing a pix of my sexy body walking on the beach. That's the least I could do for the ladies that have been reading my blog since 2010.

WARNING: Don't start having ideas.

Seriously, Who Voted for Goodluck? (pt. 4, 19 Headline Screen grabs of Jonathan Condemning)

 Jonathan is a passive leader, I know that isn't new. He had a single approach to all situations which was to condemn it. He probably condemned his way into Aso Rock. I know without a doubt if Jonathan had a response to this post, headlines would read "JONATHAN CONDEMNS HE ONLY CONDEMN".

These are 19 screen grabs of online publications of Jonathan condemning, the last one is one I would love to see

1. Before the election in 2011, Jonathan condemned the killing of ANPP gubernatorial candidate. January 29th 2011.

 2. Jonathan also condemned military coup in Mali, it was way easier to do than suggest a solution. Thursday 22nd of March, 2012

 

3. Jonathan condemned the sad incident at Thisday Newspaper's office in Abuja. That was his reaction to Boko Haram attacking the press.

 

4. Jonathan condemned 'pull him down' politics. Those were his words, I have no idea what that meant.

 

5. In 2010, Jonathan condemned involvement of traditional rulers in communal crises. 

 6. Jonathan condemned 'incessant workers' strikes' in March 2011. Later that year ASUU begun close to 2 months strike. I guess no one listened to him.

 7. When a US pastor, Terry Jones planned to burn the Holy Quran to mark the anniversary of September 11 in 2010, Jonathan contributed his quota by condemning it.

8. A bomb exploded at a PDP rally on 4th of March, 2011 in Suleja, Niger state. Jonathan was so furious all he did was to condemn it.

9. What can I say? Jonathan condemned the attack on the UN House in Abuja, Obama and Ban Ki-Moon had to do the same. That was the 'condemning influence' Jonathan had on world leaders.

10. After Jonathan signed the 3rd Alteration Bill, 2010, he had to condemn the reason he did it.

11. A British along with an Italian got killed by their captors in Sokoto and Jonathan took his most proactive action, he condemned it.

12. Loss of hundreds of innocent lives in Benue, Jonathan took his right step, CONDEMN IT.

13. Blasts at Madalla, Jos, and Damaturu in December 2011 and Jonathan took the shortest action that wouldn't disrupt his Christmas/New year celebration.

14. Bloodbath = Jonathan = Condemn

15. Jonathan also condemned the coup in Guinea-Bissau, as if he had another option.

16. Jonathan....you should know by now condemned the attack on a catholic church.

17. The Nation carried the news about the Catholic church bomb blast and had to use the same word, 'condemn'.

18. This came up as a search result.

19. This is one condemnation I would love to hear from Jonathan.

The fact is these deaths are serious issues and need to be dealt with by proactive actions and NOT condemnation only. The government see the number of people who lose their lives as mere statistics and measure the seriousness of each bomb blast by the number and cost of each causalities. They don't take into consideration the purpose and responsibilities of the individual. A death could be that of a bread winner, father,friend, child, wife, brother, sister, and most important of all, the future of Nigeria.