April 2012: What? Why? How?

April 2012 would be over in a few hours but there are questions it failed to answer and hopefully May 2012 would do justice to them. Except the 'What?' Question, I hope.


Who predicted Chelsea FC would play Bayern Munich in the UEFA Champions league final?


How do Pastors/Imams buy condoms?


When will Jonathan take an effective proactive measure to curb Boko Haram?


What will happen if Boko Haram attacked western part of Nigeria?


RIP Dick Clark, if you have died decades earlier the news of your death would have created real buzz

What's The Use of a Pet?

I grew up watching western cartoons and movies where kids had pets. It was like a childhood requirement, a pet the child could soliloquise in its present.


I had neighbours that had a pet, it was a dog. I can't remember the name but it was a stubborn bastard. Like on certain days the dog 'no go look face' and begin to chase us around the building. It was fun/scary at the same time until someone got bit.


To be honest, I had no reason people owned pets. A babe once asked if I had one what would it be. I replied, "a fish". She asked why and I explained. A fish got to stay in its bowl and needed little to no attention to survive. In the event the fish was stubborn and get out of the bowl...dead. The babe said my kind of pet signified the type of babe of I would like. That was true though. A babe that would know her place and if she got out of the 'bowl'....'Dead'.


Anyway, I visited a neighbour with a 2-3 years old son recently. The boy was hyper...none of us could keep up with his singing, kicking, dancing, jumping...we definitely weren't on steriods but his was all natural. That was when it hit me, the reason for pets. If this kid had a dog it would definitely match his fitness and kept him busy.


That was the suggestion I had for his mum. Your boy needs a dog. That's my new use for pets, to keep people busy. Girls could also get a stubborn dog for their boyfriends, a dog that would constitute enough nuisance to preoccupy him and keep him home most of the time.

My Sexy. Body

I didn't want to do this but, what's the harm in sharing a pix of my sexy body walking on the beach. That's the least I could do for the ladies that have been reading my blog since 2010.

WARNING: Don't start having ideas.

Seriously, Who Voted for Goodluck? (pt. 4, 19 Headline Screen grabs of Jonathan Condemning)

 Jonathan is a passive leader, I know that isn't new. He had a single approach to all situations which was to condemn it. He probably condemned his way into Aso Rock. I know without a doubt if Jonathan had a response to this post, headlines would read "JONATHAN CONDEMNS HE ONLY CONDEMN".

These are 19 screen grabs of online publications of Jonathan condemning, the last one is one I would love to see

1. Before the election in 2011, Jonathan condemned the killing of ANPP gubernatorial candidate. January 29th 2011.

 2. Jonathan also condemned military coup in Mali, it was way easier to do than suggest a solution. Thursday 22nd of March, 2012

 

3. Jonathan condemned the sad incident at Thisday Newspaper's office in Abuja. That was his reaction to Boko Haram attacking the press.

 

4. Jonathan condemned 'pull him down' politics. Those were his words, I have no idea what that meant.

 

5. In 2010, Jonathan condemned involvement of traditional rulers in communal crises. 

 6. Jonathan condemned 'incessant workers' strikes' in March 2011. Later that year ASUU begun close to 2 months strike. I guess no one listened to him.

 7. When a US pastor, Terry Jones planned to burn the Holy Quran to mark the anniversary of September 11 in 2010, Jonathan contributed his quota by condemning it.

8. A bomb exploded at a PDP rally on 4th of March, 2011 in Suleja, Niger state. Jonathan was so furious all he did was to condemn it.

9. What can I say? Jonathan condemned the attack on the UN House in Abuja, Obama and Ban Ki-Moon had to do the same. That was the 'condemning influence' Jonathan had on world leaders.

10. After Jonathan signed the 3rd Alteration Bill, 2010, he had to condemn the reason he did it.

11. A British along with an Italian got killed by their captors in Sokoto and Jonathan took his most proactive action, he condemned it.

12. Loss of hundreds of innocent lives in Benue, Jonathan took his right step, CONDEMN IT.

13. Blasts at Madalla, Jos, and Damaturu in December 2011 and Jonathan took the shortest action that wouldn't disrupt his Christmas/New year celebration.

14. Bloodbath = Jonathan = Condemn

15. Jonathan also condemned the coup in Guinea-Bissau, as if he had another option.

16. Jonathan....you should know by now condemned the attack on a catholic church.

17. The Nation carried the news about the Catholic church bomb blast and had to use the same word, 'condemn'.

18. This came up as a search result.

19. This is one condemnation I would love to hear from Jonathan.

The fact is these deaths are serious issues and need to be dealt with by proactive actions and NOT condemnation only. The government see the number of people who lose their lives as mere statistics and measure the seriousness of each bomb blast by the number and cost of each causalities. They don't take into consideration the purpose and responsibilities of the individual. A death could be that of a bread winner, father,friend, child, wife, brother, sister, and most important of all, the future of Nigeria.

MAXIMUM PROTECTION

I saw an ad today. It was on a branded van of the company making Dettol soap. I told a look one look at it and noticed all sorts of subliminal messages focused on sex.


Yea, people would say I have a dirty mind and need to wash my mouth with soap. I guess it won't make much difference if I used Dettol soap considering what I saw.

Two things were wrong in the pix.
One, the picture of the 'couple'. The boy looked like he was getting lucky with the much older woman. And the woman, well, her posture said it all, "I am irresistibly attracted to this boy and about to kiss the neck. That's why I have my eyes closed and sniffing his skin". I sensed Dettol was saying, boys, use this soap and you get to f*ck older ladies".


If their intention was to depict the female was the the caregiver, then the position of her head should have been clearly higher than that of the boy. Just imagine you were in tears and someone was to comfort you. Imagine how it would appear if your head was positioned higher than theirs.


And her arms, one of 'em cradled the boy's head and the other barely reached his shoulders. That's some ready to kiss posture from my experiences. Then the boy's arms went all the way, saying "Babe, you ain't going anywhere".


Two, MAXIMUM PROTECTION. How would a soap guarantee maximum protection, is Durex out of the market? That was way too suggestive.


My interpretation of the ad was; use Dettol for MAXIMUM PROTECTION during sexual activities between preteen an older woman.

Suits In Boots

It rained all night, at least that was what it seemed like. By the time my alarm went off, I wasn't in a hurry getting ready to work for two reasons. First, I was enjoying the sleep. It was so cool I didn't need to switch on the air conditioner in Stamford Bridge. Two, it was f*cking raining. I was sure the manager would take that as a reason for turning up late. If they weren't cool with that they could give me a car and a driver.


I knew the road to work would be wet
and muddy as I moved along one bus stop to the next, so I decided to wear slippers to work while my pair of shoes were in my bag. It was just for the shoes not to get wet and damaged. The shoes weren't that expensive to protect them from such treatment, then again they could have been. I needed shoes badly for work because all I had were fly kicks, and I needed to start looking like a professional in suits. The seller said the pair I wanted would cost my ₦8,000, that was pure Italian leather. I looked at him and said, "Guy be serious joor, I'll pay ₦1,500". After our negotiation I ended up paying ₦2,000 + I got socks. I had the belief everything sold at Computer Village, Ikeja was cheap, low quality goods, so I usually price with ridiculous low amounts. Anyway, I didn't want my one and only ₦2,000 shoes to get destroyed.


I got to work in slippers, my feet all covered in mud as well as the bottom of my trousers. I was glad I was proactive in my thinking. As I opened my bag in the office I realised I forgot to put my shoes in my bag. I didn't want to go back home and decided to seek anyone at work who had an extra pair.


I finally found a pair I could wear. I got it from one of the security officers and it was more like a boot than a coperate show. It was so wrong with the rest of my outfit. People kept laughing or looked at me with confusion on their faces. I didn't feel shame and did not have to explain to everybody. If the boots/shoe was comfortable I would have gotten one.

The [D] Project: The Date (pt. 9 of 13)

Part 1: [Any] Needs A Favour 

Part 2: This Is [D] 

Part 3: Adventure of a Homeless Girl 

Part 4: You Can Only Lie With Words

Part 5: Some People Don't Want To Be Happy  

Part 6: Our Skin, Our History 

Part 7: Pot Calling Kettle Black
Part 8: Will You Marry You? 

Once upon a time in 2011, I allowed a girl live with me in my room for what was supposed to be a few days. The plan was she crashed with me till she got her own apartment. Her name was [D], a chic that looked like sex from the south-south. Although things ended up like... I look back at that period to realise I learnt a lot. That period is known as The-[D]-Project.

 

[D] returned one day from her place of primary assignment to tell me about a guy she met. She had been posted to a Mr. Biggs restaurant for her youth service where she would work her ass off. According to her, the guy she met he had it all, plus, her pastor told her to give him a shot. They scheduled a meeting for the following weekend and she eagerly waited for Saturday. I was happy for her, I ain’t gonna lie, but my reason might be selfish though. Since her presence I had been deprived of regular match fixtures in Stamford Bridge. Her date would give me that opportunity. Prior to her date, I had cooked up ways to make her take the weekend off for me to have my space. I once called [Any] to organise a girl’s day out with [D], after all they were friends. [Any] said she would come up with something...from her actions so far I guessed it was ‘nothing’ she came up with. I was disappointed though. [Any] was the person who linked me with [D] yet she hadn’t called me once, not to mention pay a visit, to know how she was doing. It was as if she abandoned her in my house. I won’t claim to be surprise though, like I said earlier she was the most selfish human being I knew and wished I didn’t.

It was Saturday and [D] would be out any moment. She was all hyped to meet the guy that had the potential to become her future husband. She had her T. M. Lewin shirt on, ass hugging jeans, and I provided the sunshade glasses. I added one more touch, a Paul Smith cologne to make her smell sexy. As accustomed to her, she requested I take her pictures. What was the point of looking like that and everyone not see.  As she stepped out around 2 pm I told her to take her time and I began to control my player.

[D] returned that night with a story to tell. I guessed she had a great time considering she returned late but the babe didn’t get to see the guy. On her way to his place he told her to wait at a junction, which she did, for him to pick her up. 20 minutes later she was still at the junction waiting for the guy. Down the street she spotted the guy and was quite relieved, at least she wasn’t getting stood up. The guy took a left turn and poof, out of sight again. She called him to know where he was but he replied he was on his way. The story changed minutes later when he called, giving her the direction to his place. He said he needed to run an errand and requested she go over to his place and wait there. She hesitated, saying she wasn’t cool with the idea of waiting his place while his friend was around. After another hour of standing, looking sexy by the roadside, she went ahead with what he suggested.

She called him when she arrived there and he pleaded for her to be patient with him. He claimed he was summoned for an urgent meeting. The next time she heard his voice was past 7 when he called to ask what she was taking for dinner and what she would like to eat for breakfast. [D] said she wasn’t sleeping over and had no idea why he was interested in breakfast. He told her it was late for her to return and preferred she slept over.

That gave an idea of what the guy might have planned. She believed he intentionally kept her waiting because he wanted her to sleep over. He probably was having fun somewhere else and wanted to reserve an ass he would return to and service for the night. That got her pissed off and stormed off the place before he returned. That was it. She returned the way she left except with the anticipation and my glasses. She misplaced ‘em on her way. I couldn’t blame her, she got disappointed.

[D]’s search for a husband had to continue. That night, she received a phone call, her aunt was in town, the same aunt that would give her the money to rent a place. I knew her day was messed up but mine was on point and the news of her aunt’s arrival crowned it all. Very soon she would be out of my room [I hoped].

Part 10: Time To Go
Part 11: REALLY, Time To Go 
Part 12: You Can't Please Anyone  

I Met Michael Jockson

I was at an event when I spotted Michael Jockson. I was amazed how the guy put in so much effort to resemble the one and only King of Pop (even in death). He had the hair, clothes, and specs of the black/white Michael Jackson during Thriller days.


He attracted so much attention and lots of peeps wanted to take pictures with him. The guy was seriously feeling himself and he had someone walking with him, Tito Jockson. He was also dressed in a similar attire but was quite impatient with Michael Jockson stopping every minute to smile in front of a camera. Tito Jockson said, "Michael, let's keep moving". Michael Jockson replied, "Hold on a sec' I have to please the fans" (for him mind).


During the event, which was a singing competition, he got on his feet while a girl was performing and people diverted their attention from the stage to him as he bust a move, rudely interrupting the performance. The girl failed to make it to the next round. Thanks to him.


I was confused why a guy would want to earn a living in Nigeria as a black Michael Jackson lookalike. How much did he stand to earn? I had an idea as I got into my friend's car on our way back home. Michael Jockson and Tito Jockson was at the bus stop, yea, chilling for a ₦50 bus to Obalende.

The Last Illiterate Literate Bus stop

Every reasonable parent would desire the child/children to be educated regardless they weren't fortunate to benefit from a sound education during their childhood. It was the joy of parenthood to create such opportunity for their child. I know this because I had families around me, families where the parents barely completed secondary school and were willing to change the path of their children.

The first thing I noticed was the language they used in communicating with their kids at an early age, English. These parents could hardly construct an error free sentence, yet they were determined to make sure the kid spoke it fluently. They weren't bothered if the child failed to learn the local tongue, they derived joy as long as the kid spoke English. It was simple when the child was one or two years old, all the parent did was ask questions in simple sentences like, "Are you hungry? What is your name? How old are you?" or exclaim "Stop it! I'll beat you."

If these parents succeed in educating their kids pass the Primary school level, they would have reached a level where what they lacked intellectually became evident. It was the last literate bus stop for an illiterate. The point where they make a sentence in the English Language and the child innocently corrects them. You could hear a child say "Mummy, you don't say where did he went to. You say where did he GO to".

I remember the movie 'Idle Hands' about Ben Carson's early years. When his mum got to that bus stop and realized she could no longer compete intellectually with her son, she took it upon herself to get educated. Fact was not a lot of parents around me take that challenge. The children grow to use words they had no idea what it meant nor how to spell it, yet they smile & nod in response. They end up paying for it [literally].

While in the University of Lagos, I related with peers which parents had long reached/passed their illiterate literate bus stop. The cooked up stories and courses as pretext to get money from their parents. These peers bragged about it but I saw them as stupidly exhibiting how illiterate their parents were. Imagine this situation, a guy's parents gave him money for tuition/school fees twice each session. That was one for each semester. A parent that had been educated would have known in the university tuition was paid per session and not per semester or per term like in secondary school. There were more outrageous stories that made me realize a lot of parents were illiterate.

A girl in my area got a full scholarship to a British secondary school. The surprise was the parent probably reached her last illiterate literate bus stop when the daughter was 6 months old. Back in public school she was the best student but as she changed it became the opposite. The school complained the daughter's command of the English Language was so poor she would speak in the Yoruba language to be understood. The mum was invited over and after trying to express herself in the English language she flipped to Yoruba.

I think we owe it to our kids to develop ourselves mentally. Let you last illiterate literate bus stop be a place your children would find it difficult to reach.

Ability To Work Under Pressure...

Most of the CV I had read had a quality stated by the person, "Ability to work under pressure with little or no supervision". It sounded like a good one BUT how true was it? Most people wrote that not expecting to be tested.

There was a female banker I know who got a job with that on her CV. I'm sure she thought pressure was what she experienced in the banking hall. A friend of mine invited both the banker and I to an event one night that we were hyped about. It was on Victoria Island so we had to drive down from the mainland where we stayed. On the 3rd mainland bridge, close to Adeniji bus stop, the car began to overheat. The radiator was empty so we had to wait for it to be cooled before pouring water into it. We were stuck there "under pressure, with little or no supervision".

Two guys approached from no where and claimed they were willing to help. They requested to know what was up with the car, we explained. They did nothing but sat close to the edge of the bridge by the car. The marijuana they smoked made the situation tensed for the banker. The men asked my friend while she was looking at him like he wanted to rob her, She kept panicking. I told her, "but yo u said you can work under pressure, with little or no supervision".

The situation got worse. The car refused to start after it cooled and the radiator was filled. The guy called the mechanic and he guessed the gaskets was probably burnt. We had to chill for close to an hour before he showed up. By now, the banker was close to pissing on herself. She said, "call my father! Call my father!" It was as if she wanted to disappear.

The men told us to move our car from that spot because the streetlights would go off at any minute, and anything could happen. As if they wouldn't know abut it.

Back to the banker, she acted like she needed special powers to disappear. I was calm, don't know why, but I was. I called LadyNgo instead while she panicked and threatened to kill my friend if anything happened to her.

A neighbour finally came to our rescue and tolled the car back to me area. After bottles of Smirnoff and Star with pepper soup, she was all smiles. I had to tell her, "remove ability to work under pressure with little or no supervision from her CV."

The [D] Project: Will You Marry You? (pt. 8 of 13)

Part 1: [Any] Needs A Favour 

Part 2: This Is [D] 

Part 3: Adventure of a Homeless Girl 

Part 4: You Can Only Lie With Words

Part 5: Some People Don't Want To Be Happy  

Part 6: Our Skin, Our History 

Part 7: Pot Calling Kettle Black

Once upon a time in 2011, I allowed a girl live with me in my room for what was supposed to be a few days. The plan was she crashed with me till she got her own apartment. Her name was [D], a chic that looked like sex from the south-south. Although things ended up like... I look back at that period to realise I learnt a lot. That period is known as The-[D]-Project.

[D] had strong opinion about certain issues especially those I do not give a f*ck about. One of them was about marriage. She was 23 years young but believed she should have worked down the isle. She talked about marriage as if it was the ultimate goal of every female, the el dorado, and was determined to do anything to become a Mrs. She mentioned she made a convenant she made with God to get married before she was 24 years old, that was less than a year, and nothing was going to stop that.

But the issue was her desperation and it was obvious. That alone would scare any guy off knowing the babe was only interested in marriage and not taking time to build a relationship and be compatible. She related to every guy like a potential husband, some girls might see nothing wrong with that but you don’t put pressure on a guy who barely knew you. You don’t give him an offer as if he had no other option, as if you were the only girl in the world and he had a lot to lose if he refused. Another issue was her one and only boyfriend whom she now claimed was her ex, Francis. Although Francis maltreated her constantly the fact that they dated for 6 years made him the most likely candidate to tie the knot with. She saw him as the ‘insurance guy’, someone that would have to marry her if she got close to her deadline date.

According to her she would still get married even if it meant divorcing after one year. That was the level of desperation she was in. [D] wanted that ceremony to register in people’s mind she was married. She didn’t care about what happened afterwards although she would put in her best to make it work.

One would wonder why this level of urgency to get married. She gave me an insight one day as she began to lament, mentioning names of her peers. "(This girl) is married with 2 boys, (that girl) is married and pregnant, (that other girl) is getting married in 2 months time, even (one girl) that aborted up to 5 times in school is married with kids. Tell me, what is stopping me from getting married?" That was a good question and the answer was simple, ‘a husband’.

"A friend once said you attract to yourself people with similar personality and maybe you don’t like seeing you. [D] can you marry you?" I might be a bit harsh but I had to admit, the guys affiliated with her were deceptive just like her. [D] talked like an angel and the fact she had aborted and her definition of protected sex was still sticking to a partner [even if he was a cheating bastard] proved she wasn’t ready. That was also the reason I suggested the calibre of men that approached her were also tricky.

Remember the estate agent and the ‘banker’ who couldn’t spell. There was a married couple who gave her a ride once. While the wife walked into a store they exchanged numbers. He invited her over that weekend but to a friend’s place. She knew he was married yet spent hours chatting with him on why he wanted her to come. My opinion was cut this guy off. There was no point leaving an opening for him to convince you to visit. But she didn’t care. Any attention from a guy was all she needed.

I attempted to make this girl see marriage wasn't literally a do-or-die affair but she wasn't swayed. She said she had to marry to stop people from mocking her especially her father. You see, her father believed she was a slut and once told her he doubt any man would marry her. She wanted to prove him wrong while he was still alive. Her abortion made him have strong conviction about his opinion and she wanted to prove him wrong before he died.

Getting to select a guy in that situation was confusing so she sought the help of a pastor. Whenever she met a guy for the first time, she called the pastor to confirm if the relationship was worth pursuing. No jokes, you could meet her for the first time and while you were still asking names and all that, she would pick up her phone and tell the pastor about you to know if you were the one. I explained her dependency on her pastor might cost her. She would tell the pastor about someone she barely knew and she/he would give the verdict. The fact that her description to her pastor was subjective, and she had a rather shallow way of thinking, it was likely she told the pastor details that would be disapproving.

I wasn't surprised when she told me she asked her pastor if I was "the one". I had to clear the babe, "you didn't have to waste your call credit on that one. I have no intention of getting married to you.  You see, we men might not know who we would eventually get married to BUT we know the type of girls we won't marry. And for my personality, you weren’t even in the background of the picture." She proved stubborn, said she couldn't fall for me. I laughed that off, see, I wasn't your Denzel but I know how to get what I want. I responded, "Maybe. Maybe if I was still in the university and I table your matter with the likes of Oshio and Kume, then you would have a change of heart". She responded with an egocentric speech about how different she was, "blah blah blah...Ade I CAN NOT fall for you.”

Part 9: The Date 
Part 10: Time To Go
Part 11: REALLY, Time To Go 
Part 12: You Can't Please Anyone  

That, I Will Never Do

One thing about me, and it isn't a secret, was I end up writing about my past relationships. Especially the ones that turned sour, or worse, left a bitter taste. From [Any] or Nothing, Tito, Bitch You Are Selfish, Last Nigeria Virgin (Green Rose and Red Rose), The-D-Project (part 1 to 13)... I find it therapeutic to put in words the way I felt about a particular chic and it actually helps moving on better.

You might have another way of getting over a breakup or a crush, but one thing I've noticed was the way we chose to move on usually involved putting ourselves first or being selfish in our actions. If you haven't felt that way then you haven't been hit that bad. Where you could sing on top of your lungs, "When you see my face hope it gives you hell" and "f*ck what I said it didn't mean jack...f*ck you, you hoe I don't want you back".

When you genuinely love someone (or something like it), and they want to end the relationship or betrayed your trust, moving ahead was really hard. You couldn't flip like a switch, hug, and say "goodbye". Some cry, curse, or simply go for a payback.

I remember when I wrote (Any) or Nothing, (Any) saw it as my payback for her breaking my heart. Maybe, after all I included how she sucked at giving blow job. *Did I include that?* anyway, some people flirt/f*ck the person's sister/brother/bestfriend/enemy as payback... I'm sure you'll have stories on of those escapades. The goal was simple: one hurt the person as much as possible.

Nowadays grieving a past relationship had gone digital (camera). During the good times in a relationship there was tendency to snap nude x-rated pics and clips meant only for the one you loved. What happens to those materials after the break-up? People, especially guys, decide to go commercial with these materials and make it viral. The ex-girlfriend's naked pics end up on profile pictures and pictures gallery of people that do not even know the babe. The babe's pics end up on some blog for people to comment below while someone somewhere would claim to know her.

Some people that act/pretend conservative put the blame on the babe. "Why would she take/permit a nude pix be taken?" They would ask, ironically, as they keep their eyes intently fixed on the picture/video while they continue to criticise. I understand situations that could lead to snapping/storing nude pics. I personally have a gallery of girls I've been affiliated with. Some where taken with their consent, others were me being tricky. I have enough materials to end the career of some babes, enough to make a lot not run for public office. I don't know why I still kept them but I know I would never leak them.
It was a sign as much as I didn't like the babe anymore I did not hate her.

Who Is Your Papa?

In this day and age where ascribed status played a crucial rule in an individual's success in life, it was important for those born in affluence to be grateful. There were people whose parents were too damn broke, yet they do not see themselves achieving more. That's life for you. The best an individual in such situation can do is to build a foundation for their kids. Unless the person had another Facebook concept, they would end up working all their life to build an empire only their kids would enjoy.

I remember back in primary school where my peer group (including my humble self) lied about our parent's worth. Those lies were beautiful tales of what 'my daddy just bought…' and 'my daddy is a…' We said them to brag and sadly some continued with such innocent lies in secondary school, then the university. A few went ahead as denying their parents when they showed up during Open Days, P.T.A's, and other school programmes. Those were the ones whose lies about their parents far exceeded reality. A girl vehemently denied her dad 'cause he wore hipsters to school during an Open Day. It would have been better if it was in the 1970s but in 2002 that was out of trend. Some were lucky to have cool parents. Charlie Boy had a son in my school and he represented. Although I doubt the way he dressed nowadays made sense for someone his age.

A parent's influence was important when it came to setting the children up to be self-sufficient. This was when the kids were grown and society expected them to stop depending on parent's allowance. Some use their influence to fix their kids up in an organization, some parents beg other parents to fix their kids up. Some parents don't even have an idea who to seek for assistance. Those were the ones who write CVs and their parents tell 'em "remember the daughter/son of whom you are" before they stepped out every day.

I'll end this piece with one of the luckiest kids in the world. They were lucky because their dad wasn't their biological father yet they benefitted from his fame/wealth. These were the Michael Jackson's kids. Each kid was a product of a sperm donor. Imagine the balls one of his former bodyguards had when he claimed he was the sperm donor of one his kids, Blanket. If I were the kid I would curse that bodyguard and deny him. "Is it by force to be your son?" In this era where people dream of a billionaire coming to claim them as their long lost child, an ex bodyguard wants to make the child live a nightmare.

Nigerians With Their Statistics

One of the things I am interested in was statistics (stats). You could say I was a follower of a statement Jay-Z made popular, "Men lie women lie, numbers don't". Numbers derived from stats is the closest we could turn into facts human behaviour. If 95 percent of men acted in a particular manner in the presence of a hot chic, we could conclude that men (generally) act in such manner in the presence of hot chics. Although we had to consider the margin of error and a significant level. I'm not going into STATS101, my focus would be the outrageous stats I've heard. Stats not backed with any form of research.

I grew up hearing outrageous stats including Ijebus were stingy and Hausas were lazy. Someone probably made these statements and people that were to lazy to conduct the research took it as a fact. The probably looked round and make such conclusion after they remembered their Ijebu neighbour did not remember to give her/him christmas gift.

These stats became more outrageous in arguements. I've heard statements like, do you know that over ninety percent of UBA staffs were Igbo. Maybe they were true, who knows, but what I do know was people cook such stats up just to win arguements/debates.

A guy earlier today was complaining about the traffic and said, "Do you know there are more cars in England than the whole of Nigeria and their traffic is not as bad as the ones we have in Nigeria?" How the hell did this guy know we had lesser number of cars in Nigeria and the traffic wasn't as bad? I'm sure the woman that concured with him in the bus would make that statement elsewhere.

The worse was when it came to sports especially football. You would wonder where they got their stats from. When I had time I would simple use my phone to browse and check out Opta Sport to dispute such facts. I remember a time a guy was talking about the greatness of Jay Jay Okocha as a footballer. He said Okocha was the highest Nigerian goal scorer. We found out from a football records site there were Nigerians that had scored more goals and he failed to score over 100 goals in all competitions. Maybe he did score a few in the local league before his fame but no records of those.

I would like you to share some outrageous stats you've heard in arguements. Those "do you know that over 80 percent of..."

Ladies, Welcome To The Friend Zone

Ask any guy the position they wouldn't love to be with a girl they were romantically interested in and you'll probably hear the 'friend zone'. That was the 'I like you but no pussy for you zone'. It sucks really, and I'm not interested in how guys gEt there [for now]. This piece was written to correct the myth it only happened to males. Females also found themselves in such 'friend zone'. They found themselves in that situation as the result of a long term effect of placing a guy in the 'friend zone'. What I mean was after a while, a girl will find herself in the friend zone with a guy she earlier placed in a friend zone. All the guy had to do was stick to that position long enough.

I realized this as I took time out to think about the situation I was in with so many girls around me. Yes, I had them many but a significant percentage of them do not want to date me. So you could say I was placed in the friend zone most of the time. I also realized I got to sex most of them after a year [more or less] of being in the friend zone. Not that we were in any relationship, it just happened. A whole lot of them found it difficult to let me go after that, it became my turn to put them in the friend zone. The question now is what did I do differently for the sudden change to occur?

The truth was most girls were selfish and the friend zone was the best way to eat their cake and have it. A guy in the friend zone was like the bastard child of a male friend and a boyfriend that had no idea where he belonged. The girl expects the guy to treat her like a boyfriend but obey the proxemic rules of a male friend. Sure you can buy her a dress, but you can't sit around to watch her change into it. I realized I was doing such until the great epiphany after a girl that had placed me in the friend zone said she had 'dispadi' me. By that she meant I was no more a close friend. I was the one that made contact after a while only for her to complain about that. I asked her two questions. First, tell me what I had to lose? Second, tell me one thing you've done for me when I was your 'padi'? I had to admit it wasn't just with this babe but so many others. The practically had nothing to offer yet expect things in return. I had to change that. I noticed these girls that placed me on the friend zone never called or visit but every time I did they used that as an opportunity to demand for something. Like they had been expecting my call to foot the bill of something. That also had to change.

I came to the realization I shouldn't fulfill any desire of any girl that placed me in the friend zone. That was the one of the steps to place them in the friend zone. I flipped their expectations. I still respect the proxemic rules of any of their typical male friend but I let them see things I did with other girls. Things I knew they would love to experience.

Since I had no more expectation I was comfortable to tell the girls my experiences. One of such girls visited me once. She was around when a sure babe called me she was coming over for a match fixture. A typical guy in the friend zone would have considered how to politely discharge the babe but not me. I politely told her she had to leave because I had a babe coming over for a match. She was shocked because she never expected me to walk her out because of another babe. That night, the babe I walked out called me to ask how many rounds I did and if I enjoyed it. She began to talk that sex talk until she had a firsthand experience.

Another babe that placed me in the friend zone requested I take her to the cinema. "No problem," I replied. She came over that day all dressed up and I told her the date wouldn't be possible because I was broke. I had to tell her I gave all I had to a chic who was interested in dating me to fix her hair. That statement changed the way we related. She didn't get angry but saw me as 'responsible'.

I noticed when these girls saw the way I treated other girls [except them] they change. I didn't have to do better than their boyfriend, like I said, girls are selfish and that lack of attention gets to them. Especially when I stay close to them but kept looking at another direction [literally and figuratively]

Truth is, I don't give a damn about a girl that once exploited my position when I was placed in the friend zone and they found themselves there. A girl had the balls to say, "Yes I had a boyfriend but I wanted you to prove you really like me". I told her, "Babe, I am not an option". I was placed in the friend zone to be assessed if I would turn out good I become better than their expectation and move on. Now I have a few doing the calling and I'm proud to say "you are my very good friend". If they like, they could use chlorophyll to rub their pussy I don't give a damn. Ladies, welcome to the friend zone.

Stick It UP The Ass

"Direction: 1 suppository in a single daily dose. Peel open plastic. Insert suppository well into rectum, pointed end first. Retain about 15 to 20 minutes"

That was what I read and it got ideas goind through my head. What stuck was "insert well into rectum, pointed end first. Retain for about 15 to 20 minutes". My definition of 'rectum' was 'ass hole', so you get the direction of my thought. I asked myself why would any one want to stick something into their ass especailly a guy.

I read that on a paper in a friend's bathroom. I doubt I would have bothered if it were a chic but not a guy. I mean, chics' sex organs were designed to stick anything with shape and occupied shape up their ass. What was he sticking up his ass? The thing I thought of was he probably was turning gay. I don't know why that came to my mind, it just did. I rationalised homosexuals probably used whatever it was to clear the ass hole for "15 to 20 minutes" before the do whatever gays did for sexual gratification.

I saw the stuff, it was shaped like the penis of a year old boy in the wrapper. At that point I was convinced he definitely was turning gay. I saw him as I stepped out of the bathroom, confused on how to react. All I did was keep my distance.

Within the hour I opened his freezer to get a drink and saw it again, the penis looking drug. I had to say something to him. I knew guys hid condoms at odd corners in the room but not in a freezer, probably it was a gay thing.

The guy laughed as I told him what had been going on in my mind. He made me understand it was a drug that relieved constipation. All the individual had to do was stick it up the ass. He froze his for easy entry.

I was like damn! Why the sexually graphic nature of drug administration. I had difficulty swallowing drugs not to mention sticking up my ass. I had to read about Dulcolax suppository to make sure I wasn't being told fairy tales. You know, with guys these days you can't be too sure. Not only babes did anything for cash. He was right though and I did learn something that day. I ended up giving my penis a new title: Orgasmic Suppository.

Call It Off

"I won't regret saying this, this thing I'm saying. Is it better than keeping my mouth shut that goes without saying". I spent this week with a particular song playing on my ipod [& my head]. It wa's "Call It Off" by Tegan and Sara, a track I first heard years go. For some [disturbing] reasons I was able to relate perfectly with the lyrics this week. It got to a point I began to watch the video impression on Youtube till I decided to download it.

For those who haven't heard it, well, the song talked about a relationship you end and still find yourself questioning if you did the right thing. "Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at, Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at. But now we'll never know". The song was based on the experience of one of the singers who found herself in such position and ended up checking the ex out online watching how she had moved on. And began to "wonder if it was the thing to do."

Back to me, I'll admit I check out my exs online despite not being on talking terms and being the one initiating the break up most times. I feel my sudden familiarity with this song as a sign it was getting to me. most of 'em had moved on, few were married and I was still...still Ade. "I won't be sad but incase I go there everyday, to make myself feel  bad, there's a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do."

By Their Bus stops Ye Shall Know Them

"Dress the way you want to be addressed", I'm sure the saying is familiar to most people. Early in the morning, I see people sharply dressed in suits and polished shoes. From the way they were dressed you would think they were the MD/CEO of one multi-billion dollars institution. I on the other hand wore whatever was the fastest to get into [I get tired like that sometimes in the morning]. You would probably assume I was the ‘boy-boy’ to a low level ranked staff in an organisation in which the name ended with ‘...ventures’ or ‘...and Sons’. Every morning we all leave our homes to meet at the bus stop. 

Our meeting at the bus stop was the first sign our outfit was part of ‘packaging’ to boost the perception of our status. People I saw every day at the bus stop were more likely not to own a car. If you don’t own a car there was a possibility it was because you couldn’t afford one. If you can’t afford one then you were broke.

 

On busy days with populated bus stops, even those suited with sparking whites underneath had to rush to board buses. Ladies in high heels do the same. For that moment the danfo slows down everyone had to be in their Usain Bolt’s fram of mind. You had to rush, push, shove, to occupy a bus that wouldn’t meet any safety standard in the developed countries. Everything about commercial buses screamed POVERTY. But that isn’t where I’m heading. As we occupy the bus the first thing we did was to adjust what we wore to regain that millionaire look we had as we stepped out of our homes. As the bus moved along its route each of us would alight at our bus stop and from their bus stop ye shall know them. Yes! From the bus stop we shall know who is who. No matter how you dress, your last bus stop to work can’t be Bariga market and expect me to believe you were one top shot. There were some things we that lived all our lives in Lagos know.

For example, majority of those who wear suits to work were bankers. Two, if you are leaving for work around 8am then you were not a banker. How come some people wear suits to work and leave home past 8 o’clock? I noticed a guy suited up and his last bus stop was Unity Road in Ikeja, that was a giveaway you were simply dressed to impress and not the address of your work place [or pay check].

There was a guy in my area who wore nice fitted suit to work...his dress sense made so much sense, it was impossible to guess where he worked. I use to think he was a banker until he began going to work wearing a bow tie. The only guy I knew who wore bow tie to work was the Central Bank Governor, Sanusi Sanusi. Unfortunately/fortunately we boarded the same bus one day and from his bus stop I knew he was a teacher. I was amazed, a school teaching decking up like George Clooney in tux.

I understand why people might want to do that. They might not have control over their pay check [or job] but they could at least dress the way they want to be addressed. Like the guy in the picture below. I wrote about him once [Beggar With A Swag]. The guy depended on alms for a living and still wore stylist suits.

I hope people can understand if they saw me wearing only boxers to work and I drop at Obalende bus stop that I might be the next William H.